16th January, 1982 (Time 2:28 p.m)
Today I was feeling boring so I worked out that I am:
I 13 – years old
II 163 months old
III 653 weeks old
IV 4572 days old
V 109766 hours old
VI 6585920 minutes old
VII 395156400 seconds old
For so many days I‘ve not written in this book. That is because I had thought that I’m losing something if I write and I don’t remain the same and that when I write I never try to do the thongs I have written and also I loose my confidence. It was better when I am not writing. I’m bold and I try to overcome my difficulties myself without anybody’s help.
19th April, 1982
Nowadays I feel disgusted with myself and the people. Now I’m certain that I’ll never be able to be those good and smart people. As if I be good I can’t be smart and if I’m smart I can’t be good. It’s disgusting. Nowadays it is vacation and I’m feeling bored. Bhavna is not talking to me and she’s gone to Muscat leaving me with thoughts about my weakness. For last many months she had been bad to me. I tried all ways to please her and because of her proudness she always used to make me feel bad. During exams she used to talk to me and just after that she stopped talking. I don’t think that I’m doing anything bad if I think that she was Matlabi. When she needed me she talked to me and when matlab is over everything is over. Now I have made up my mind that I’ll not talk to her even if she comes and I’ll be a wise girl and try to find a friend who is like me. Some days before I think I’d become narrow minded and I thought that if I’d stay with weak girls I’d also become weak and I’ll not be up in life. I was not confident and I thought that their weak points will come to me, not being confident that my strong points may go to them and their strong points (which everybody has) may come to me. I was a fool to think that. I should’ve known that everybody has a right and should be able to show their strong points in the best way possible. Everybody has weak points and everybody‘ll be proud of themselves, because they are human. I should always bear in mind that I should hate bad points and not weak points.
Everybody is living in this world and everybody has sadness and everybody’ll have happy times. Why should you pity others. All have the right to have sadness and happiness. You should try to help people by not pitying them but by doing something really active for them. ‘Thinkers are never the doers’ is a saying which tells you that if you go on thinking what are you doing. Put your thinking into action and you’ll be doing something really for the world and human nature.
5th May, 1982
I don’t know why I want to be sad. This is a progressing world. Why should anyone want people to love and like them. If we go about smiling at people to prove that you care for them, what is the use? You are not doing anything for them. Give something worthwhile to people. Love people and have confidence in yourself. People will like you if you really are worth. Why should you spend your full life trying to be good to all the people in this world. You’ll never please everybody in this world.
People nowadays do not want to be sentimental. Why should you be sentimental?. Don’t care for anybody in this world. Not even yourself. You are living in this world full of people like you. Forget yourself and others and don’t care for anybody. Be free. Don’t be shy.
Whom are you afraid of? Are you afraid that people will think that you are a ‘’Bhoduram’ ? That is why you don’t talk? Is it? But what is the use. People have started thinking that and you have also started doing so. And if this goes on you will become a failure. If you let things slip out of your hands like this, what will it end up with? NOTHING! Let people talk whatever they want to. They are not caring for you. But you can take care of yourself. Can’t you? You are now a big girl and should know how to take care of yourself. Forget the people if you don’t like them and if they have not been loyal to you. Try to be good to everyone. If not good, at least be polite so that you won’t feel guilty of anything. If you don’t like people try to stay away from them and be happy and plan your life and what you want in it, before it is too late. You think you don’t want to marry then don’t marry.
I am trying for so many days to be what I want to and when I’ve started thinking that I succeeded then there is someone or the other to break my peacefulness and bring a load of trouble over me. Though I think most of it is done by me. Because once I am told something against myself, I start thinking that nobody cares for me and I become angry with everybody and I be miserable. It is only myself which can again bring myself to control my head and make things correct for me. I think that I am too much sentimental and take things too much seriously, even when they are not. But what can I do? Whenever I am sad, I think of the days when everyone in my family made me think and cry and cry when they told me that I was a ‘person not knowing anything’. I was so small at that time, I didn’t know what to do, but cry. I must have spent at least one year in that nightmare (what it seems to me at present). Though still people tell me the same things, I don’t take it into so much account for I may have grown wise and because of my dear diary, Meeta Ben’s confidence, my daddy’s love and a certain persons concern for me. I knew that there is someone who likes me and I got confidence, which I had completely lacked, to face the world. But now that I look in the past I think that there is no one who cares for me. And that they have all gone because of my foolishmess.
I wanted a perfect person, which I would never get and so I am here at this point of life with nobody whom I can tell my own. I hope I’ll remember my errors in the future and always use my experiences to lead a better and full life for myself. There are still some people who love me in spite of my betraying them and I hope in near future I’ll help and repay them.
I don’t know why I take life so seriously. Dear Vibha, do you know what is life?
LIFE IS A CHALLENGE – ACCEPT IT.
Don’t you want to make your challenge good and perfect. Of course. Everybody wants to do that. You can be good at anything if you want to really be so. Don’t be too much sentimental and listen only to your heart. God has given you a wonderful head. Why don’t you use it in the right places? Be sure of what you are doing? You have to find a right place for yourself in this wide world. So think up and have confidence and you’ll find a place. You should be happy wherever you are. If people insult you, do not feel bad. They insult because they do not like something in you, which you in turn should try to change without being miserable and by being brave and showing people that you are going to be a success in life.
7th May, 1982
I have made some decisions from time to time and I feel so much difference in the lines I’d like to take that I’m sure all of them wouldn’t come true. They are:
1) I’ll live in Bangalore. I don’t like the busy bee life of Bombay i.e. if I’ll not be a businesswoman.
2) I’ll be a big businesswoman. So that people will have respect for me. Now I find as if people think of me as just a good-for-nothing girl, a timid girl. I hope I can show them that I can do something.
3) Even if I’ll not be a business-woman, I’ll never be like the other girls who waits for a man to take their hands and go about showing themselves to everybody and it’ll be the man who has the privilege to tell if she likes the girl or not. I’ll never be such a showpiece. If I have to marry I’ll decide my husband and if that person doesn’t like me (as I’m thin and not-so beautiful, not-so-social) I’ll not marry. Why simply to marry a person whom you don’t like. As if you’ll be left alone. I can help my daddy in his business. And I ‘m sure that I’ll be able to lead a lonely and successful life in order to lead a happy life. This is a certain and important measure I’ll take for my life.
I don’t know what people of nowadays think of girls. Man think that girls are good-for-nothing creatures and some man even goes to the extent of insulting girls in front of everybody. I don’t know why girls of today drink all this. Even woman say man is better and so there is nothing left. Why should girls be inferior? It is something that our society of man made up and now even the girls are thinking that man is better. Why? Married woman must have been shut about this because they are married and now it would be bad on their part to fight with husbands.
I’ll take all this into account and see to it that I don’t marry and if I marry, I’ll marry a person who does not think anything about his male ego and treats woman as somebody in the human being society like any other person.
Once Kirti Kaka told me that he didn’t feel anything about getting Meena and Meeta married but he was very worried about me. I asked him that “What do you think about girls?” I felt like crying. Why do some people don’t think and do something about this. In our Caste all people think girls as somebody really cheap, with no feelings and I don’t know why girls can’t be ambitious. I’m not ambitious but I’m sure that I have become that kind as I know that I’m not fit to be married by anybody. I’ll not marry.
4)If anybody (that I like) wants to marry me, I’ll be able to help daddy or take up any job and when I pass my youth days I’ll take a new flat (I’ll see to it that I make so much money) and then I’ll adopt a nice small girl and I’ll start my life. I hope that girl is a good girl and likes me. But that can’t be and I don’t know how much of my dreams will come true. Whatever may be I’ll never be cheap and I’ll never lose my respect.
5) There is one more thing I’ll have to do if I want to be happy and successful. It is that I should not smile at everybody I come across. First know a person very well and then bring your hand forward for friendship. Of course anybody will think of you as Bhodu Ram if you smile at one and all. Of course you should not be bad to anybody but talk to people and in the talk you’ll know if you should like a person or not. Once you know a person try to go on with the friendship. Try to be good to person who is good to you. Not just be smiling but by doing something really helpful for them. If a person has not been good to you, just forget that person. Think that the person was not fit for you and you were not fit for that person.
6) I should even remember that love is a word which has a specific meaning. You can’t love a person just by looking at him. You have to know him first. Outer looks are cover for inner looks. You have to know a person, his nature to like him. If you just keep quiet thinking that you like a person you are being senseless. How can you like and love a person without knowing him. And above all you are very small to think of love and so it would be better if you study and be sensible then to worry your mind about absurd things. Be sensible. Don’t you want to be? Of course, you’ll be. You want to be successful, don’t you? Then forget about love. You can think of it when you grow up. So now, just forget it.
22nd May, 1982
Nowadays my smaller relatives have come to my house and I find myself fighting and beating one another. It is boring. After doing this I feel very small and disgusted with myself and I feel like killing myself. Nowadays I feel as if I’m acting childish and don’t know anything and I’m far, far off from my aim in life. I can’t like anyone in this world. I always find fault in everybody and nobody is good in this world. Nobody is the way I want them (except the babies)
All think great of themselves and think only of themselves. Nobody is bothered about other people. And I think one day even I’ll be the same person like them and be lost in this world.
Why can’t people stop from calling others names. Some people call other people ‘Stupid’ and ‘Bhodu Ram’ and all kinds of hurting words. What right have they to call other people such names? Why should they think other people as inferior?. God made everybody same, didn’t he? Or is there any God? Thinking deeply I find that there is no God? He allows people to be sad. People say that there is hell and heaven below and above us. But doesn’t God have any pity to hurt the people in hell (as I have heard) If only God will not have pity, I don’t know who will have it? Can God expect that from people?
Sometimes I think that we are just some kind of beings like animals and plants and why do we have to take life seriously. We just have to live and die. And the luckier one and hard working one gets happiness and the other gets unhappiness. But the spirit also depends on people around us.
5th September, 1982
Today Meeta Ben was telling me that I’ll not get admission in their college. I badly want to get it. Moreover because they tell me that all people are very nice there, including boys. No comments are passed.
I think I’ll make this my first achievement to my success in doing what I have in mind without getting afraid of failures. Failures come and go. There is always bright success after failures. If we fail we should be happy as after that we’ll be able to start everything all over again.
I’ll study very hard this year. I know there are many distractions. But this is the final year and if I studied for so many years, I should have patience for one more year. This report will say many things to many people.
SO, I’LL STUDY VERY, VERY, VERY HARD THIS YEAR.
There are three goals:
1) To be simple.
2) To go on working till success
3) To use my common sense.
20th September, 1982
Today Moral Science period was a memorable one. Miss Cynthia said that at our age we have a tendency to day dreaming and we have a crush (fancy for others). But she said that we should at once stop ourselves once we know that we are day dreaming. It is not good. We should not encourage it. She also said that we have ideas of heroism, as we are not satisfied with ourselves and we tend to copy others. She said that the best way to stop this is to,
KEEP OURSELVES BUSY.
She said that all people want to achieve something. Our lives have become so much mechanical that we do not feel as if we have achieved anything and in order to achieve something, some people who are taught to do the right things try to do so but those who are not tend to do all kinds of risky things, bad things and all kinds of things which they feel that they should achieve. Therefore Miss Cynthia said that we should always keep busy and not day-dream. Of course we have to think and reason out things, but that is completely different from day-dreaming.
Nowadays I talk too much with Swati and I think that I’ll tend to spoil her and myself both. I don’t pay too much attention in my studies. This is my final year of school and this’ll be my future. I must be very studious this year and should study hard to get admission in a good college so that I stay with decent people. I should not be like those people who just want to enjoy life and achieve the silly things instead of the big things waiting for me. I will study really hard this year and reach my goal.
17 November, 1982
We finished our Diwali last year and I’m starting a New Year. This is the second day. I think that I’ll start writing in my diary again. But now I’ll not write about my behavior and how I should act (for I think that now I can manage that). I’ll write about what I do in the whole day. I’ve been wasting too much time of my life and I should try to make best use of my time. Today when I went through my diary, I saw the help that I got from writing i.e. I progressed daily and now I know how to live in this world.
And I’m sure the other diary will help me utilize my time. Further, when I go through my diary when I grow old I’ll see my victories in life and I’ll be happy. I’ll not be one who knows nothing about life. I’ll be able to give one-to-one account of my life right from when I was 15 years old. Everyday in the night I’ll sit with my diary and if I can’t write of one day I can always write it the other day. But it’ll be much good work if I write it that day itself as it will fresh in my mind. If it becomes more than two days then I’ll know I’ve become lazy and can’t live upto what I’ve planned. So, its upto me. Yes, I’ll do it.
18th November, 1982
(I have to write about 17th and 18th)
On the 17th I had my periods. It pained and so most of the day I slept and read my Nancy Drew book “Mystery of 99 steps”. In the afternoon I went to Bina’s house and then we went to their building’s terrace and we could see our building and many others. Then I went to Yashwant Mama’s house as Samir’s teacher had come and as the teacher taught she talked with me and I found that I did talk to her without my fits of awkwardness or shyness. I liked talking to her. Like always ‘ Christians are so well-mannered’. I ate lunch at Mami’s house and then we all went to Kanu Mama’s house. Baku Ben and Tiku Ben are engaged and their fiance are very nice. They are so lively nowadays that I cannot help but be eager for those days of my life. I pray to God that he’ll keep me pure and nice as I am now.
On the 18th morning I went to my Maths tuitions and then at 10:00 for my French tuitions. I really was not shy when I went to office and asked for my report and talked to teacher (as no one had come). I really felt great. I was like I always wanted to be. We were to have lunch at Kanu Mama’s place and I went there after changing and there were many people there. There again I felt awkward, not as I used to but little less. I came back as soon as possible and I slept in the afternoon. Bhavna came and I woke up. Her mummy had come fromMuscat and she bought dress material for me. Then I went to Bhavna’s house and my evening was spent there. We talked about ‘Nirodh’. We could not make out what it is. At night Meena Ben – Meeta Ben came back to pavilion from Poona without going to Mahabaleshwar. I was happy.
19th November, 1982
Today I didn’t do anything (worthwhile). I just had the day slip by. I’m sure this way my life will slip out of my hand and I’ll be dreaming about what life is for. I should remember that it is just a part to be played (natural acting will be the best act). Morning I washed my hair and I was feeling bored to remove the knots of my long hair and Premila Mami did it for me. She is so good. She doesn’t like to sit idle. She goes on doing anything. I must learn that. In the afternoon I went to Kailash Ben’s house where they have the colour TV. The 9thAsiad is held at Delhi and it was lovely to see the inauguration today. First they had a parade. Then all kinds of Indian folk programmes. It was very beautiful for words.
20th November, 1982
Morning I went for classes and the day was dragged. Evening we went to see movie and it was the end of the day. No use of living. Really, I’m not doing anything worthwhile. I do not understand or realize that this is my final year of school and my life career depends on this year. I’ll start studying tomorrow.
21st November, 1982
No studying. As usual the dragging. I’m not taking utmost use of my vacation. There are few people who get holidays for Asiad in their S.S.C. year. I must follow Sapna’s example and start studying. She is studying like hell. She’ll reach her goal. I’ll be left behind. I must do something.
22nd November, 1982
It was worthwhile though very little study. Morning I got up early and went to play Badminton with Manisha. I have got cold and cough and so I didn’t feel well during my special vacation classes in school. I don’t know why, but I had a deep inner complexity feeling inside me when I reached school. I felt as if I was good – for – nothing and everybody thought of me as nothing but a goody – goody girl. I hated the feeling. I reached home and in the evening I went to see “Kamchor” a movie which is not released yet with Kailash Ben in Prakash Mehra’s stidio. We saw SanjeevKumar and Shatrughan Sinha there. The picture was okay. It told us that if we do hard work, we’ll get all the happiness of the world. After movie we went to Open House to eat Pizza’s.
23rd November, 1982
We had classes and I came home tired. I slept in the afternoon and as usual no studying. I had fun with Bhavin and Malay. And once Malay went to the extent of trying to drop water on me as if shouting and then I split water on him and then as usual, he had to do the same with me and so though I was ready to go out with Bhavna to the doctor, I had to cancel it and what names Malay called me were awful. I always hate him when he calls me names. He has no brains I feel. Bhavin is very nice. He is good and knows what he is doing. I hope Malay was like him. But everybody can’t be same. I have to learn to cope up with everybody. I hope I learn soon.
24th November, 1982
Today was Wednesday. We had classes in the morning and in the French classes I couldn’t help but hate Sir Iyer. I hate him. How he acts with girls. He is the opposite of Sir Dickson. He knows how irritated all the girls are when he touches them. But then also he will do more. I hate him. I wonder what he gets by doing that. All he gets is bad words from all. But he is a good man. From what he says (his usual lectures) one feels as if he is a good person. God will decide what is right. In the afternoon, I went with Bhavna to Bombay hospital to see her baby brother, Bunty, who has been kept there for a minor heart operation as there is a hole in his heart. I hope he gets well soon.
When we went to the station I bought the tickets. I was very irritated when Bhavna just got out of the line and I had to take the tickets. I was angry. Then when my chance came I didn’t know whether to take the ticket for Bombay or Churchgate and so I had to call out to her. The ticket master got irritated when I didn’t ask for return tickets and he gave me single , after that I said return. He got real angry and started telling that I was mad and didn’t know anything (of course it was my mistake) but he could have used better words. I felt real down in my dumps when I got in the train and I had the feeling that I was good for nothing. Then I recollected my past resolutions and I felt better. Then we reached Marine Lines and after asking many places reached the Bombay Hospital. We were before time and we went to have juice. I didn’t want to give money. Bhavna never gives and so though I drank fast I just sat for Bhavna to finish (she was drinking very slowly. I wonder why?) She paid and we got out. Then we went to the hospital and at 7:30 left there. Then we came to Borivli and went to the doctor as I was not feeling well. At the doctor’s there were two women talking that girl’s get careless about their health when they get married and they eat, sleep and become fat. They all feel lazy to work and therefore grow fat. I hope I never become that way. Then Bhavna came to my place and we ate together and then I slept. I made a resolution that I shouldn’t be goody – goody. I should be good to good people and cunning with cunning people. I shouldn’t be lad astray by anybody. I shouldn’t be fooled by anybody. I should beware of the wolves of the world.
25th November, 1982
A day that dragged by as usual. Morning we had to pay our S.S.C. form. I had to fill it twice as I made a mistake in the first one and Hazel filled my second form. I hope nothing goes wrong. While filling I had the feeling that at present we were filling our forms and soon I would be leaving school. It was good as well as bad feeling. We had one hour to pass in school and I went to the library to read the diary of Ann Marie. It’s a beautiful book which combines nine diaries and is written beautifully. Ann Marie used to write everything she wanted to know to a friend and she used to answer beautifully. I know everything about my periods and how a child is born. It is explained beautifully and as something sacred and pure. I should remember that love is sacred and pure and should be made only with husband, the sole deserver. I hope I remember it throughout my life.
On Diwali I got a card on my door which was addressed by someone who loves me dearly (it seems). I hope he forgets me soon and concentrates on some other girl. Bhavna ad I are both doubting Bhavesh, the mavali of our building. He goes after almost all the girls and stares at everyone. At first, I had been stupid enough to admire him and then as the facts became clear in my mind, I hate him and hope and pray to God that he gives brains to know people before they go far away from doing anything right. I shouldn’t feel guilty about this small thing, as I only admired him and nothing went beyond that and nothing will ever go. At my age, I have read that everybody has a tendency to appreciate the other sex (so it was just common). Everybody makes one mistake. But once made shouldn’t be made twice (I’ll remember that).
26th November. 1982
As usual morning 9:00 to 1:00 p.m. classes and then eating, then sleeping and feeling bored and then doing nothing. I’m writing at present and I’ll study now. So long.
Evening : I went to the temple with Kailash Ben and while coming, Meena Ben and Meeta Ben went to Mama’s house. I could see Meena Ben’s acknowledgement of not wanting to take me along and she forced Meeta Ben to come. Meeta Ben is so understanding and so nice and then also she doesn’ t get what she should and Meena Ben (I hate her at present) she will soon become spoilt. She is cunning and will make great fool of others. She thinks too great of herself. But I cannot help but envy Meena Ben. She has everything that a girl of her age needs. She can be called a perfect child of today. She was bought up with utmost care and love while Meeta Ben and I were not. So we’re not so perfect. We act artificially. Malay is also like Meena Ben. Both are spoilt.
I feel like running away somewhere. Do suicide. Do anything but get out of this world. There is not a single soul (except Kailash Ben) whom I adore. All are selfish. There are millions of people living in this world and I don’t know what is the importance of a girl who has nothing great in her and who can’t do what she wants to do (as she herself doesn’t know this). I feel as if I’m running to my olden days when I used to feel sad at people who talked sad things about me. I should have confidence in me and should always know that God is faithful (Everybody has doubts) But just have confidence and the world will be yours. Do what you want to Act as you like. There is nobody to whom you are obliged. Be happy and live. God has given life to live. Then why don’t you live it happily. What is there if others do not care for you. You can care for others, can’t you? You will get over this feeling as you grow up. What is there if you can’t become fat. This is not bad. If you go on thinking that if you’ll worry you’ll become thin then you’ll worry more and become more thin. Just live in this world. Everybody has worries. And you have to worry if there are worries. Don’t just let it go by. Solve them.
DO NOT BE WEAKLING.
YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING BAD, DID YOU?
THEN WHY DO YOU FEEL WEAK.
YOU SHOULD HAVE THE STRONGEST FORCE TO PUSH YOU FORWARD
From tomorrow, I’ll start my new diary and I hope it will be a way of success in my life.
4th, December, 1982
I’m happy to start my new diary. The last few days I’ve been down in my dumps. But like the silver lining of the dark cloud, here are my happy days. I’ve been thinking this days and have come to a conclusion that I am sad because I’m idle. I should always be busy. Idleness is a devil’s workshop. I should have confidence and hard work to get happiness.
Another thing is that I’ve been thinking that I’m very nice and don’t like to hurt anybody (that’s why I didn’t fight for the right). But the right reason is that I have an inferiority complex, because of which I didn’t have confidence and therefore no courage to do anything. Because of which I felt sad and good for nothing. I didn’t like to do anything. But now I’m going to fight my complexity and be like the other girls.
I’ve not been writing for many days and so let me write an account from 27th to present day. Bhavna’s brother Bunty has a hole in his heart and is being treated in Bombay hospital and is to be operated. He has to be given six bottles of fresh blood. Her uncle and father are giving blood and Bhavna came to ask Daddy and so Mahendra Kaka and two other fellows are also going. Daddy and everybody is so good. As usual I didn’t study anything. I was not feeling too well. I had a cold.
On 1st December it was Meena Ben’s birthday. Before that on 29th, Karuna had come to stay at our house and we had fun. On 30th, when we went to the market, we bought two roses for Meena Ben which we kept in Kailash Ben’s house. On 1st morning I wished Meena Ben but forgot to give the roses and went to classes. Kalu gave them to Meena Ben. We had a good lunch and in the afternoon, Varsha Bhabhi, Jasmine Bhabhi and Ajay Bhai came and we had fun. But I couldn’t help when sometimes I felt somewhat awkward as if I was somewhat lower than them. But soon the feeling was lost when we all went to ‘Lalit’ restaurant and enjoyed every moment. Even Bhavin and Deepa had come. Ketan Bhai was there, of course. And Shailesh Bhai also came. At ‘Lalit’, I found that many people are ignored and insulted but they do not feel inferior. I should learn something from them. Then except Shailesh Bhai, Varsha Bhabhi, and Kalu all Matungawala’s went home and we returned here in Chandu Kaka’s car which we had taken. On 2nd we forced Shailesh Bhai to stay and after coming from my classes in the afternoon we went to see ‘The snake in the monkey’s shadow’, a beautiful movie in Samrat. It was a story about a boy who was eager to learn Kung fu, but some people kill his two teachers and then after seeing a fight between a monkey and snake and seeks revenge. It was beautiful. Then while coming back we ate Pani Puri and sandwich and Kulfi and came back. All were happy.
Once Kalu had told me about her friend who had friendship with a boy and now somebody told her that the boy is a flirt and the girl is very sad. I’m sad with her. I’m happy that I’ve not had any such nuisance in my life and that I’ll never have any boy friends in any other sense except friends. My only lover will be the one I get after my engagement. That’s true love.
Yesterday, I went to stitch my clothes to the tailor and I hope he makes good clothes. I studied hard yesterday and today I finished my Hindi homework. I’ve been thinking and come to the conclusion that I should get the least 80% in my S.S.C. exam. For if I don’t, I‘ll have to go to some dirty colleges. So, if I get 70 in all languages, 40 in all sciences, 80 in my social science and full marks in math, then I’ll get 560 out of 700 marks and then I’ll get 80%. I just have to get that much. I don’t think it’ll be hard if I make up my mind. But this mind! Oh God, let me be the boss and do what exactly is good and good is that I should study and I will.
5th December, 1982
Today early in the morning, Harsha Ben came to India from America with Avani. I went to see her. Mummy went but I didn’t want to go with her. She is at her in-laws house. We have Ketan Bhai’s marriage on 25th December and so we all will meet and have fun. Harsha Ben, Avani, Daxa Faiba, Nirvi, Hetal, Hansa faiba, Pranav and all will be here and we are all going on a tour to Mt. Abu. I hope I have loads of fun and no moody feeling. I am going to stitch my Chaniya Choli from Bhabhi’s saree for the marriage.
Today there was to be the movie ‘Geet Gaata Chal’ in the T.V., which was the first attempt of showing in color. We went to Kailash Ben’s house. The movie was nice. In the movie once it said that what is the life which doesn’t like to live, which doesn’t know what to do. We should be happy. Nature is with us. We can never be alone. Everybody doesn’t love everybody . But always somebody loves somebody. I still remember that I feel good – for – nothing because of the inferiority complex I have and that I should use all my common sense and sensibly cone out of any situation and live wisely. You should do everything that you feel is right and none of the mights of the world should stop you. You are free. No one is bothered about you. Then why should you be bothered by them. There are many things to do in this world except listening to the foolish comments of people.
BE WISE. LIVE WISE. LIFE IS YOURS, YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TO LEAD IT TO SUCCESS.
6th December, 1982
Happy days are here again. Yes, those days which I had thought will never come have come back (bad days – of course) I don’t like to live here. I feel like running away. Today Ketan Bhai said that I was lazy bone and that good – for – nothing. But I don’t like to live here. I just feel like running away. Why should I live here where I’m not wanted, where I’m not respected nor loved nor cared for. Yes, all care for me. But I don’t know why I feel as if I’m inferior, good – for – nothing. I feel like ending my life. Oh, God please don’t help me. I don’t want anybody’s worthless love. I can’t distinguish anything. I’m just a successful person. Now I’ll not write anything about my feelings in my diary. I should give less importance to mental feelings so that there is place for something concrete.
I’ve just gone through my diary and now I no longer feel sad or bad. Ketan Bhai and Meena Ben said that if I don’t go out meeting people, then people will also stop meeting me. Who cares? Why should I meet people who are least bothered about me. Let them not care for me. They can’t expect me to care for them when they don’t even care a bit. I’ve tried. Nobody can deny it. And what did I get? More failure. No, not failure. I can say that they don’t want only to care. Then why should I force myself upon them. Now, sometimes it pains my heart when I’m ignored and neglected. But I should learn to get used to it or at least to stay away from them.
7th December, 1982
Yesterday afternoon I was feeling very sad and as if to get over this in the evening I thought I had solved all my problems. Yesterday evening I went to Ankleshwaria’s daughter Jasmine’s wedding and from there we went straight to meet Harsha Ben. Even Charu Ben was there. Puja has become fat and she looks very nice. Avani looks just beautiful and gorgeous for words. Harsha Ben was talking that they have fun over there in America. She said that here, in India there is nothing like life only. It looks just cook, cook. But in America they just live happily if they feel boring to cook, they go out. And no khit-pit of Sasu. She said that here we have almost all children with some diseases and the atmosphere is full of germs and there they don’t have anything like that. Everything is clean.
I noticed one thing nice about Harsha Ben. When she said something about us, she said all the three not only Meena – Meeta (as all do). By that I think that in America there must be respect for everyone. I feel as if I’ll be very happy if I go there. Yesterday in the marriage also Meena Kaki was telling as she was comparing our marriage to the Parsi and she was saying that the Parsi’s are so free with one another and nobody talks something bad about anybody but in our Guju’s wedding nobody is free and everybody is talking about money, money or some riti-rivaj. Or, its boring. I’ll not be that kind. I don’t like that kind.
When Didi Ben was talking about America, I made plans in my mind about my future life and I’ll abide by them:
Nowadays, I’ll study hard for my S.S.C. I’ll get good marks. I’ll go to good college. I’ll study hard. Then I’ll work somewhere and then I’ll marry someone who’ll take me to America. If I don’t get someone then first I’ll earn enough here and then go to America myself. I’ll not marry here and live here and make a mess of my life. I’m sure that I’ll not be happy here. First of all, I’m not a wise girl for any of my near and dear ones. It could only be because I’m lazy (Yes, you are) But I’m going to work hard. I can’t just talk. I’m starting to feel that I just talk and do nothing. Because I’ve the diary I feel that all I’m doing is right and all are wrong and people don’t like me and don’t care for me and all the rubbish! But Vibha, you can’t expect people to love you and care for you when you yourself do not care for them, do not love them. You should learn to trust others and then others will trust you.
It is written in my palms that I have brilliance. But I use it according to my moods. And that if I do not have ambition in my life, then I’ll be lead astray, I’ll not be able to use my brilliance. So, from today onward I’ll not depend too much on my moods and I’ll not be lazy. God, please remind me not to be lazy and let me know by punishment that I’m not doing hard work. Please help me to know what I should do i.e. which I can do by hard work and not just sit back and say that ‘I CAN’T DO’. I can do everything if I want to. Even get 85% or 90% in S.S.C. Of course, if you want to. I’ll want of course. So, I’ll start my job today. Study, Study, Study, Study.
One more thing, my ring will always help me to remember my goal and it’ll be a symbol for my success.
Tomorrow school is reopening after my Asiad and Diwali holidays. Best of luck.
I did my Hindi Homework in the afternoon and Mami came and I talked with her. She asked me to see a drama with them. I agreed. At 6:00 p.m., I took Anne French hair remover lotion and I went to the bathroom. I had to just sit there after applying it in my underarms. I took my Biology textbook to read it inside and I read the lesson very nicely. I understood almost everything. I read it with real interest.
At 7:30, I went to Kanu Mama’s place, as I wanted to see the drama ‘Sathiya ma ek rang ocho’ . Their full building was there and I made new friends Sheela, Meena, Nyna, etc. We had fun. The drama was good. No morals except I learned that if you think that you are good, then you must be doing something good for others. You’re doing nothing by smiling and being goody-goody. Why should you smile at a person? When you know that he has done something bad. You’re encouraging them. If you really want to be good, Go and tell them that they are doing something bad and stop them. At 12:00 when the drama left all were of Borivli. We had nice fun walking at night.
8th December, 1982
Mummy has gone to Ahmedabad yesterday for marriage and daddy is going today. Meena Ben’s exam are there and she is having her periods. So, she’ll not work. Meeta Ben has to do all the work. I’m no help. Lata Masi and family came today from their tour to holy places and they were to have lunch at our house.
My school reopened and I missed my bus, the first time in the full year. When I reached school, I enjoyed every moment in school (I don’t know why. It could be because I was not self-possessed) Nothing was taught. It was Mary’s feast day and so we wrote an essay ‘To be a good Marian’. I wanted to write nicely and I wrote what I could. But it didn’t come out nice. Then we were taken to the hall where we were shown two movies. One of Laurel and Hardy and the other ‘Tarzan fights for freedom’ It was the story of how Tarzan finds Jane, his wife. It was beautiful. It was natural. At first Tarzan was like an ape and when Jane came he became little gentle. He used to just pull her roughly. We all had fits of laughter and when we were left we all fooled about it. During the movie, Raji was very annoying. She’s a very big girl. Then also she doesn’t have brains. She may be having but she doesn’t use them. She feels as if whatever she feels is right and she doesn’t want to change. Sometimes I feel like telling her all. But she’ll not understand. She is brought up like that. I think so she’ll not change.
Yesterday I came to know that I feel as if I’m not fit for anything. Because I just tell myself so. If I really want to do something, I can easily do it. But I should have confidence.
9th December, 1982
Morning we had my classes and when I came back I made a time table of what I should study each day. Today I had to study Biology. But I read only one lesson. Today we had P.T. and I wore my P.T. uniform and went to school. We had french classes from 11:00 to 12:00. Sir Iyer came in our school bus. Sister announced that there will be inspection tomorrow and all should be ready. Hindi Miss was telling us what she’ll do. In French period Sir gave us one of his life lectures. I read story book. P.T. period, I didn’t play. Then Physics was taught. I didn’t understand a thing. Then we had rehearsal of tomorrow’s P.T. Today all the S.S.C students parents who hadn’t got their forms were called. All are giving their exam’s on March except Raji, who’ll give it in October. Raji doesn’t like studying, then also she wants to pass S.S.C. If she wants to pass then she should study. But she tells me that she can’t as she has to work and she has no tuition. I do not know what to make of it. I came home and in my building all the boys were sitting. I hope they were not waiting for me (especially B). I don’t care for him. I want to go to America and I don’t want to become stale here.
10th December, 1982
Today morning Mummy-Daddy came from Ahmedabad and I went for my Physics classes to Mrs. RadhaKrishna. I was feeling sleepy (though I had slept from yesterday night at 9:00 o’ clock).
I came home, ate sandwiches and after changing went to school. Bhavna and Kavita were not coming and Kavita came to give me a leave note. They wanted to go to see their brother. I went to school and gave the leave note and changed into my white skirt (removed my blue skirt) and went to the library. There I took an Alfred Hitchcock book ‘The Invisible Dog’ in Rajul’s card. Today we had inspection and so everybody was quite during assembly. The inspector had not come. Today was an exceptionally beautiful day. I was happy. It could be because I have ambition and confidence and I’m working hard. Tomorrow I have Maths tuitions, Physics tuitions, French tuitions and then Physics classes and it’ll be busy morning. Our Marian competition results were announced and Aruna got the 2nd prize. She is so clever, so hard working, so wise, so confident. I’ll remember her. She takes part in everything and succeeds in all. She has confidence and hard work to help her.
11th December, 1982
Morning I went for Maths classes, then Physics tuitions. From there I had to go alone to school. Jayshree’s company from school gate. We had French classes. Sir told that he had students who tried very hard in one of the schools and they had an eagerness to study which we didn’t. I thought that if I really study, then I might get good marks (70). I gave Hazel my auto book. She is the first one and I hope I get many auto’s of my friends in it. I even gave her some greetings for ideas (as she makes and sends her own greetings). Then we had Physics classes. Hazel actually faught to make me sit in the middle with Kala and she on sides. On 10th it was Else – Elga’s (twins) birthday and they asked me to come to their house on Sunday. But today Else didn’t tell me anything about it and I don’t know whether to go or not (I’ll go I think)
In the afternoon Ketan Bhai was hungry and I alone made chapattis for him. I like to do something on my own, without anybody’s help. We had to go to marriage of Mahendra – Varsha and I washed my hairs. Then I was feeling boring to go but I went. Kailash Ben said that we should not miss a chance of going out. While we were there near Charni Road, we went to see Bunty in Bombay Hospital. He is fine (okay, under treatment). We ate in the ‘wadi’ and after taking pictures came out. We sat in the Ghoda – Gadi (on the top) and all were looking at us. It was a nice feeling. Kali was loving it. He hated to leave it. In the train we were all chatting and we had nice fun. While coming we drank juice from ‘Shital’ and some daddy’s friend paid the bill. I get complicated by this bill business. I don’t want to be fooled nor do I want to be called a ‘Kanjus’ person.
There are only 100 days left for my board exam (18th March) and here I’m taking it easy. I should study up (and down).
12th December, 1982
I went to Elsa-Elga’s house. I didn’t know their house so I called Sonali and she told me that she’ll wait near Reliance electronics at 10:15. I was in time. As I waited there, I felt very awkward. Some boys came there and stood a little further. They thought of making fun of me and they called a Rikshawala and send him towards me. I didn’t just feel like standing there and I went inside Medona Colony lane and I found Elsa’s house. I went up and bought Elsa – Elga down to see if Sonali had come. She came at 10:45. Else showed me her boy friend, Traverse. Christian boys don’t look nice. Elsa – Elga look nice. At their house they bought us things to eat, one by one and then juice. Then Elsa danced (little). Then we left and came home. I was feeling very happy. No depressions (It could be because I’m working hard)
No studying in the afternoon. At 4:00 Manisha had called me to go to Dwarka where she was giving party to her friends as her birthday is tomorrow. Only two of her friends came. One took a great liking for me (Priti) and she said that I looked better than Meena Ben. I took great liking for the other girl (Leena). She was a joker. We came and saw little of ‘Shikshaa’ a TV movie and then we went to see ‘Swami Dada’ of Dev Anand. It was okay. Bhavna and Kavita had also come and they have not paid for the tickets. 6 Rs. Each and I should remember what they have done for me and I should learn from their experience of what to do for a happy living and smart living. I should remember that I don’t want to be goody – goody but to do hard work and have confidence. I went to sleep at Bhavna’s house. Vibha, take life easy. It’s just one out of the millions of millions.
13th December, 1982
Morning I went to play Badmington with Bhumpi. Then I came home and had bath and as I had to study Chemistry today, I studied one lesson. Then at 10:45 I had to go to the tailors to give my measurements for Chaniya-Choli and then bus came and I ran to it. Bhavna had told the driver to wait. In school I had fun. I had given Hazel my auto book and she has done a beautiful drawing in it. I gave it to Thereza now. In school we had first three periods free. I and Raji had put a bet (of 5 star chocolate) because I said that tomorrow we had to come in colored clothes and she didn’t believe. I lost. Maths was taught. Hindi Miss taught a poem and she advised our class that now for 3-4 months we should forget about everything and study hard. Miss Indu is very nice. I like her. In Chemistry we did experiments. It was fun. In recess Raji. Manali and myself went to Canteen. Nowadays I don’t get so much afraid of people. Of course I’ll keep on trying and not sit back. I’ll overcome full shyness and become bold. In Moral Science classes Miss Cynthia said that we are fools as we used to waste our time talking and doing nothing like study in classes. She used to study very hard in S.S.C. Mrs. Indu said that S.S.C. is the most important study year of life.
I got very angry at Geeta today. Because I had story books she talked to me andother days she insults me and doesn’t talk. All are Matlabis.
I’m growing lazy and I should work hard for my exams. I should always be busy. Miss Cynthis said that you should have mental timetable of what you’ll do next day. Don’t allow yourself to be drifted. You’ll get nowhere with that. Do something realistic. There are many things waiting for you.
Babita was there when I got home and we had nice fun. Babita is good. We made icecream today as it was Manisha’s birthday. I felt a little down in the dumps today. But I’ll not let it dampen my spirits which I’ve been trying to liven for such a long period. I have confidence and hard work and America.
Today Bhavna, Rajul and myself were measuring our figures and mine came as 28, 23, 32 ½ . It was embarrassing. A nice figure is 36, 24, 36. At least if upper and lower part is same it would look better but mine is awkward. I’ll do my exercises everyday. Bhavna’s was 28, 23, 30 and Rajul’s was 29, , 33. I felt low because of this.
When we went for Mahendra Bhai’s wedding, Lata Masi was telling that Mummy is very clever and I was proud. But I don’t somehow like Mummy and I always get wild whenever she tells me something. I somewhat pity her. I don’t completely know my feelings towards her and I don’t know why I behaved like bad daughter towards her. I should be more nicer. Please help me remember that, dear God. Thank You.
14th December, 1982
Morning I went for my Math classes. Sujatha gave me 9 comics and I gave her 2 books. I came by B.E.S.T and after coming home I read one book of Denise. I like Denise, the menace. It is fun to read his mischief’s. Even ‘Archie’ books are good. They involve our problems. I helped mummy to make Roti’s, did my exercises very nicely (I’ve resolved to do it everyday), wore my clothes and went to school. I got the bus as it was going to Babai and I saw that everybody was busy doing some work. There were thousands of people working on all sorts of things. I felt very minute.
In school, first period was English, where we were taught ‘How to avoid traveling’. Then Biology we did Experiment and we enjoyed it. French translations. Recess was fun. Maths was taught. Hindi nothing. We went to Chemistry lab and did experiment of Normality. We bunked History class. In Recess we went to Canteen and had fun. In Geography we were taught about Animals and I felt that I didn’t know anything about countries. I must learn more. Maths was taught and again Physics experiment. End of school.
Mary Ann (as others say) is crazy after me. It is not true. She doesn’t really like me but she sometimes must have said so and her friends fool about it. I don’t feel nice when I find that somebody is crazy after me (or is it the other way). Everybody wants to be loved.
Sister announced that we are celebrating Children’s Day tomorrow. So, no books and coloured clothes. Today Daxa Faiba came and I may go to see them tomorrow. So Long.
15th December, 1982
Morning I got up early at 6:15 (I had slept at 9:00 yesterday). I studied History (one lesson) and 2-3 para’s of Geography. I feel boring to study these two subjects. Then I did my exercises and then I had a hair bath and while my hairs dried, I did Algebra sums. Then I wore my ‘Maroon’ dress and took one plait and went to school. All had come in coloured clothes. It was like fashion show. Thereza bought my auto. She has wrote beautifully (drawed).
During Assembly, the teachers sang one song about ‘beautiful words’. Then we were shown two English movies. One was about cowboy. I hoped that I had gone to Matunga. But I couldn’t do anything else so I enjoyed there. Mary Ann used to feel shy and do all the things that crazy girls do. And worst of all I felt angry when I found myself doing what the liked (by crazy) girls did. I don’t know why but I always smile and I give quite an opposite impression of what I am. If I am angry, I don’t show it. I am crazy.
Then, we had carol singing competition. ‘X ‘ ‘A’ won. In the class I read story books. And once when I told Geeta that I’ll not give her books, she told Maya about it and Maya made a face which said that I was good – for – nothing. I felt very sad. Of course, nobody felt it. Then we were given Marian Notes and one ‘dabba’ (box) for Children’s Day. We were sent early. I looked good.
Malay said that I was a ‘slow coach’ and did everything slowly. I’ll have to be hard working and confident. Not just for words but deeds.
16th December, 1982
I found that if you do your work nicely and happily all will be happy. Here is a beautiful song ‘Chad de sari duniya kisike liye’. I wanted to write the song when it came on the radio. But I couldn’t. I’ll write it some other time.
Today morning I thought of doing my work fast and so I brushed my teeth at 6:05 and at 6:15 I was out of the bathroom. I studied then for 15 minutes and then Mummy combed my hairs and I went to my classes. I went with Rajul. She’s nice, though talkative (it’s nice though boring at times). Sir P.L. is good. He jokes and at the same time teaches nicely. I came home walking. I came home and studied Biology and then I did my exercises and dressed. Kali came and he livened my spirits for the day. I was a happy girl when I went down.
We had French classes. Sir Iyer asked me if I had started studying. I said ‘Yes’ just to get away from him. Bhavna didn’t bring my auto. Kavita had borrowed 2 Rs. As she wanted to spend hers as well as give the Driver’s bonus. During Assembly sister announced about death of one girl (Sheela’s) daddy. I prayed for peace. I felt sad.
In English Miss taught a lesson ‘ How to avoid travelling’ . In Hindi, Mrs. Indu checked the books for comp. and gave remarks to girls who had not written it. During P.T. period we played Throw Ball. We laughed and made fun. All were sports. Today I liked Hazel very much. We didn’t talk much but I admired her. In recess we went to Canteen (Manali, was absent). I met Mary Ann on the slope. I offered her my chips but she didn’t take. I had that inferior feeling for some time but it went away after some time. In Physics, we went to the lab and I was sitting near Thereza on the table. I felt confident sitting beside her. She is a strange girl. She hates Romance. It seems that a boy named Sydney likes her but she doesn’t even look at him. Ah! What a life.
During the last period I read story book. In Maths period Miss asked me to answer a question and though I knew it I told her that I didn’t know. But after that I felt bad. I should be smart. Why should you be afraid of anybody. You should not be afraid but respect others.
When we finished school, I was going to leave the key when I found Mary standing. Her leg was paining. I went with her to bring her Physics journal from the class. She was still waiting when I left her. On the stairs Rajul said that one of their relatives got a child two months after marriage. Bhavna didn’t know how. Rajul, Bhumpi and I knew. All at once Bhavna said that our bus had come. We hadn’t known it as it was dark and we ran to it. We were just in time and the bus was about to move. In the bus again Bhumpi brought up the subject and Rajul explained to Bhavna about it. But Bhavna didn’t understand. I told her that I’ll give her a book about how a child is born (the diary of Ann Marie)
Today in Hindi comprehension I read that if we just stay sad because of our hand-made sadness it would be that we have no interest in life. If we are sad in our way of living we should see through our life and we should try to solve our troubles.
(A note that I found in one of hindi essays which I translate here)
Life is a valuable asset. If for any reason you cannot make the most of it, then your first duty is to look over your current situation. What is your problem? Treat it lightly and try to find a solution for it. Inspite of this if you allow your situation to get heavy on you and allow yourself to feel sad with this imaginative troubles then you are not enjoying your life.
(Another note that I found in my diary. It was given to me by a well wisher though right now I genuinely do not remember who. It is written in Gujrati which I translate)
Getting great report card is not success. But doing such deeds which gives you satisfaction that you did something in life and you did not waste your life. That is why our religion says that to have the life of a human being is very valuable. There are thousands of kids in this world who do not even have food to eat. Compared to them you are so lucky. To help you progress you have your parents working hard.
Then why not try? Why just sit around? Use your time. Use your head. And from today onwards start thinking what you want to do in your life. You must plan and on this new Years day my message to you is this.
Keep this note with you and read this again and again and read it after 10 years too and maybe you will succeed in life when thousands and thousands of people just waste their life.
I don’t work nowadays. I’m becoming thick-skinned and I don’t care for anything anybody says. It is good as well as bad. But then if we want to gain something, we always have to lose something, haven’t we?
17th December, 1982
Today morning I had my periods and then I went to Physics class to Miss RadhaKrishnan. She taught about eyes and I understood very nicely. She teaches beautifully. Then when I came home I prepared time-table and then I changed. I didn’t want to do exercises but I did two exercises for my hips. I ate and went down.
In school I completed my Physics journal. There is one girl Draupadi who was telling me that in Diwali she wanted to give me something. I don’t know what. Today I met her. She didn’t tell me what she was going to give me. During Assembly my legs and stomach was paining terribly and I got very irritated when sister took very long. During the first three periods it was like a nightmare and my stomach pained terribly. Geeta said that I looked very pale. She said that she didn’t feel nice without me making fun. It was a compliment. Sir Iyer asked me why I was keeping my head down and I said I had a headache. He knew about the girl’s problem. In Maths period I felt like vomiting and all the mouthful came into my mouth but I gulped it down before asking Miss if I could go to drink water. Everybody felt dirty on hearing that. I didn’t feel so bad. Then I felt much better.
In Hindi period I felt sleepy. In Chemistry we had to do experiment and that made me lively and it didn’t pain anymore. In Recess, we went to Canteen. Yesterday Kavita had taken 2 Rs. From me and Elsa had taken 1.50. I don’t mind giving but I feel as if they’re taking advantage of me as I am too much Bhodu Ram. Not exactly that but I should be smart. Of course, now if they don’t give money I’ll never lend my money so easily. Telling lies to such people won’t hurt. I’ll have to do it even if it hurts. Today I even lost one of my pens.
After Recess, we had World Of Work. Miss Cynthia was absent and as we were talking sister Principal called us down and asked us to write an imposition (50 times). We didn’t feel a bit sorry. In Geography, the usual lessons and during P.T.(Physical Training) we did Carol singing. Then I came home and as there was no Meena – Meeta I wanted to drink water (as me and Mummy both had periods and we do not touch anything when we have periods), so I went to Lata Masi’s house (in their house it is OK) and ate Idli there. Then we saw Chhaya Geet and then here I am writing. Tomorrow I have Maths – Physics – French classes and then I’ll go to Matunga. Even Hansa faiba came today. I’m eager to go.
Today, in school as I was not feeling well many girls asked me what had happened and I felt very happy. Nowadays, all X standard students are good to each other, I mean as we are when we are about to leave (Yes, the days to leave are coming closer). I’m beginning to feel unhappy. No studying today. Rest. I’ll study now. So long.
18th December, 1982
Exactly 3 months left for our board exams and exactly a week left for Ketan Bhai’s marriage.
Today morning I got up at 6:15 and combed my hair and without taking a bath went to my Math classes. Then on my Physics classes I saw the IX standard girls going on a picnic. They were enjoying. Then from Physics tuition I went with Bhavna and Rajul to school for my French classes. Kala was there with me. Kala is very nice. I don’t know her well but I like her. While coming home, Geeta removed my ticket. Then I came home, ate my lunch, and then I had a hair bath. At 3:00, I was going to meet Bhavna and we were going to go together till Bandra. She had four passes of which I took one and removed extension to King’s Circle. It took 70 paise. In the train there were some girls who were probably from the country (desh) and one of them had lost her earring and so all of them put their belongings inside a purse. They didn’t knowthat V.T. and Bombay Central were the same. We made fun of them (indirectly). And I repented it afterwards. When I reached Kings Circle I decided to go to Avanti first. So I went there and took Deepa with me to Megh Mahal. Hetal is very nice. But there is the usual differences which one notices between the eldest girl and the second one (It is not fair, I tell it’s not fair) There Mota Bhabhi was somewhat irritated at our appearance and once when Daxa Faiba told me to bring diaper I brought something else and though I had brought sweets, I didn’t know how to give it. And so when I was going back to Avanti, I felt so irritated and disgusted with myself that on reaching Avanti I couldn’t once or twice control my tears. It was sad. I felt like the old Vibha who was good – for – nothing. I read a story book today which said that a coward is a corpse that suffers. They said that anything is better than fear. They said that if you scared of losing something then the next moment it is gone. So be brave. You have (are) nothing special.
Pushpa Kaki, Bhavin, Kalu, Mahendra Kaka, Deepa, Meena Kaki, Kirti Kaka, Charu Ben, Harsha Ben, and Daxa Faiba are all nice. I like them.
Today Harsha Ben said that she had heard complaints that I didn’t talk with anybody and was quiet. I didn’t know what to say. I said some rubbish, stale words and ended (Oh, for that inferior complex). Then I came to Megh Mahal with Meena Kaki again at night and then I enjoyed it. Many people were there. I think that we have to be bad (cunning) with this people or we’ll not be able to live. If somebody does bad, you have every right to do it back. You can’t be goody – goody because you want people to like you. Like you will be different from Love you. Be wise and people will love you.
We came by taxi here and Nirvi and Nishith came with us. I had a heavy heart before I wrote. Now I don’t feel so bad. I must remember that Hindi lesson (not to think too much about our small sadness and make them magnified and thus show that you have no interest in life. Live it, Vibha, Live it, not happily but wisely.
19th December, 1982
Today morning I got up and went for my Maths classes. Nirvi was sleeping beside me. When I came back I just let the time pass and then at ten, I saw Super Runa and then Saptahiki and then an English movie ‘ There goes the bride’ . It was beautiful. It was about a bachelor type man, who, on his daughter’s wedding day feels (because of a hurt in his head) that a statue is turned live. It was fun. Then I ate. Mummy had gone out. But I didn’t feel like helping Meena – Meeta (Ben) as they are happy when they are alone. They don’t want me IIn fact nobody wants me, except at school) Then I slept and then we got ready to go out. We went to Juhu Beach. I don’t know why but I felt very sad in the taxi and I cried. Nirvi kept on asking why I was crying. I must be crying because Meena Ben said that I was always late. I’m mad (I’m saying that because I feel it) At Juhu, Daxa Faiba and all others had come and I had the feeling that nobody was happy to have me (it was like it made no difference). In all that, it was almost my mistake. I don’t talk. I don’t make fun. But I always feel inferior and I feel that they’ll think low of me if I talk. So ‘Better not say, if you want to talk foolish’. But I’ve tried talking and it has got good results. So it must be because I’m just not interested in living. Because, for whom am I living. For what? Just to live in this stupid world.
I cried while coming back. Nirvi didn’t come with us. Daxa Faiba said to Meena Ben that don’t bring Vibha to the tour if she’s not going to talk. I want to talk. Oh God, please get that inferior complex feeling off me. Please don’t let me be so moody.
Pushpa Kaki said that I was clever but only because I didn’t talk all talk rubbish about me.
Our building tour is going to Birla – Titwala on 2nd January. We’ll not be ableto go as we are going to Gujarat. We weren’t able to go before also, when they had gone to Picnic Point. Good! I didn’t like to go also. Especially because of some building boys. I like in school nowadays. Raji, Manali, Hazel, Kala and myself make a good group and we enjoy. I should remember in life that if you want to be good company we should ourselves be happy and make others happy.
20th December, 1982
Exactly one month is left for the preliums. Today we got the time table. It’s not so nice. Everybody was a little nervous.
Today morning I got up at 7:15 and completed my chemistry journal (only wrote). Then I washed my hairs. And then usual time-table, dressing, combing, eating and going. Bhumpi was absent from school. I still feel she cheated me by taking my money to give to the driver though she had hers. I feel as if all people will cheat me and I trust nobody. I had with so much care tried to become fat and this Saturday-Sunday proved me as this usual thin-thin girl. I should learn to take life easy and to take it as it comes. Not to wait for something and at the same time lose what I could be enjoying.
In school, I went to the library to do my Hindi homework. Manali and Kala joined me there. Sharmila came to give me Hazel’s letter which asked me to submit her journal and give her story book to Maya B. She was absent today. I missed her. I gave my address to Kushal and she made fun of Mary Ann. It seems that Mary Ann feels shy of me. I think that what I’m encouraging is not good but I enjoy it.
During English class the usual teachings. In French sir gave answers and he gave them fast and we wrote fast. It went beautifully. First the girls made fuss about writing fast but when Sir didn’t pay any attention they settled down. Maths was usual. In Hindi Miss taught a lesson ‘Tala’ which says that when people start collecting things and want to be superior than others, then the need to protect themselves come into action. Mrs. Indu taught beautifully. In Chemistry she taught organic Chemistry and I understood it nicely. In Recess we went to Canteen. I was not as jolly as I was the other week (I had lost something) Then Social Service we did nothing special and Moral Science period was a special one. Mrs. Cynthia asked why nowadays people have become selfish and are not bothered about others. I was talking and she asked me why I talked. I wanted to say that it was because I liked the friends here and my parents like me to be talkative (though I’m sure that we should talk only when we have to) I wanted to talk but I didn’t have enough confidence. I don’t like Mrs. Cynthia so much nowadays. I got my pen which was lost.
After school we went to the shop nearby to buy sweets for Bhavna and Bhavna Mody joined us as she had missed her bus. She mixed beautifully. At our colony I went with Bhavna to see if my Chaniya Choli had fininshed and the tailor said that somebody had taken it. I met Meeta Ben on the way and she forced Bhavna to come to our house to see the Chaniya Choli. She also ate and then went. I read story books that Malay had got and put oil on my hair and then went to temple with Meeta Ben. Dharmesh, Janak and Bhavesh had come to ask if we were coming for the picnic, we said no and they went. I completed my Chemistry diagrams and it is already 12:00 at midnight and so Good Night.
21st December, 1982
Morning classes as usual. In morning I made up my mind to be hard-working. I don’t know why, but after Ketan Bhai said that I was very lazy and nobody liked to do anything for me because I didn’t seem happy at anything. I know now that (though it hurt me) that if I seem happy and like what is to be liked, people will like to do something (anything) for me.
After coming from my classes I had my bath and then I studied History. Then I went to school and did my Hindi Homework. Mary Ann came once and after seeing me ran away. I write all these details in my diary because I know that there are very less days of my school life. I know that I don’t know what I’m about to lose ( as people say)
English Miss gave homework. Biology was free. French Sir did Question-Answers. Then Recess. Nowadays Rupa doesn’t talk to Pournima and Geeta. Yesterday in the evening I saw her crying. She wouldn’t tell me the reason. I don’t like Geeta nowadays. Today for some reason she said that all Gujaratis are bad only. Math and Hindi teachers asked us to study. History also was taught. In Recess we went to Canteen. Even Mary Ann had come. I offered her my snack but she didn’t take. Today both Elsa and Bhumpi returned the money they had borrowed. Guddi gave me the money she had borrowed when we had gone to Gurmeet stored. We enjoy going there. Yesterday when we were leisurely walking, Miss Chandi said that she envied us as even in the evening we were walking so leisurely.
Tomorrow is our Christmas party in school and we’re not going to go. I may go to see a movie ‘’Bhavni Bhavai’ . Bhumpi is going to go to school and we want to buy a gift for her (as she had to exchange gifts in school) We took a compass Box with pencil and rubber. Then I went to temple and I met Neena who said, when talking about studies, that I’m sure to get 85% in board exams. I don’t know why but all feel as if I’m extra clever. I’m going to sleep at Guddi’s house. So long.
22nd December, 1982
I had gone to sleep at Bhavna’s house. We had decided to study. But till 11:00 we were talking and in the morning though the alarm rang at 4:00 we were sleeping soundly. That was end of learning. Then I came with Bhavna till the bus stop and as we had decided we did not go to school. At quarter to 10:00 we went to see ‘ Bhavni Bhavai’ a Gujrati movie at Sona theater. It was a beautiful movie. It was about the untouchables and how they were treated (as if they were something low) and the government was indirectly told that how they used to just sit and rule and how people used to suffer. Sometimes during the movie when they used to talk directly to us, I felt very bad (as they were criticizing the people) Many people had no effect. When I came out of the theater I was in a very thoughtful mood. In the afternoon, I washed my hairs (Meena Ben washed it) and then I went to bring cards for Hazel and Elsa-Elga of New Year. Then we went to Matunga to stay for three days (for Ketan Bhai’s marriage of course). I was happy to play with the three children. We went to sleep at Avanti (I am writing all this on 27th as I didn’t take my diary, of course)
23rd December, 1982
Today morning it was Ketan Bhai’s mandap Mahurat and so we got up at 6:00 and I wore Bhavna’s churidar. It looked good. At the Mandap Mahurat I enjoyed though there were some moments of mood. Meena Ben got her periods this morning only after 15 days and though there was no bleeding after that she didn’t come to the Mandap Mahurat. Yesterday there was a puzzle about that square thing where we have to make a full Donald Duck. Nobody was able to make it full and it was a wonder when I did it. I felt really happy and today I became perfect in it which made me feel that I’m depending too much on other’s words. I don’t have confidence ion myself but once I have somebody telling me that I can do that, I will be able to do that. By that I must learn that I should have confidence in myself and not depend too much on what other people say and that I must not be moody. I should do what I must and not depend on moods. After coming from Megh Mahal we met Rupal and Kalu told her to come and put Mehndi for us. She was most willing. I saw cricket and slept in the afternoon. The match was interesting. Kapil Dev was playing beautifully. India had suffered great loss after Gavaskar had become run out. Then Rupal came and put Mehndi. Karuna bosses around too much and orders me. I’m already feeling bad as she had acquired more experience than me though she is younger and now all feel as if I’m somebody just born and though I felt bad, I got the courage to work and so all went well.
24th December, 1982
Morning we got up, I removed my Mehndi, and I got nice colour. We had to go to Megh Mahal for lunch and so we got ready and went there. After eating we rested and then we were all up. Kalu wanted to make some programme for the evening and she asked Ajay Bhai to bring ‘Bezubaan’s ticket.
There were many sad facts of this day. First of all when Daxa Faiba wanted to fold a saree she first asked me then she said that I wouldn’t know and so she told Kalu to do it ( I should have known that this was a way of telling me that I’m not working hard)
Second of all when Harsha Ben was giving bath to Avani, and when she saw that Avani was sitting al by herself in the bucket, she came out to call Ajay Bhai and Meeta Ben but when she saw me, it was almost as if I wouldn’t do anything and she didn’t even call me to see (a warning that I was becoming a bore person and that I should try to multiply people’s joys and divide people’s trouble). I feel that by smiling at everyone I’m doing a great job, but really I’m just making people bored) People don’t like to go on smiling. I should talk and not smile.
Last of all Harsha Ben asked me to throw off Avani’s used diapers and I don’t know why(at present) but I was feeling very, very sad at that time.
But I soon forgot all and was happy. There are many things to do. At 6:00 we went to see ‘Bezubaan’. Though at first we hesitated whether we should go, we decided to go and we enjoyed the movie. It was about a girl who gives herself to a boy and who never returns to marry her and she marries some other boy and then one man blackmails her (for her deed) and she becomes Bezubaan (cannot talk). Once in the movie it was said that this life was to good to be lost by suicide. After we came home from the movie we enjoyed at Megh Mahal till 12:00. Varsha Bhabhi put Mehndi for my other hand and Kirti Fuva told me that if I spoke at least 5 sentences, he would give Harsha Ben 500 rupees. I didn’t say 5 sentences (It was not too smart)
25th December, 1982
The marriage at last. Morning all were busy washing their hairs and then we went to Megh Mahal from Avanti to eat and soon we came back to dress. All were busy. Meena Ben had gone to beauty Parlour and she didn’t like her hairstyle nor her make-up. I wore my Chaniya-Choli, put ‘parandi’ in my hairs, put lipstick, something for my cheeks and then one tika and I was ready. I looked nice. We went to Megh Mahal and from there to wadi. During the marriage I sat directly back to Ketan Bhai and saw all the doings. Then I went here and there meeting people. One relative said that everybody was attracted towards us three sisters. Karuna was looking good. Rupal had done good hairstyle to her. She had asked me but I said no. We four had made group. Once we went down where they were eating and we fed our stomachs. During reception we took our full family photo and everybody was laughing at the largeness. The marriage was beautiful and everybody enjoyed it. Jasmine bhabhi started crying everybody became serious and then she was ‘Walawani’ and she cried. Then we all went to Megh Mahal where the newly wed couple came and did what they had to do. Then we were in a hurry to come to Borivli and so we left for Avanti, from where daddy picked us up and we, along with Daxa faiba. Kirti Fuva, Nirvi and Hetal came to Borivli.
The couple was to go to Sea rock hotel and I felt very much thrilled at the thought of two hearts becoming one.
26th December, 1982
Today was Sunday. I got up late and I got ready fast and went for Maths classes. After I came, I met Bhavna’s(Guddi) father who was coming to our house for thanking daddy as Bhavna’s daddy was going to Muscat tomorrow morning. They came and went and then I saw Saptahiki and an English movie ‘Cup fever’ which was about a small team of football who tried all they could to practice football and then Government helped them and they won the game. I like the English movies because they are full of people who are hard-working and lively. Then we went to see ‘Log Kya Kahengi’ at Kailash Ben’s house as they had brought a friend’s video. It was a movie about how people spoil their lives as they are frightened about the reaction of people of their deed. Then we went to National Park where we enjoyed and then we went to Dwarka. Then we three sisters and Kirti Fuva went to market and we had fun talking to Kirti Fuva. I didn’t talk too much and I felt awkward. I should learn to talk to people. Then again we saw a second movie ‘ Do Disayen’ at Kailash Ben’s house. It was about a girl who as she sees her sister getting raped becomes mad and about another girl who is like the first one in looks and is mistaken as mother by the first one’s son. It was all very confusing.
No studying. I didn’t even think about my studies after my classes.
I phoned Rajul to wish her Happy Birthday and phoned Bhavna to know what she was doing tomorrow.
27th December, 1982
I got up at 7:30 and fast I got ready and went by auto to school. We had first Biology, then Physics and then French classes. We were left at 1:15 and I reached home at 1:45. In French classes, we had French test and I got 11 1/2 out of 22. I am not serious yet.
At home I enjoyed with Hetal and as they were going to go today, I didn’t bother to think of studying. I saw ‘ Humse Badhkar Kaun’ in video. It was the usual lost and found story. I simply wasted my time. Then I wrote in this diary till now and now I’ve already had my dinner and will sleep now. My head is paining.
My midi’s which I’d given at Parle have come and one is good while other is bad. So long.
28th December, 1982
Today morning I went for my Maths classes, then Biology and then Physics. I had told Manali that I would wait under P.L.’s house after tuition and then I forgot all about it. She waited and then had to come alone
I came home with Rajul-Bhavna and then ate and slept. I had Bhavna to come if she wanted to see video, but Kailash Ben had gone shopping with Meena Ben and so there was no movie. I slept soundly. Then at about 4:50, Bhavna woke me and we chatted as we usually do. We stood on the balcony. Then I went to Bhavna’s house and then came down to leave her Masi till the gate and again came back. Then I took Bhavna’s cods (for tour) and came home.
Minar and Malay were playing in the terrace and I went there and Bhakti who was standing on the 5th floor terrace talked sweetly and I enjoyed talking to her.
Mami’s house is getting coloured and as Meena Ben had gone there, even I went and found Mami, Meena and Sonal talking. We talked about the time when we will have to leave our house and go to somebody else’s house (after marriage). It was a sad feeling, though I still don’t feel so sad.
Then I went with Sonal to some medical store as she wanted a tube for her pimples. We didn’t get it and we raced home as we wanted to see Chhaya Geet. After that I drank Soda as my stomach pained and made our bags ready for going to tour. Then we got news that Praful bhai had put Boney M. cassette and so we went down. We didn’t find it so interesting (though the songs were lovely) and so ‘Johny, I love you’ was put on. It was usual drama. I felt like leaving it in the middle and go to study. But I let it drag on. I didn’t study at all today. I am not at all serious. I know that I’ll repent what I’m doing at present, at one day in my life (I’m repenting now)
Yesterday, I saw two girls going into our building and Manisha said that they were Mawali girls who used to run after boys. And can you guess to whose house they went? Yes, Bhavesh. I know now that he is a Chalu.
There was girl, who thought all were nice,
But there were incidents, which made her realize,
That bad people were bad, who didn’t know the secrets of happiness,
Who were selfish, and didn’t get love because of their selfishness,
She realized that good people were good, because they knew people who were good,
She realized that if people are loved, people are cared, people are realized by the world, then they can’t be
ANYTHING BUT GOOD!
She realized the three great words:
CONFIDENCE, AMBITION, HARD WORK
And she was the happiest gal of her stock.
29th December, 1982
Here is a poem which is written on my school board:
There are two things to worry about,
Whether you are well or you are sick,
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about,
But if you are sick, then there are only two things to worry about,
Whether you’ll get well or you’ll die,
If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about,
But if you die, then there are two things to worry about,
Whether you’ll for to heaven or you’ll go to hell,
If you go to heaven, then there is nothing to worry about,
But if you go to hell,
You’ll be so busy shaking hands with friends,
That You’ll have no time to worry.
Today morning I had 10:30 classes. I got up early in the morning and finished my English paper. It was slow work. Then I phoned Raji and asked her to wait near Ashirwad where I met her and we went to school. Minu gave me an invitation for her brother’s first Birthday at Goyal Shopping Center. I was glad (though inside I felt boring) I always feel boring to do things. Lazy Bone.
We had Physics and French classes. In French, Sir gave test on Grammar and I had got 6 out of 20. But I told Sir that I got 7 (there were many girls who copied, so I was better). Then I came home and Babita had come and we saw ‘Kashmir Ki Kali’ in video whose actors were Shammi and Sharmila. It was OK. Bhavna came in the ending. Then I went to buy vegetables with her and then as Kavita was playing Badmington, even I joined her and after some time we went to buy cake for Bunty and I enjoyed on the way. I was in a very good mood. Then when I came back home, I sat to do my studies. I started to do my English papers, but I felt real bored and so I couldn’t sit for long. I went to play with the magic cube. I can get one full side and two-two lines of four sides.
Then Malay told me that Mukta’s daddy had died and I felt very-very bad. Akash is their eldest brother and he is only in ninth grade. I hope God gives them courage. All of Akash’s friends were there and Leena was consoling Razia. Their mummy was sick and the doctor was called. A carpet of sadness had crept over our building and house. Then when we went to temple, I prayed for the family and then while coming I went to Kailash Ben’s house and I saw ‘E.T.’ It was a fantastic movie. It was about a spaceman who was left behind and who becomes attached to a small boy and becomes sick and is again taken home by his spaceship. The parting between the two was great and sent lumps in everybody’s throat. In the movie I saw how the boy’s mummy used to run around doing small work and it made me happy to see somebody active. I don’t know what’s keeping me from acting like that. I’m going to take a steam bath now for my cold. So long.
30th December, 1982
The day of departure at last. Today morning I went for my Maths classes. After coming I had my bath. They had taken Mukta’s daddy to the ceremonial and Akash had held his left leg (as eldest sons do) I didn’t see it as I had gone to the classes.
Then I was feeling very boring to do anything but I phoned Bhavna to ask her to come with me to buy a bra and to take my snaps for school. I had tried Bhavna’s pants and they fitted beautifully. I took my snaps and felt a little ashamed to ask for the Bra. I hope my snaps come nice.
Then I packed my bags and helped Meeta Ben to clean the fridge. Then we ate. Then I sat to do my Physics homework, but Meeta Ben asked me if I wanted to come to see the video as ‘Shriman Shrimati’ was going on there. I had seen the movie, but I went and saw it again. It was a nice movie telling us about today’s modern girls and boys who gorget shyness.
After the movie, I slept and when I got up I packed the baggages and got ready. I had to buy slip and change my bra so we are going to go out at present and so I won’t be meeting my diary till Monday morning (next year). I’ll enjoy and write a full account of my journey when I come back. So long