1st Jan 1984 (Sun)

Today Bhavna came but she didn’t phone till evening and I got all doubts about her.

Then there was a movie on tv ‘ek baar Kaho’. It was like all Rajshri movies an emotional movie about love. I liked it very much. And at the end I was very depressed knowing that I would never be able to enjoy those emotions.

Today, in the afternoon I thought about the operation (if ever there was one) And it was frightening thought not the operation but the rituals before that.

                                                       8th Jan 1984 (Sun)

We had gone to Gorai Beach for picnic about 25-30 of us. Bhavna had also come. It was fun. All Mama and Tiku Ben and Pankaj Bhai had come.

                                                       13th Jan 1984 (Fri)

I had my college day. I enjoyed. Mummy-Daddy had come to take me in the end.

                                                       14th Jan 1984 (sat)

It was ‘Kati Patang’ day. I went to Gautam Nagar terrace in the evening and miraculously enjoyed every moment.

                                                       19th Jan 1984 (Thu)

We won the cricket match against all colleges and the authorities had to give two days holidays.

                                                       21st Jan 1984 (Sat)

College is no more fun as rupali, Vidhya, go with Sangita and Sangita and I do not get along and I get an inferiority complex always and I will not give up till I’ve got rid of the feeling and won it.

                                                23rd Jan 1984 (Mon)

I went to Doctors house after college as I wanted to attend Neeta’s (Tina’s Mama’s daughter) wedding. I enjoyed at both places. Dipa was a good company. I saw Devyani’s album. Dipa’s friend came and both of them exchanged news and she went away.I was very much enchanted by this (as Dipa does not talk but talks with hands and lip talking) and it brightened me.

                                                26th Jan 1984 (Thu)

We played Housie in the terrace. It was fun.

We had gone to Matunga to celebrate Manan’s birthday.

                                                29th Jan 1984 (Sun)

              A Golden Day of my life

Really I enjoyed the most today. We(building) had gone for a picnic to Tulsi lake, OP and picnic point. I played and sang songs and enjoyed myself. I was always laughing. Bhavesh had even come. And I saw that many times he was staring at me. How I wish I could tell him that I’ll never be able to marry anyone. Yes, I do want to tell somebody, but whom?


30th Jan 1984 (Mon)

I dreamt of the beautiful moments of yesterday. I had my second paper of English today. It was OK.

                                                31st Jan 1984 (Tues)

Today there was complete ‘Bombay Bandh’ and the whole day, all shops and traffics were closed. It was a beautiful sight on the roads.

In the evening, when we went out for a stroll and to temple we only saw people everywhere and we wished there were these types of days every once in a year.

                                                10th Feb 1984 (Fri)

I was very-very happy today in this last gone days. I was happy in the morning and went with high hopes to college. Before going to college I had read Mills and Boons and after reading one of the love scenes, I was overcome with despair that I would never be able to experience those feelings. In college, I again had those feelings that I wanted to run as I didn’t have friends I like. Smruti had come down with us during first lecture. I hate Smruti. She is nice girl but she talks all boring talks and I do not enjoy her company. But she chitkaod to me. It was same thing in school with Raji. But Raji was much-much better company. Vidhya, Sangita, Roopali had left me. I was disgusted. While coming I had the only dream of being with Minu. I enjoy her company. But even she had gone early and I was real sad. But I felt much better out of college. And I tried to forget my troubles and be happy and I succeeded until I had a row with Meena Ben. And the Chhaya geet sang made me want to cry.

‘Teri Duniya mein dil lagta nahin, vapas bula le,

Mein kasht mein hoon rahi mujko e malik utha le’

‘Koi hamdam na raha, koi sahara na raha,

Hum kiseke na rahe, koi hamara na raha’


                                                12th Feb 1984 (Sun)

In the morning Mummy said that Anil Bhai asked Meena-Meeta to come to Bombay and he must have meant only two if I had not been such a weakling and started crying. I was looking forward for a Sunday out with the family. But it was not to be    . I did go to walkeshwar and woodlands. And did enjoy in one way. Ajay Bhai had come with Sanjay to have lunch.

                                                13th Feb 1984 (Mon)

Today was much better than expected. It had rained unexpectedly today. Many girls had not come to college. From our group only Sangita, Christine and myself. Christine went after one lecture and I was with Sangita for the day. She did pay attention to me because she didn’t have anybody else. But I had that inferior feeling and felt rather irritated with myself.

                                                15th Feb 1984 (Wed)

Today I had my periods. Then morning Tinki’s Hero’s cassette went behind the divider and till afternoon I tried to get it out.

I had gone for a walk with bhavna and in one of her sentence she said that she thought of me as something smaller as I don’t talk to boys as she does and it sent me thinking and feeling down in dumps. Though I know where I stand.

I read Ann Marie’s diary today and I had the feeling that I could be a great success if I tried and if only God gave me a chance.

We ate late and there were some vessels which Meeta Ben asked me if I would wash and I quiet boldly said ‘no’. It was shameful though I didn’t feel ashamed. I think that this is the attitude which holds me back from getting respect from others.

                                                17th Feb 1984 (Fri)

Tomorrow is Vidhya’s birthday. I didn’t know and when I knew I was wishing she would call me to her place though I didn’t like the idea. She didn’t call me. I’m thinking of putting aslight end to this friendship which is become a huge burden for me. I’m reading m&B and there is a character who changes acts. She knows a person and acts according to his likeness. She was a actor. And I think I’m somewhat similar. And I’m going to try to be my original self. Though I know its going to be pretty hard. But then not knowing yourself and always changing is also not my liking. I can only hope that god helps me.

I also learnt that I should do what I really want to do (by thinking) and let people who want to follow or accompany you, do so. You shouldn’t go out of your way as long as it isn’t necessary.

                                                       18th Feb 1984 (Sat)

Today was holiday and in the morning Varsha Bhabhi had come. It was fun. In the evening I was out with Bhavna. She is so clever. She makes friends she likes and she knows how to treat and keep them. I have to learn a lot from her. At night we went to ghatkopar and to Charu Ben’s place. Pooja was great fun.

                                                       19th Feb 1984 (sun)

I went to Matunga as there was Bapuji’s Pooja. I was a bit of what I say weak charactered for some time and some of relatives didn’t even wish me but I wasn’t lost. I decided to go on playing and there were some happy tunes by the end. After all I do want to be original.

                                                       Feb 22 1984 (wed)

It was Mummy’s birthday. We 3 houses had gone to Gokul.

Before that I came early home with Bhavna. We had gone to Dwarka and al lthe time I had the feeling that I was Kanjus and stupid. It was a horrible feeling. I paid for the bill. I always find myself doing that and that’s why I feel frightened going with friends to hotels. Though, I know that I must learn as much to give and take your part. God has given brains, then why not use it.

                                                       Feb 23rd 1984 (Fri)

I had worn Bhavna’s skirt-blouse and it looked just beautiful. We bunked first two lectures as BK miss told us to go out if wedo not have the problem.

I enjoyed myself down though it was damn boring at times. As I looked good and fresh, I could get the feeling that everybody wanted to talk to me. I told myself that it happens.

Then in the 3rd lecture Roopali said that I didn’t seem to have any bust line and I was flat and I should do something about it. I was just depressed by it. I felt very-very sad. I was wearing a petticoat and it must have seemed that way. But then there must be some weight in her talking and though I knew that my having breasts, no breasts did not make a difference, I was much, much depressed.

                                                       3rd Mar 1984 (sat)

Oh, I’m feeling damn damn depressed and just a few minutes before I was feeling as if I want to jalao jalao (as I always do and remain thin) and just die. It is such a boring life. Today Roopali and all showed little interest though I get used to it nowadays and don’t feel bad. But then when I was coming from Bhavna’s place, I saw Bhavesh coming in Riksha with somebody and I don’t exactly know but I felt that he was cleverly making the other fellow pay and I had the feeling that he was using cunning ways to patao me.

Then Bhavna said that a boy Kamlesh in next building was calling her and I envied her. He is a handsome fellow. And worst of all, I had that most discouraging thought of never being able to be loved or to love and it was enough to make me wince with pain and hope, hope fervently that I die soon. For I don’t know what I want to live for.

                                                8th March 1984 (Tue)

Bhumpi’s birthday. I went to temple early with her. In the evening I had gone to her place and there was a row between Guddi and her Ba and even Bhumpi and the atmosphere was tense. I felt bored. Bhavna was very out of character in her talks. I didn’t like the way she talked to her Ba. She said that her house bugs her and therefore she goes out as much as possible. While her granny feels she should stay at home and give her company.

                                                10th March 1984 (Sat)

Bhumpi had given us a treat at Dwarka and as we were there Bhavesh, Bankim, Vinod and another boy came there. It somewhat spoilt the mood. But I was happy and felt wanted when I came out of Dwarka.

                                                11th March 1984 (Mon)

I had gone with Bhavna to experts. Even Amit had come. He is good but reserved. He didn’t say bye while leaving and I was under tension as to the reason for it.

Bhavna went to her Masi’s place. She is also very eager to go to Muscat as soon as her exams get over. I felt that I’ll miss her very much. Though I don’t and it’s good. Our friendship is not on emotional basis. It is just that we have work from each other. It’s a matlabi world.

                                                14th March 1984 (Wed)

Nowadays everybody is throwing balloons at everybody or most summarisedly all small kids and mavali boys throwing at girls. Girls don’t shout and show their feminine character that is why. I wonder how this cowards are going to grow up. I got really bugged.

I have heard that in America they respect woman so much that they raise their caps when woman pass and in India people can’t wait to insult and make them low.

                                                15th March 1984 (Thu)

I remembered my diary once again today when I was depressed and very-very sad.

In the morning I was sad because Meeta Ben didn’t do work.

Then just now Meena Ben didn’t do work and was really bugged. They don’t do much wok and they are te ones tat get all the credit. All praises them and all. It’s a stupid – stupid world filled with crazy people (some of them, not all) There’s still hope. I made myself happy in the morning hoping and challenging myself to find the person whom I like.

Just before I wrote this, Minar came to me for some drawings and I was happy. I am happy in two minutes and next two minutes I’m sad. It’s a crazy world, isn’t it?

                                                17th March 1984 (Sat)

It was Holi and morning was full of fun. I went out ot play with Sonal and all and it was fun. I had my periods yesterday but I didn’t tell anybosy outside. My legs ache when I was outside. I saw Bhavesh making having fun with a small girl who wanted to colour him but he wouldn’t bend and I was somewhat turned by it. I even saw his face turning away when boys of Malati Ben’s place were throwing water and colours at me. We all slept in the afternoon exhausted.

                                                18th March 1984 (Sun)

We went to Sawarkundla’s programme ‘Melody Makers’ It was fun.

                                                19th March 1984 (Mon)

Today Manisha’s SSC exam started and as her center as at our school I went to leave her there with Bhavna. It was fun. We met sanjoo there and came back together.

Yesterday Samir had come to Gautam Nagar to fight with Harish and all as Harish is after Bhumpi and due to this Guddi-Bhumpi are having a rough time. There are tales of al kinds and peole are talking rubbish. It was all samir’s fault. He shouldn’t have come.

                                                20th March 1984 (Tue)

Saigita and damietta had come with Bhavna to study maths.

                                                21st March 1984 (Wed)

In the afternoon, Bhavesh had put on old songs very loudly (it could only be him) and one song ‘Koi Jab tumhara Hriday tod de’ very loudly and it touched me very much. And I started wondering whether he really loved me so much that even my disease wouldn’t matter. I wasn’t sure.

                                                22nd March 1984 (Thu)

Today he just put on one song ‘Age Bhi Jane na tu, peechi bhi jane na tu’ and I was sure that love was not real. He was getting eager. Though I shouldn’t make hasty decisions about such delicate matters.

And even I’m being matlabi. I didn’t like him when I had no disease and have no right to spoil his life.     

                                                23rd March 1984 (Fri)

Exam started.  I went to college wearing Kalu’s black midi and it looked very good.

                                                25th March 1984 (sun)

Rajul had come home and even Bhavna came and afternoon passed off quickly.

                                                26th March 1984(Mon)

When I was going to dehrasar the parijat boy (who has been following me through many days) came behind and even came inside the Dehrasar. I was very irritated though I don’t exactly know my feelings. He looks stupid and ugly and even in personality he is very weak. I saw him once getting shaken by a dog’s bark.

                                                28th March 1984 (wed)

Today Minu had come to study for tomorrows exam of maths and when we went down to leave her, I was talking to daddy and my eyes went to Bhavesh’s balcony on first floor and Gopal Bhai was watching me. I felt ashamed. The thought kept troubling me. I was calling Bhabhi from down andBhavesh came out and down and I felt that I was spoiling his life. He shouldn’t come after me andI felt that I was somewhat making him do it. It was a sad feeling. I must do my best in controlling my feelings and do what I must do and not what I want to.

                                                1st April 1984 (Sun)

I went to Matunga to meet daxa Faiba and family. It was fun to have 3 small babies to play with.

Malay said something like Vibha is not wanted and she is just in the house with no necessity (right in front of me to Kirti Fuva) and I was aghast though I just smiled. I should have bashed his head. I was very sad when I went to bed.

                                                2nd April 1984 (Mon)

Jasmine Bhabhi got a baby girl. We all went to see her. She is beautiful with much hair.

Then we came back home and then went to the fun fair of Bhatia’s as Rajul had taken part and Narottam Bhai was there.

                                                3rd April 1983 (Tue)

I went with Bhavna to her college.

                                                4th April 1983 (wed)    

Bhavna went to Muscat. That time I didn’t realize how much I would miss her. There is never a dull moment with Bhavna.

I went to see ‘Sparsh’. I was in good spirits and I realized when seeing another Meeta Ben’s friend who was very quiet that it is not good to be quiet. It was a good movie.
We had gone to Hansa Masi’s place in the evening and as usual I came with a complex feeling. We were talking about Guddi-Bhumpi. Vilas talked great about those boys. He said that the girls were bad to make the boys do it and at end it was concluded that boys were bad and even girls played a part in it.

                                                       5th April 1984 (Thu)

I was feeling bored and deep in downs at 7:00 in the morning. I wanted to do something extra. And all at once I got the idea of going to Ketan Bhai’s office. It would do me good to see many people and the busy mind will forget sorrows. I went and it was fun.

                                                       6th April 1984 (Fri)

There was a show of Heena Ben (no other way to describe it) to some boy of Borivli at our house.

                                                9th April 1984 (Mon)

I went to office again. But we were too many members.

                                                11th Feb 1984 (Wed)

Daxa Faiba and all came to stay. It was fun,fun all the way. In the evening I wore Tinu’s baggie and though it didn’t look good on a skinny like me, I wore it an enjoyed the feeling of modness,

                                                12th Feb 1984 (Thu)

Daxa faiba and all went and again bored.

                                                13th Feb 1984 (Fri)

I had my chums a bit early. Legs were paining in the morning. Why should I have them? They will not be able to reward me, will they? Then why? Why? Why?

                                                15th Feb 1984 (Sun)

 We went to Dehrasar in the morning today and I took a pony. With the result that I felt hot, very hot.

We went to see ‘A Stitch in time’. It was a nice movie. I met Sonali in the train and Vidhya at the theater. Both whom I like. It was fun.

                                                 16th Feb 1984 (Mon)

Today in the evening when I went  down I don’t know why but I was very happy and at the end I ended up with the feeling that I was a flirt.

I talk to boys on rare occasions though I occasionally smile at them just as I do with most girls. I like to make friends and feel satisfied that I know many people. But I think that sometimes there is a mis-thinking by people and matters are taken badly. Even I get the guilty feeling at times. But I’ll always try hard to think wisely and act so as to fight this. I should not do things which makes me feel guilty. Act wisely. This is your life and a life where you want to make good impression as it is short and the small affairs will take you nowhere except in the dark corner of your heart and deep in your dumps. Live proudly without the guilt feeling. Live wisely. Live happily.

                                                 April 23rd 1984 (Mon)

Kalu came today and it was a time pass with her. She is going to stay.

                                                25th April 1984 (wed)

Kalu was teasing me with Bhavesh. I enjoyed it. I’m playing a very dangerous game with him. But I show him that I don’t want him and then also he comes after me and I can’t help but like his trust. I’ve grown more thinner in this vacation as I just have to sit and my thoughts move always to my illness and my body burns.

I saw the movie ‘Asha Jyoti’ and in it there was a girl who said that a cancer patient doesn’t live after it gets vomit of blood. I wonder when that’ll happen to me.

                                                26th April 1984 (Thu)

We went to Matunga. It was fun. At start I felt Pushpa Kaki didn’t want me but end was good.

                                                27th April 1984 (Fri)

Hansa Faiba came. We went in the evening to the zoo with all children.

                                                28th April 1984 (Sat)

We saw Mr. Natwarlal and it was fun.

                                                29th April 1984 (Sun)

I came back at night after we went to Juhu and it was fun. I didn’t quite want to come here as in Matunga there were so many people and I was so busy thatI had no time for anything else while I’m sure I’ll feel bored stiff here with all such awful thoughts and memories and I had a good start when I came and Bhavesh was standing down. My thoughts troubled me and so did my soul. I’ve got nothing to do with him (I“ll remember that)

                                                30th April 1984 (Mon)

Yesterday night, when I was doing beds there was a problem of Malay changing and Bhabhi said that poor Vibha will have to take one more bed in the morning and told Malay to put the bed everyday. But daddy said ‘no’ why should he put? And I said why not, we’re not servants. He said that we are 3 of us and he shouldn’t do it. As if he was the prince, just sitting about the whole day reading books, playing and we —–

When I was at Matunga also seeing Nehal made me feel very, very sad for her and for myself. All acted as if she was extra. It is good that they don’t ill treat her. But for the first and second child there is a need, a excitement, a joy by parents. But the third child especially when girl, gets no such upbringing and you can’t blame thechild if she becomes the type I am.

Hearing Daddy’s words made me feel as if I was not needed and just there to work. I felt sad, very very sad.

And today morning found me in that dull mood. I burned, burned from inside thinking of the future. Nobody needs me. My parents don’t. Sisters and brother don’t. Bhavna doesn’t (Rajul came to give Bhavna’s daddy’s letter. There was no letter by bhavna in that. I was so eagerly waiting for it. Shit) Bhavesh needs me but I’ll be of no  help to him.

Nowadays I’ve grown more and more thin. And abovethat I have cold. My head pained, my body burned, my mind was in a whirlwind. I was bored with life. Before I used to manao myself that at least when I go out I can be happy seeing the glances and hearing comments but as I’ve grown thin I get very few and it ends up making me more sad. I try to be happy and be fat. But today was not a success. Tomorrow I’ll try. I hope I get luck. After all one can’t be happy but one can stop pitying oneself and burning by being busy terribly busy.

I went to school today for Bhumpi’s results. No fun.

                                                2nd May 1984 (Wed)

Yeah I got Bhavna’s letter and I was very very happy. I was literally flying. I  think she wrote it before her daddy’s but I got it late because of the post. I do jump to quick conclusions and feel sad. I should learn to have patience.

                                                3rd May 1984 (Thu)

I went by train to Palanpur. I was happy in the train. I looked good and had become a bit fatter and was a good feeling.

                                                4th May 1984 (Fri)

At 7:30 we reached Palanpur. I got a grand welcome. Tina’s friends were all good and above all Tina was great. She didn’t for once make me feel lonely. At the end of her marriage everybody was crying terribly except me. I don’t know why, but I just can’t cry even if I want to. I didn’t even feel so sad for Tina. After all she was a lucky girl for having you know what. Yes, what I miss and will always miss.

Tina’s friends were teasing her terribly in the afternoon and I enjoyed myself.

                                                5th May 1984 (Sat)

We went to meet Tina at her place. They just kissed each other at the night. Today night was their real first night. And when we left her today she was saying that stay here and I’ll tell you everything tomorrow. But I had to go.

                                                6th May 1984 (Sun)

Today was travelling time. I was bored stiff of the taxi. But I looked damn good in the red churidar. I could see that in everybody’s glances. It was great.

                                                7th May 1984 (Mon)

Today was Anil Bhai’s Jamanvar. Daxa Bhabhi’s sisters had come home. All my brothers liked the elder one Charu and they made fun. I made good friends with them. They were good. Tinu also gave good company.

In the night Mukesh was seeing everybody’s hands and I showed mine. He didn’t say anything about any illness. He said that I should have a long life. I shouldn’t have believed but it gave me a lot of happiness. He even said that I would have a peaceful life.

                                                8th May 1984 (Tue)

Today was usual. Nothing great. Though it was not boring. It was fun.

                                                9th May 1984 (wed)

Anil Bhai’s marriage. We went in the morning to Palitana. It was fun in the bus. The time passed qauickly.

The marriage was not so much fun. It was damn hot. We had lunch at 3:00 p.m.

Then we went to Sawar Kundla and met Kalu and all. It was a nice meeting.

                                                10th May 1984 (Thu)

I enjoyed myself with Kalu and Bhavin. We went to see our old house. Ours is not so big as Bhupat Kaka’s. Theirs was a big one.

While we were waiting for the ‘Varghoda’ of a girls diksha I saw a notice by Lions club on a pole about cancer. It said that it is 30% curable or at least less painful with cure. The signs were the knots, pain at the back and lessening of weight. All three signs are visible.

                                                       11th May 1984 (Fri)

Again at Bhavnagar. We went to Victoria Gardens. It was fun. Though I didn’t quite enjoy because of my chums.

                                                       13th May 1984 (Sun)

We reached Bombay by train. It was very very boring journey.

I went to Woodlands with all as it was daksha faiba’s wedding anniversary. I was tired and I knew from the start that I was mistaken in going. I didn’t at all enjoy myself.

                                                14th May 1984 (Mon)

From the morning I wasn’t feeling well. I was involved in self pity in the morning. I went to take my result in the afternoon. I passed with 52%. Minu is detained. She was feeling very sad. I felt sad for her.

I had fever when I came back. Though it was all over in the night. I couldn’t go to woodlands for Kailash Ben’s wedding anniversary party.

I’ve decide to go on with what life has in store for me without thinking much.

Our servant Rajni was telling Bhabhi that her husband was a sharabi and didn’t love her and she was thinking of divorce.

Our old servant Heera Ben also has some knot in her stomach and she feels she is going to die. Mummy advised her to be brave in mind or she would lose courage of body also.

A song:

‘Na koi umang hai, na koi tarang hai,

Meri Zindagi hai kya, ek kati patang hai,

Akash se giri mein ek baar kat ke aise,

Duniya ne phir na puchho loota hai mujko kaise,

Na kisika saath hai, na kisika sang hai.

Meri zindagi hai kya

Lag ke gale se apne babul ke main na roi,

Doli uthi yu jaise arthi uthi ho jaise’

                                                       17th May 1984 (Thu)

Meeta Ben went to Bangalore. I envied her. I would give anything to be in her place, at least now to go out with her best of friends. Only 3 of them are going to Bangalore (my best city). Oh, it would be heavenly. I want to go out. Far, far away.

When mummy-daddy came in the night they bought daxa faiba and I was very, very happy.

                                                       18th May 1984 (fri)

My day passed with the kids.

                                                20th May 1984 (Sun)

Kalu and all had come for lunch and they all went in the evening. Bhavin stayed while Kalu and her mummy went to her Mama’s place.


                                                21st May 1984 (Mon)

I had to go to the college to pay fees. I asked Minu if she would come with me. But she said she couldn’t and I at once remembered bhavna. She would always be ready to come. I really do miss her.

But fortunately, Kaka was going to keep Praful Bhai’s family to the airport and I went with them and it was not so boring. But I couldn’t pay my fees as I didn’t have daddy’s sign on the form and I had to come back all alone.

                                                22nd May 1984 (Tue)

       As Bhavin is there here, the days are not as boring as they used to be.

                                                23rd May 1984 (Wed)

Kalu came today and we went to the library in the evening and the day slipped off.

                                                24th May 1984 (Thu)

We went to college to pay the fees again and this time it got over pretty fast. Kalu had come with me.

                                                25th May 1984 (Fri)

NowadaysI have come up with a formula. I’ve made up many reasons such as foll. For becoming fat:-

i)There is no sorrow so much big as the sorrow of burning your body. Just be bindhas. If not that, don’t worry your pretty head about anything much. It’ll not help. Jut be satisfied always and become fat. What is going to happen is bound to happen. Whether you burn from inside or not. It is more bearable if you  do not burn.

ii) If I am healthy, then maybe my death would be less painful. So I should work hard and remain healthy.

iii) You’ll look good if you become fat for the sake of yourself and the people you love and for the people who love you it’ll be an extra treat.

iv) So don’t balav yourself. Just live wisely and you’ll have the happy ending of your life.

26th  May 1984(Sat)

I wrote a big letter to Bhavna and sent it through Rajul’s father.

                                                27th May 1984 (Sun)

We had gone to Mama’s place to have lunch and then we went to Masi’s house.

At night we had gone to nariman Point and I enjoyed myself. Whenever I used to feel lonely and left all alone, I dreamt of walking there with B______.

                                                29th May 1984 (Tue)

We came back from Masi’s place.

                                                30th May 1984 (wed)

Today was fun day. I was all alone. No Meena Ben. No Meeta Ben. I always reminded myself to play it cool and be fat.

                                                31st May 1984 (Thu)

Today we had gone to Matunga as it was Dolly Aunty’s engagement. It was damn fun.

We had bought video from Kanak Kaki’s place and I went to C Uncle as we couldn’t fit it properly. And he came from back and embraced me from behind. And he pushes my breast. I get very very angry to experience that. I don’t know exactly what he thinks when he does that. He did that once before also and I thought that I should never go there without reason and be always on my look out. But Kaka behaved afterwards and I thought maybe he won’t do that again and then again today. I really feel like banging is head. He’s a selfish creature. Stupid. I’ll never go there again for nothing. He may be having other reasons but I hate him for whatever reasons he has.

                                                       1st June 1984 (Fri)

Hansa Faiba came with us yesterday and the day passed happily. We had gone to National Park.

                                                       5th June 1984 (Tue)

Nowadays I don’t burn from inside. Before whenever something went wrong, some misfortune striked I used to burn from inside. It was like a bad habit and then I used to blame God and feel fed up with life and lose my temper and patience and burn more and more and become thin.

I have stopped burning, a bit at least. I know the habit will be hard  to go but I’ll try, try.

From this habil, the ‘h’ will go and ‘a bit’ will remain. Then ‘a’ will go and then also ‘bit’ will remain and when I’ll remove the ‘b’ ‘it’ will remain . (I read this in some book. I like it) But I’ll remove this ‘it’ also.

I’ll face my difficulties with courage not like a coward as I used to before, Then I’ll do lot of work and become healthy so that it’ll help me in the time of crisis.

I’ll never lose my temper. Always talk nicely to people. Be obedient. Don’t ever be lazy and above all, have fun. Don’t be the dull and dumb being. Have fun and make others happy.

Sometimes I feel frightened that I may forget all this things and become the same old self. But I keep telling myself to keep calm and do whatever that comes in your head and then face the consequences bravely. But never ,never burn from inside or feel disgusted with living. Life is full of lovely, lovely and different things. If you are hurt somewhere, there is somewhere else where you’ll get love. Never, Never lose hope.

                                                       7th June 1984 (Thu)

Yeah, my birthday. It was good. In the morning I got up early and went to the temple. I had taken one pony and I was feeling damn mod.

Then Kalu’s phone was there and Charu Ben’s. Ajay Bhai had called when I had gone to temple. I asked God to help in my resolutions:-

i) To develop all good characters. Try always to be good. Not only good bt wise and smart.

ii) To be healthy and become fat.

iii) Be satisfied always and thus be far away from boys. All ones.

 Narottam Bhai had got vegetable cake for me. Ajay Bhai sent a pen with Ketan Bhai. Mota Bhai sent money. Manisha bought sweets. Kailash Ben gave a jersey. Not a good one. But the most valuable gifts were cards from Bhavna and Hazel. I was very happy to receive them. I was waiting for it. And to end it all I wish I can repay all that people have done for me and I hope I get many such happy, happy birthday. Daddy gave me 101/- Rs.

                                                 9th June 1984 (Sat)     

Kalu came today in the morning and Ajay Bhai came in the evening. We saw ‘Teesri Manzil’ at night and it was fun. Ajay Bhai is good company.

We all were deciding about Kalu’s future. About what line she should take and which college. She wants to take Commerce and come to N.M. if she can.

                                                 11th June 1984 (Mon)

We saw Priti’s cassette. In the afternoon Meena Ben’s friends had come and Ila said I looked very delicate and even better than Meena Ben and I ws in the sky.

I saw Bhavesh in the cassette (as he is Priti’s cousin) and he remained somewhat away from everybody and I felt somewhat difference in him.

                                                 12th June 1984 (Tue)

Meena Kaki came today. It was fun. I had my periods and once Meena Kaki told Kruti not to touch me and she went about telling everybody not to touch me. It was fun.

Kalu went away. Rajul came in the evening.

                                                 13th June 1984 (Wed)

Today until afternoon it was fun. But then in the evening Lata Masi said something that Manisha liked Meena Ben better than Meeta Ben and I was very sad to hear it. I felt sad for Meeta Ben. She is not too successful. I just feel that way and I don’t like it.

Then I saw Premila Mami who just about chamchofies Mummy. I have the feeling that she feels somewhat inferior because they’re poorer and have the complex. I only wish I was far away from here.

Then Meena Ben, she is gone very proudy. She just wants everybody to think she is right and fights for it. She is good girl, no doubt. I like her. But sometimes she just gets on my nerves. I know even I’m spoiled and maybe envious. I’m even Ziddi but I’ll try to improve.

                                                        16th June 1984 (Sat)

Bhavna came today. It was good to see her again.

                                                 17th June 1984 (Sun)

I had gone out with Bhavna in the morning and then we had lunch at Mami’s place. Manisha’s SSC result had come today and I went to take it with her. She got 67%. Kalu got 68%. All English medium schools in Borivli got cent percent (nobody failed)

                                                 18th June 1984 (Mon)

Today morning I had gone with Bhavna to Don Bosco first and then to Gita’s place and then to Santacruz college for Meeta Ben. The Santacruz college is damn good. The place, area, light and airy. I liked the place. Meeta Ben is going to study dress designing there.

But whenever I go out I have this problem about money. I feel as if Bhavna is just cheating. She just does the saying. Give, I’ll pay. Give and rarely pays. Thata bad point. She is not kanjus but I think she is trying to face this world, wisely and even I’ve started thinking of it that way. Do everythuing wisely that’s my watchword. Another most important thing I never to burn from inside. Be brave. Face the world. If you’ve done something wrong, face the consequences. Don’t blane. You can do everything in the world that you like. Just have the big heart to take everything the world gives you.

                                                 20th June 1984 (Wed)

I had gone with Manisha for her admission. She didn’t get. Kalu almost got in N.M. we bought a fake dancing certificate.

                                                 21st June 1984 (Thu)

Jasmine Bhabhi and Varsha Babhi came today. It was fun.

                                                 22nd June 1984 (fri)

Time passes with Dhrasti. She is fun. A good time-past.

                                                 23rd June 1984 (sat)

Nowadays I’ve decided or rather made up my mind to have a big heart. Have a place for all, happiness and sadness. Never blame anyone else or feel fed up with life. God gives you happiness he has the right and reason for giving us sadness. Don’t blame anyone, in the least God for your unsuccess.

                                                 24th June 1984 (Sun)   

We had gone in the morning to ‘Neelam’ and in the evening to Observation Post. It was fun.

                                                 25th June 1984 (Mon)

Today morning Dadaji (Mummy’s father) died. Mummy took the phone and started crying. It was a real shock. Mobody had expected it. He was not at all sick. At night he talked to everyone and slept at 1:00 never to wake up.

Mummy and all Mama’s, 7 of them went by plane. I felt damn sad. If not sad, sorry.

Ketan Bhai and Jasmine Bhabhi and Dhrashti went today. They took the video.

                                                 26th June 1984 (Tue)

Today was ‘Sad di’ and all had come to Kanu Mama’s place. Even I went. Everbody was shocked.

                                                 2nd July 1984 (Mon)

College reopened today. I didn’t go to college because of rain.

                                                        3rd July 1984 (Tue)

Rain, Rain all the way.

                                                        4th July 1984 (Wed)

I went to college. I had worn Bhavna’s skirt blouse. It looked quite good. I made quite a good impression.

                                                        5th July 1984 (Thu)

A very bore day. I felt irritated or rather angry with Roopali, Sangita and all. They went down and didn’t even call me. As it is I don’t enjoy going to Canteen. I’m going to change company.

I had gone with Swati and her friends to eat Frankie and as I was very upset, I was acting somewhat foolish. I shouldn’t have gone first of all. And one of Swati’s frieds, how she talks. All high words and she doesn’t think before making a laugh of somebody. And I have already made a bad impression by acting silly many times before.

                                                        6th July 1984 (Fri)

I went to see ‘Saaransh’ with Gita and Bhavna. It was a fabulous movie.

                                                        7th July 1984 (sat)

I went with Ami ka group and I really enjoyed with them.

                                                        9th July 1984 (Mon)

Christine had come today and it was fun.

                                                10th July 1984 (Tue)

I got ready but got fever and so didn’t go to college and full day I was sleeping.

                                                 11th July 1984 (wed)

Fever was gone but weakness remained. In the vacation I had so happily become fat and now all is gone. But I’m going to remain happy and become fat. After all God made people to be happy, didn’t he?

                                                 12th July 1984 (Thu)

I went to college and it was fun with Ami and all. I hope our friendship grows.

                                                 7th Aug 1984 (Tue)

Today I got my last tooth removed. It pained terribly. I had come home with geeta and Roopa.

In the afternoon I slept and all water (lal) was coming out of my mouth (Mummy said). I don’t like it. I wonder how I can stop it.

I’m writing in my diary after many days. I’m enjoying college nowadays with my new group of Ami, Nisha, Hemal, Aparna, Jayshree, Smruti, Christine and all.

I’ve got some ideas to help me and all. It makes everybody happy. I’ve become smart. Thank God. Eg. Today mummy and all went to Appa ben (imported) and it was clear that they didn’t want me. I wanted to go. But I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to afterwards. I cried but soon I got over it and now I’m happy.

I remember my favourite things

And then I don’t feel so bad.

                                                 15th Aug 1984 (Wed)

We had gone to Linking road and then to Sea Rock. It was high but I had put oil and it was no help. I saw Anil Kapoor at Sea Rock.

                                                        20th Aug 1984(Mon)

I had worn my jeans and the top we bought from Linking Road. It looked smart. Then I went to Linking Road with Roopa, Geeta. They bought shoes.

                                                        21st Aug 1984 (Tue)

I went to get a  card for Malay but I didn’t get anything suitable so I didn’t get any.

                                                        22nd Aug 1984(wed)

It was Malay’s birthday. We had made veggie hamburgers for dinner.

                                                23rd Aug 1984 (Thu)

Our Padyushan started today. I went in the morning with Meena Ben and manisha to do Pooja. I had a good pious mood the whole day. I told myself that I shouldn’t think about anything seriously and try to conserve as much energy as I can. In the end my fast was a complete success. Meena Ben didn’t talk for the whole day. It was good. Priti didn’t know how to do Pratikaman (as she is going to get married in a Jain family). We taught her.

                                                       24th Aug 1984(Fri)

I went to do Pooja after having a good breakfast.

                                                        27th Aug 1984(Mon)

Daxa Faiba, Kirti Fuva and Dolly Ben did 8 days fast and Meena Ben went there. Nobody likes without Meena Ben. We’ll miss her. I envy her.

                                                        28th Aug 1984(Tue)

Sonal had done 8 days fast and we went with her and all guests to temple with band and all.

                                                        30th Aug 1984(thu)

Again today a fast. The day passed very fast with the pratikaman.

Every day I had done Pooja. I liked doing it.

                                                        31st Aug 1984(fri)

I didn’t go to college today as it was holiday and in the evening we went to Matunga to do ‘Michhami Dukkdam’. I had worn Guddi’s midi and it looked damn good. I could see it in everybody’s eyes.

In the morning I went to Sonal’s Parna. Then Bhavna came to tell that it was a holiday because of the talent contest.

                                                 Sept 3rd 1984 (Mon)

We went to see Anup Jalota’s programme sponsored by Deepa’s school. Deepa welcomed Anup Jalota. Jaya Bhaduri and Kalpana Iyer had also come. It was fun. Jasmine Bhabhi said that I was looking fine. While coming back I went to Matunga as there were one too many for the taxi.

                                                 4th Sept 1984 (Tue)

Today was a holiday in college and so I stayed at Matunga. I felt irritated with myself at times when I felt inferior. That’s a feeling that still troubles me.

                                                 5th Sept 1984 (wed)

Ajay Bhai had to go to Parle and he left me till my college and it was good. But I don’t feel free with anybody. I remained formal in the car. I should learn to be more free and hale and hearty at least with people you like or who are good.

                                                 7th Sept 1984 (Fri)

It was Bakri-Id  holiday.

                                                 8th Sept 1984 (Sat)

We went to Lonavla in the morning. We missed Meena Ben but it was great fun in the Metador which was occupied by all children. Praful Bhai’s, Chandrakant Kaka’s and Mahendra Kaka’s family came with us.

                                                 9th Sept 1984 (sun)

We had gone to Bushy Dam and we got wet there. It was fun. When we came back we didn’t know how the time passed. Time passes quickly when we are happy.

                                                       12th Sept 1984 (wed)

I had gone with Roopa, Geeta to Priya to do waxing and then we had Pav Bhaji and ice-cream at wai-Kiki. It was Rooopa’s birthday treat. It was on 1st Dec.

                                                        13th Sept 1984(Thu)

I didn’t go to college. In the evening we went to Bhaidas to see ‘Koi Bhit Thi Ayena Uttaro’ a guju drama. It was good. I enjoyed myself.

                                                        14th Sept 1984(fri)

I had my periods in the morning.

                                                        15th sept 1984(sat)

Today was blue and white day in college. Everybody in Junior college was in blue and white. There were some boys with ties and they looked damn smart.

                                                        18th Sept 1984(Tue)

Today was the most factful day in my life. Today they showed the movie ‘Prophecy’ in college. Then when we were returning Smruti and Kushala said that I was ‘matlabi’ and the most sad thing was that even I was convinced that I am that to some extent. I just don’t take life seriously. I think only about myself. I have made a big promise to improve myself to myself. I’ll do my best and I’ll at least accomplish something.

Then I had gone to Bhavna’s place and she gave me all the clothes she had taken of ours and told me to give the dhobi and take from him afterwards. She takes the dress and doesn’t even have the courtesy to iron them and she does everything so cunningly. And once or twice she has taken 10 Rs. and never returns it. She doesn’t give money for things we’ve bought for her and she’s damn cunning. I’ll try to slowly make less acquaintance with her if she goes on being this way. She’s taken me for granted and I don’t like it.

I have a lot to improve myself but at least I’m not cunning. I’m going to do what I want, behave nicely with everybody, be more with good people and try to be less     with bad and cunning ones. I have to myself gain lots of confidence to live nicely and not be attracted to cheap and bad enticements. Be respectful to everybody, think of others and thus ilve happy, healthy and wisely.

Meena Ben came back from Bangalore.

                                                       23rd Sept 1984(Sun)

Today was daddy’s birthday. In the morning Dilip Kumar and Malati Ben came to have lunch.

                                                24th Sept 1984(Mon)

Today was our Rose day. I knew that I wouldn’t get any but I had hoped and hoped that I would at least get one. But I didn’t. It was justified. I should have sent it to someone. I had no right to expect from someone, anyone if I hadn’t sent it. I was despaired but I have no one to blame but myself. Even at home I came and found that I was a big failure. I was just not interesting.  I should remember not to be lazy, do always what is right without any shame or inferiority or cowardness and be good to everybody and have a goal in life. I’m going to try damn hard. I’ll remember that:

“If the path gets easier, you aren’t climbing.”

                                                28th sept 1984 (Fri)

I went with Bhavna, Minu and family to Goyal. It was fun. I enjoyed every minute of it. There were two guys whom none of us knew who joined us. But they were decent and all went well.

                                               29th sept 1984(Sat)

We went to Matunga for playing dandia raas. It was not so good. But was fun to see the people playing. All had worn good clothes.

                                                4th Oct 1984(Thu)

Today was Dasseraa. Navratri was fininshed and I didn’t enjoy it so much as I had done years before.

                                                5th Oct 1984 (Fri)

Exam started.

                                                12th Oct 1984(Fri)

Eaxams were over at last. We all went to Wai Kiki.

                                                13th Oct 1984(Sat)

I had my periods in the morning. I couldn’r go to Jayshree’s place for Nived. We washed everything and time flew.

                                                24th Oct 1984(Wed)

Today was Diwali. We went to Pedhi and had our little fun. Then we went to ‘Status’ restaurant.

                                                25th Oct 1984(Thu)

Happy New Year day.

I had worn saree with Rajul and Bhavna. It was fun.

                                                29th Oct 1984(Mon)

Kalu came from Matunga.

                                                1st Nov 1984(Thu)

Today we had gone for a walk Simpoli side and then I told Kalu to go and see the Rangoli and I could quiet make out that she didn’t want to go with me. She wanted Meeta Ben. I got damn angry. Only later I realized that why should I. It’s her wish. Let her do anything she likes. You do what you like. Go out with people you like and who like you. Be smart and always do what is best and always be proud. Yeah, proud. Never lower yourself.

I was damn angry with Kalu. I was feeling damn inferior and I decided that I should find a suitable class or job or anything and keep myself busy. And above all always know your boundaries.

                                                2nd Nov 1984(Fri)

I came to Matunga with Kalu. I didn’t wish to but I came. I’m still angry at Kalu. Then at night when we had gone out to eat ice cream and to temple, Pushpa Kaki said to me that she wondered how I didn’t grow fat although I wasn’t bright as Kalu and as ambitious or as tedious as her. I got damn angry but as usual couldn’t say anything. I was damn disgusted. Not with myself but with her. I just controlled myself by saying that I could always do a job and make them change their attitudes and I sweared that I wouldrun in life Not go slowly and always be smart and answer back to stupid comments. She had no right to tell me al that. I cried at night while sleeping.

                                                       3rd Nov 1984(sat)

We saw 3’s co. It is a very good comedy serial. We saw ‘Andaz’. It was good.

                                                       4th Nov 1984(Sun)

Gone to Megh Mahal for lunch. It was fun. We saw ‘Three’s Company’ second part. It was damn fun.

                                                       5th Nov 1984(Mon)

I went to pay fees straight from Matunga. I met everyone there at college. I had worn jeans and it looked good. I felt mod.

                                                       8th Nov 1984(Thu)

I had gone to Rajul’s place in the evening and it was good to be with her. But her daddy gave me key chains and it was somewhat awkward.

I had my periods at night. Nowadays I get them early.

In the morning we had gone to National Park to do cycling. I fell once and my handle would go on turning. It was fun. There were eleven of us.

                                                       9th Nov 1984(Fri)

Today Meena Ben went to see her first boy ‘YOGESH’. She liked him. At night before they came, I cried a bit when I was all alone at home. Why do we have to be separated? I like her very much. She doesn’t make differences like Meeta Ben. I really will miss her. But I’ve decided to do the best in the oncoming days with Meena Ben.

I read the book ‘Loving’ by Danielle Steele. It is a good book about a girl who marries four times. But she couldn’t help it. She was good. I liked her character. In the starting there was a passage that said being ‘Real’ was when people like you as you are and it takes long and doesn’t happen to people who break easily and who have sharp edges and who have to be taken carefully care of. There was a passage in the novel that said that we should hold on to our dreams no matter what even if we have to die for it.  

                                               5th Dec 1984(wed)

Today Malati Ben’s marriage was written (English translation). Yesterday I was not called. Today I was. I somewhat felt irritated the whole day.

Then in the night Malay said something about I being different from the family and black sheep. I was damn irritated and mummy was shoulting at me because I was going to picnic tomorrow all alone from Borivli. I got very moody and itchy and cried the whole evening. I was very happy when I cam from college.

                                                6th Dec 1984(Thu)

                           MY CLASS PICNIC

It was OK. Morning got ready and went. I was first among the girls to reach there. We played many-many games. All possible games. I wasn’t very sporty. I didn’t try to win any. Everybody enjoyed playing the Frisbee I had taken.

Sometimes I felt bored and stupid. I was damn slow. I have to improve. Aparna was damn sporty and she even danced in the afternoon. She dances well. I think that if I had tried well I would have enjoyed it more. At the end legs were paining terribly and I felt damn lonely caming all alone from Malad. I was nicely tanned.

I should remember that I should be what I want to be. I should earn praises and respect not beg people for them.

                                                7th Dec 1984(Fri)

In college it was friendly reception. It was Parul’s birthday and she asked me to come to her place tomorrow. I didn’t know what to do.

Today was Lollipop day and I wasn’t expecting any. But I got one from ‘Biren’ (wonder who?) First I was sure it was geeta’s prank but she said hadn’t done it and that she wouldn’t spend 50ps. On it (this sentence made me thinking that I was cheap. But it was stupid) I wonder who that fellow is.

                                                        Dec 8th 1984(sat)

We went to college and came back. Rupa and friends asked me to come at Parul’s place as her car was going to leave us afterwards. I went but though it was good and all were friendly, I didn’t enjoy it. Parul has a wonderful place. But I didn’t know anyone well there and I felt out of place. I shouldn’t have gone at a party where I hardly know anyone. But it’s over now. By the time we came home it was 11:15. I came home last after leaving everybody in Parul’s jeep. I was damn frightened. I got my periods.

                                                       31st Dec 1984(Mon)

I wanted to go out on 31st night. But daddy said that there was too much rush everywhere and all was expensive so we had to do with a ‘shit’ programme on tv. I couldn’t bear to see the full programme so I slept before midnight.