14th Feb 1989(Tue)
Kundu at Bits gave me a Valentine card. I took it(as keepsake) but didn’t give him any other encouragements.
31st May 1989(Tue)
I have not made a new diary for ’89 so I’m writing here a year late.
But this days something is happening in my mind and I have to write it.
The guy I saw at Breach Candy asked us to wait for an answer and Jayshree also saw him afterwards. Even they haven’t said no to her. It is as if there is competition between us. The best part was when I said ‘All the best’ to her and she said ‘same to you’. Everything was so funny. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Last whole week I spend on jitters and now this. I don’t think I have a right to complain but I hope all this gets over fast with the best results.
Recently I promised myself never to get angry but patiently find our way out of difficulties and it pays off. At least nobody is harmed. Nor anybody nor myself. But one thing is for sure : YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR BEST.
I’m leaving my two month computer job at Dadar and don’t know what I’m going to do now. One thing is for sure, I promise not to waste my time.
21st July 1989(Thu)
My life is going from worst, good, very good, good, bad, to worst. I don’t know it is the cause of what but it is happening. And I feel damn insecure and non confident.
Recently two guys said ‘no’ to me. It is the worst thing that can happen to people. I guess our society is going from bad to worst with people especially boys not giving a damn about girls (even I said ‘no’ before but I was too ‘nadan’ – immature. I guess I’m paying for it) And the way I’ve been acting I don’t think even I do feel proud of myself.
I guess the only thing left for me now is to be myself. Plant myself firmly where I am and wait patiently and proudly for the guy. I guess it won’t be easy after all I’ve gone through but I guess it is good to remind myself that everything is in my hands. Better it or spoil it.
Recently I’ve been thinking of two things:
i)Suicide – but I firmly say ‘no’ cause I don’t think I have the courage. Nor I would like to mae bad the name of my family. And I want to see the bright morning which always comes after the dark nights and I’m confident that it will come.
ii) I want to run away somewhere. But there is no place I would like to go. Diksha is a thing but I wouldn’t like to preach and I don’t like the idea of staying with Maharaj’s (Jain monks). I would love to run away to Himalayas (sorry if I sound wild) But at present, I would give anything in the world to be able to roam at the Himalayas. But I guess that is not possible, especially because I am a girl.
iii)So, do the best possible way is to do my best over here itself. Never give up hope. You have a right to live happily over here as much as everybody else. So, do you best, love everybody and make everybody love you. Of course, everybody has to make sacrifices, consideration here and there but buck up, you can do it.
SELF – CONFIDENCE.
Please help.
List of boys I have seen:
i)Minu (Feb ’88)
ii)Rajan (Oct ’88)
iii)Tapan (Dec ’88)
iv) Bhavesh (Feb ’89)
v) Salot (June ’89)
vi) Sionwala (July ’89)
vii) Niki (Aug ’89)
viii) Wadalawala (Sep ’89)
ix) Aakash (Sept ’89)
x) Rakesh (Oct ’89)
xi) Fenil (Nov ’89) – Husband
23rd Nov 1989(Thu)
Got married to Fenil. Rush – Rush cause he had to got to US for his job.
Feb 1990
Came to US after second honeymoon at Italy where fenil met me. He came from US and I came from India and then we both came back to US.