1983

My Journey to Gujarat – Rajasthan

We went to the Borivli station. Narottam Bhai, Mahendra Bhai, Varsha Bhabhi, Appa Bhai, Kanu Mama, Yashwant Mama and Champak Mama had come to leave us. The train was 15 minutes late and we were shivering at the station. The train came and everybody drank tea that we had got and the journey started.

Everybody was trying to keep the mood of the journey.

I made up my mind to be very joyful (and that helped me in the full tour) We sang songs in the train. Ketan Bhai was in good mood (But he bossed over everybody showing Jasmine Bhabhi that he was great) But it was because of Ketan Bhai that we enjoyed (Ketan Bhai has respect for everybody) Then one by one all went to sleep and I went to see the ‘teen patti’ card game that the older people were playing. Charu Ben had great luck and once she even got 3 Ekkas(aces). Then even I went to sleep. At night I was shivering under my bed sheet. It was  very cold. I was not comfortable.

In the morning all got up early and everybody was greeting each other. Kirti Fuva was in mischievous mood and he removed air from everybody’s pillows. Meeta Ben woke up Hetal and she cried. But she felt comfortable in Meena Ben’s hand. Then when Ahmedabad came we all got down. Our relatives had come to greet us and one of them did ‘Sangh Pujan’. We had our breakfast outside the station and then we got inside the bus. In the bus we divided ourselves. All the youngsters in one bus and the others in second bus. Our bus had a table in the front seat and it remained a table for playing cards till the end.

We went to ‘Serisa’ and then to ‘Tarangaji’. On our way we sang songs and enjoyed ourselves. Only our family people took part. Others were not interested. In ‘Tarangaji’ there was a joint bathroom for ladies and I took my clothes and went to bath, I felt a bit shy but then I knew I will have to wash myself and I removed my clothes and with my bra and Meena Kaki’s chaniya, I had my bath and I changed into my new clothes for Puja. I finished my Puja fadt and then went down. I couldn’t find my bag. I roamed about ten times to the temple to our place and I still could not find it. At last I did get it and I changed into Bhavna’s pants. It fitted beautifully and it looked nice. I went to eat and the caterers who had come with us had made beautiful lunch. This was at 3 p.m. Then we all got inside the bus. I can’t remember exactly what we did. But then we went to ‘Kumbhariyaji’ and then in the bus we played and then slept. Sleeping in the bus was very uncomfortable. Then at exactly 12:00 we reached Ranakpur. We wished everybody a ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR’. As it was starting of a New Year ’83. Then when we got down, it was very cold. All were shivering. We got inside our rooms and changed. Somebody said there was a fine night snack and we went there. We came back and slept.

Next morning I got up early to play Badmington and Kirti Fuva, Malay and myself played. Then Bhupat Kaka came and he and Kirti Fuva played beautifully. Then I went to play with Hetal and then I brushed my teeth and ate breakfast and then went to have a both. There was a little too much water. Bandi in the baths and then also we had a bath. Some women were moving half-naked in the bathrooms. After bath we went to our rooms and then with Kalu, Meeta Ben we went to the temple. In the temple we did Puja of the ‘Mul Mayak’ (main God) and then we saw the beautiful temple. It is said to be very beautiful as there are 444 pillars in it. The pujari told us the history of the place. It was 5000 years ago. Then he took us to a small ‘bhoira’ (hidden room in basement) where the Murti’s were hid from the Muslims. Then we went back and changed our clothes and had lunch. I wore my cods and the top didn’t look very nice. After lunch we went for ‘Panch Tirthi’ We took all our baggages. During lunch many people did ‘Sangh Pujan’. We went first to ‘Sad – di’ and as I was getting down the driver took off the bus to the Petrol Pump and so few of us remained in the bus. The bus took 121 litres of petrol. When we came back the other people came and the Pujari had made them ‘Limbu Sharbat’. Then we went to some other place and then Muchala Mahavir. We went to many other temples whose names I cannot remember. In the bus we played the game about movies and then we had to decide one movie and member of the second group had to come and make his group people understand the name of the movie. It was a nice game. Then at night at about 12:30 we reached ‘Brahmanwada’ and we carried our baggages though we were shivering. Then we went inside our rooms and did the work of putting up beds. Jayesh Bhai and Bhavesh Bhai were taking two- two Gadlas together and I was wondering at their strength. Then we slept and got up early.

It was Mehul’s birthday and we wished him. We brushed and ate breakfast. Here also it was ‘Samuh Snan’ (group bath) and so Charu Ben, Harsha Ben, Kalu, Meeta Ben and myself had bath together. I didn’t do Puja here and straight wore my new frock. Then we prayed and together with Charu Ben, Harsh Ben, Jeetu Bhai, Kirti Fuva and Daxa Faiba we climbed the little hill and then came down in 15 minutes. It was beautiful scenery from top. It was Bhavesh’s birthday also and we rang 18 bells for him. Then we went to the eating room and I did ‘Sangh Pujan’ of many people and I even helped in serving the food. I liked doing it. Then we went to the bus and played the game for some time. But then we thought of playing ‘Lotto’ (Hoousie) and so Kalu and myself started giving tickets. Everybody was sporty. I had no luck. Deepa had  luck and she won twice in the first game. In ‘Mehsana’ we had a big break and after coming from the temple and after the big people had eaten and after the bus started we continued our housie game. Then after about 3 hours we reached Ahmedabad and we got down and I talked to Jalpa, Pankaj Bhai’s daughter. She is very smart and beautiful. At Ahmedabad, Raju Bhai asked me if I wanted to go to eat Pizza and as I said no, they went and I went with Ketan Bhai, Jasmine Bhabhi, Charu Ben, Jitu Bhai, Malay to Manek Chowk to eat Pav Bhaji. After that I ate ice cream and then we came back to the station.

Many relatives had come to meet us. Then as the train started we said ‘ Good Byes’ and Charu Ben made fun of many people. She had worn Meena Ben’s churidar and plaited two chotlis and she looked like a small girl. In the trainKaruna, Meena, Meeta, Varsha, Jasmine, Bhavna, Jayesh, Raju, Manoj, Bhavesh, and myself played judgement. First of all we (underlined six) were playing Chakdi. We had fun. Jayesh Bhai never cheated and he was proud of it. We didn’t like to leave the game but we had to and we slept.

In the morning we got ready to leave and when Borivli came we left everybody and a very-very gorgeous tour.

3^rd January, 1983

I came home and did a little Physics homework and then slept. I got up at 8:00 and then washed my hairs and got ready to go to school. It was a good feeling. I went to school and completed my Physics journal and went to the Physics lab with Swati’s and my journal. Miss was about to correct the journal’s and we mixed our’s with it. We missed getting late remark. Thank God.
Then in class we saw everybody’s snaps and our day passed with nothing special. Kala gave me her auto to fill and when I came home, I was busy doing that. At 8:00 we went to take our snaps and I got mine. It has come okay and Bhavna – Rajul didn’t get theirs as Sagar was closed. I came home and slept.

4^th January, 1983

I got up very late and very fast I got ready and went to my classes. I came back and completed my social service diary. Then I took an article for Social Service and went to school. We had English extra classes and Miss taught the poem ‘I sit alone’. It was about how people run from reality. She said that we should wait and face reality, instead of running away from it. It said that faith and love can make us happy in old age. In English period she completed the poem and gave questions. Bio was free. In French he shouted at us for not completing F. B. and maths was usual and other two free.

In Recess we went to Canteen and in Geography we were asked about Minerals. I was blank. Maths was again taught and Physics was free. The younger girls had their Leprosy check up and as we were to remove our clothes for them to have a look, many girls of my class are not coming tomorrow. In the bus, I asked Shama and 2 other girls to sing and then they tried to make me laugh. I was feeling great. Then at home as it was Meeta Ben’s birthday we went to Raj Mahal and then I did my French homework and slept.

Babita sent a big bouquet for Meeta Ben. It is beautiful.

5^th January, 1983

Morning, I sat to write my tour account in the diary. I was feeling boring and disturbed (because I was not studying). But I finished it. Then I sat to do my French homework. I packed my S.S article and then got ready to go to school. Today there was going to be a Leprosy check-up in our school and so I wore my petticoat. On reaching school I went to the library to finish my French homework. Raji and Manali joined me there. Manali had brought my auto book at last. She just scribbled something. Then we had assembly in our classes and in English period, Mrs. Cynthia didn’t come and so I wasted my time. I wanted to study but I didn’t know the best thing so I didn’t do anything (I never learn). I showed Maya M. some sums which she didn’t know. I asked many girls to write in my auto. I feel like giving it to everybody. In History period Miss completed the lesson and then in French, Sir corrected the homework.

In recess we just stood outside and talked about check-up. In Needle work period, there was a nice, new teacher and she told me to continue with my design a little longer. We have to give it next week and I have not even completed the back side and my preliums are coming closer every minute. Then in Hindi, Miss completed her last lesson for Preliums. Then after that Sister Albina came and asked us to remove our shoes and socks and form a line for the check-up. I was feeling very cold and a bit frightened. When my chance came I got a very horrid lady, who saw everything and twice or thrice she saw inside my knicker. I felt very irritated. Raji, Hazel, Dipali, and Caroline saw me and I quickly put on my skirt – blouse. Raji said that I was very fair and that for night my figure would be roaming near her eyes. I don’t know why but she feels great about my figure. Usual studies in Maths and Bio period. Then free period and then go home. I reached home and ate and then Mahendra Kaka had come to whom I served food as Mummy and my sisters had gone out and then I sat to do my homework, felt sleepy and slept.

8^th January, 1983

Miss Cynthia was teaching nowadays two poems ‘I sit Alone’ and ‘Spring and Fall’ and both poems told about the ‘death’ which everybody gets one day or other. The poets said that even if we are happy, the fear of death makes us unhappy and the fear of death is the root of all sadness; which can only be taken out by faith in God and love by our fellow beings. It made me happy and light.

Nowadays, we’re having many free periods in school and though our preliums are coming close, I’m not taking it serious enough and I fool with my friends. Nowadays, completing autos have become a common thing. My auto book is almost complete. I do not pay too much attention in Maths classes. I feel boring in the period.

On Thursday, I went to Minu’s brother’s birthday and I felt a bit awkward there. Rajul also was to come. But she told that she couldn’t do so and she asked us to take the present (with Bhumpi’s and mine money) and write her name on it. She fooled us. She is so kanjus. I felt very angry with her. I know that I also do not use money freely. But that is only because I don’t want to be made a fool of.

Today, when I and Bhavna came from school, we talked about Rajul and though I felt like the gossip – loving girls, I felt so angry with Rajul that I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to study in the afternoon. But once I slept I just didn’t feel like getting up. Our tour photos of Bhupat Kaka came and I saw them. They came out fine.

10^th January, 1983

My valuable holidays of sat-Sun have gone by with little use. All I did (useful) is my Geometry homework. I like to do something on my own and I don’t like to learn. Whenever I sit to learn, I feel sleepy or I feel like doing some work. Now there are 10 days left for my preliums and if I go on like this, I’ll end up in a ditch college. I’ll make a time-table for this week and go according to it. I’ll not waste my time in school and study in the free periods.

I see Aruna, who’s always busy, not only studying. She writes, then reads (Story books), completes autos and everytime she fools also and is extremely happy. I should learn something from her.

Nowadays Mummy is busy going to marriages and doing work. She knows now that instead of wasting our time in home by doing work slowly, we should do everything fast and do as much things as we can.

I learned that we should finish off everything we have to do now and then only we’ll be pregressing.

15^th January, 1983 (Saturday)

Today was a spoilt and then also nice day. I didn’t study anything. Yesterday, I didn’t go to school because I wanted to study but could not study anything except Geography’s first four lessons. Harsha Ben had come yesterday and I was busy playing with Avani. Yesterday, I felt somewhat like my old self, as if I was good for nothing and was a ‘bhodu ram’ In the morning I felt like crying for some reason and I felt as if I was not fit for anything and then I remembered the time I was enjoying myself in school the day before and that was the thought which gave me great courage. I felt very happy.

On last Wednesday, we had Principal’s day i.e. we celebrated it and we had to go in coloured clothes. I didn’t go because of studying and I missed a beautiful performance. I regretted it afterwards. But on this day I had made a time table and I could study beautifully and as well do the other work.

On Thursday, though the other girls told me not to go as the teachers were having seminar, I went only to find that half the class girls were absent. When the captains went to ask sister to send us home, she wouldn’t do that but she allowed us to rome and sit anywhere we wanted to study. I roamed with Kala and Shobha for a long while without studying and I had hardly studied two poems that Minu asked me to explain one poems to her and that was the starting of fooling. We didn’t study anything after that. Once Bhavna, as she was trying to jump from one ‘Otla’ to another she fell down and she was badly wounded. We didn’t know how serious it would be, for her leg was swollen and she had to go to sister for medicine and sisters made a big fuss about it and so while going home I went straight with Bhavna to the doctor and Bhumpi went to call her mummy. The doctor said that she would have to remove X-Ray and a nerve was broken. Her full leg is swollen and I feel very sad when I see the doctor cleaning her wound. She is brave.

I’m not studying anything and I’m starting to get afraid. I shouldn’t be wasting time now so I’m studying. So long.

16^th January, 1983 (Sunday)

I tried to study hard today but my mind was somewhere else. I played with Avani. She went and the house was lonely. I studied Biology today (only 3 lessons) Wastage of Sunday.

On Thursday after the seminar we had a throw ball match. Teacher v/s S.S.C. students. Mrs. Hyma, Chandi, Raji, Principal, Chetna, Varunny and three of new teachers were playing the game. They had a wonderful time. When I told Meeta Ben about it, she asked me if I was among the girls which were playing. Of course I was not and she knew it. Though I felt very angry at her and thought that she told me that just because she wanted to hurt me. But now I feel that she told me that to tell me that we should take part in everything. We should enjoy everything. Meena Ben was a leading girl in her school and Meeta Ben also took part in all extra curricular activities. Only I am the odd one. I felt that we should be only best in one field. But now I know that I was wrong as we have to know and find out about everything though we should choose one.

When people used to talk about old customs, I felt that they are just stupid and I didn’t bother to listen. But now I should listen and try to find out the wrong and the right in it. I should know all the customs and all the relatives and then take considerable steps as to what I like. I’m sure this will make me a better person in the world.

(Meena – Meeta) ben are very popular in Borivli and it is because of (I don’t know). But it could be because they know what they want and they try exactly for that thing and they don’t wish for anything nor are they tempted to do anything wrong eg. Meena Ben has many well-wishers. But she wants a good husband. I should try to be like them. I should not make fool of others and should respect all  as I want them to respect me.

If others tell me something that hurts me, I should think about it in the right manner and never jump to wrong conclusions. I’ll study. So long.

18^th January, 1983 (Tuesday)

Yesterday I went to school and simply wasted my time (though I did many works) So I decided not to go today and I didn’t.

Today when I was coming from my tuitions and I got inside the bus, there was a stupid fellow standing near the entrance and he touched me and said that he felt nice and I got very, very angry. But I didn’t have the guts to say anything and I just walked in front. The people standing also didn’t say anything and one or two fooled with him. I was disgusted with life (after I had made my decision to live without getting disgusted)

Now I know that there is no God and if he is there then he is not just. How can he make such a big difference between man and woman. Men do all the bad things and then also they live happily. And women are rarely bad and they have to deserve all the stupidness of males. Unjust, pure unjust.

Today whole day that scene and that only thought roamed in my mind and I couln’t study anything special. There are only two days left and I didn’t study anything. I’m disgusted with myself. After the horror I was disgusted because I should have shown the man proper instead of just running away from him. But if I had, would it have been proper  _ _ _ _. After all it is an unjust world of a not so justful person (I’m so disgusted that I can’t blame anyone but the maker for making this world and its stupid people) I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll live bravely, Of course. I hope somebody in heaven is faithful. Or is there any heaven at all?

21^st January, 1983

Yes, our preliums have started and I have already given 4 papers. They were all OK.

Today in the morning I was feeling that how pleasant it would be when I had given my S.S.C. board exams and I would be free. But now I’m feeling very boring. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel happy in doing anything. (Because nowadays though Meeta Ben works and is happy all at once  today mummy told her that she was good for nothing and I felt a deep sinking in my heart) In this world people are _ _ _ _(I can’t express) Nowadays I’m behaving all too awkwardly. It had been a problem long back that I smile at everyone, all too suddenly as if I didn’t want to but do it because of making them like (love) me. But I make nobody happy. I may be making them sad.

Jigar, though he’s so small knows how to recognize people. On Saturday when Pankti had come to play here, he at once hated her and during Ketan Bhai’s marriage he took a first- look liking for Hetal. Nowadays, he doesn’t like me, as a matter of fact doesn’t trust me, as Hetal did (when I used to fool with them and worry them). It has become a bad habit with m e to fool with everyone and today Mummy said that I would always find some fault in everything. If not this way then that. She said that I was hard to please. But that is (the fooling) is the only way I find happiness, I don’t feel inferior and now I don’t know what to do. Even when I go out, I feel inferior and I’m sure that I may do something wrong that’ll make people feel that I’m inferior and so I feel awkward everywhere I go. This is making me a rather boring person in eyes of myself. Even I don’t know what I’m writing but I feel light about all life now. I’ve become a problem to myself because I doubt everything people say and in all I feel as if they want to make me sad and then I feel sad. It is a sad feeling but I don’t know why I do that. Please can anybody tell me?

Yes, I can guess. I’m feeling inferior because people have made me feel so from the day I knew what life was? What I was? But then this life is mine and nobody can make it boring by telling me wrong things. I’ll go on improving and become a perfect girl and FULFIL MY AMBITIONS.

29^th January, 1983 (Friday)

My preliums are over at last. They were over yesterday and yesterday I had to do my packing of needle work articles. I did it beautifully. I have given my articles (cushion cover  incomplete) and we did some pre-work for my World of Work article (We are making brooms)

On Sat-Sun, I studied very little and after that Chemistry – Hindi exam were OK. In History-Geography I hardly touched my text book(I hope I pass). Then on Wednesday (26^th Jan) we had a fancy dress competition in the terrace (It was our idea) Malay got a prize for scarecrow. We enjoyed ourselves I wanted to get full marks in Maths. But I didn’t know many sums (How could I after fooling for all time)

Today I read a part of book about being an optimist. I know that I am a pessimist. I hope I have learnt something from it. They said that pessimists are filled with moody and inferiority and that optimists have the characters of “Alertness, Intelligence and will power”  There was one beautiful verse “ The best way to avoid mistakes is by experience and the best way for experience is by mistakes”

31^st January, 1983

I see a bright future for myself. I have made up my mind that till my board exam, I’ll study very hard. Though I’ll have time till then for other activities, I’ll see to that, that I never waste my time, stupidly. Everyday, I’ll not sleep in the afternoon, but study. Everyday study time will be more than 10 hours. I have very little time.

Then after my board exams, during the long vacation, I’ll join some classes. Bhavna was telling yesterday that we’ll do operating classes and then after B.Com., we’ll do typing classes. During college, I’ll not become like the other girls who waste their time, roaming. I know that I’ll be happy only when I’m busy. So, I’ll go doing some diploma courses with my college.

Then after college, according to the result of my classes, I’m sure I’ll find some job in this big world and I’ll settle down for a good job. I’ll see to it that I’m fit for the job I take.

Then I’m sure others will think of marriage. But only if I’m very eager to do that (as girls say that when we become big we can’t stay alone)

But if I marry, I’ll have to give myself up to my husband and dance according to his wishes. If I marry I’ll be like Kailash Ben. Always busy and bold.

If I don’t marry I’ll have to become very bold in this world of foxes (I’m sure I’ll learn that when I go to college)

I’ll not fix eyes on any boys. Most boys don’t think girls as equal as them and they don’t understand them. It is better not to marry and to give a small contribution to this over-populated world than to marry and have a blank life.

I’m sure that with alertness, intelligence, and tremendous will power, I’ll fulfil my ambitions. (If I don’t, I’ll have to be the old Vibha, who isn’t needed even  for herself) I’ll not be lazy. I’ll do something useful for every moment possible and thus become successful.

Yesterday there was a movie ‘Kitaab’ in which a small boy didn’t like to study (One more thing in my life dream – Is that I’ll not go on smiling at people who do not want to do that to me. I ‘ll not be ‘Bechara Bhala Aadmi’. I’ll be alert and active to see through the people who try to fool me) He wanted to see the world and he goes out alone. He feels that nobody needs him and he wants to become big so everybody’ll need him. It was a nice movie. Then I had gone to Vanita Mami’s house and there they didn’t need me (though it was due to me, only) But why should I do (talk) when I don’t want to. I talk so much with my friends, but I don’t feel like talking with my relatives (usually because they always tell me I’m quite, quite) and then they make me really quite. But I won’t pay attention to useless talks, but I’ll hear their remarks about me and try to bring out the best in me from their talks and fulfil my ambitions.

1^st February, 1983 (Monday)

Yesterday was a waste nut nice day. In school we made broom of coconut leaves for world of work. I felt nice working with the other girls.

Then we had needle work exam during which I did knitting. It came out beautifully. I came to know my Physics and Biology marks. Both I got 65% marks. I was happy though not satisfied.

Then we came home and I asked Manisha if we could go to see ‘Masoom’. And all at once we got ready and went. It was beautiful, very, very beautiful. It was a movie about a family with mother, father and two sweet daughters. The father had had an night with other girl and she had given birth to a beautiful son. The son was brought to the family and slowly he won the hearts of the full family. The family was shown beautiful. The wife (Shabana Azmi) was an active lady and loving one. In the picture they showed love though they fought. It was just natural and beautiful. All the three child artists were good.

Then I came home and saw ‘Vidhaata’ in nichewala’s (neighbours) video. It was OK after the beautiful natural movie ‘MASOOM’

7^th February, 1983

The next day after seeing the movie, the scenes of ‘Masoom’ used to roam in my mind. The child artist Jugal, Urmila and Aradhana were just too sweet to forget. I forced Meena Ben – Meeta Ben to go and they liked it tremendously. They both, especially Meena Ben had their eyes swollen (crying)

On Friday we had sports in our school. Like Asiad, at first the torch was lighted and then the games started. First March past and then all the sports. Two of the girls became very famous stars.

On Saturday morning, I had classes and then I tried to study hard. I’ll have to study hard now as only 40 days are left. Otherwise, I’ll have to sit to repent. But why should I repent when I have so much time. I’ll study hard.

Guddi’s mummy said that we should be good at everything. We should not give a chance to people to say anything against us. In Sunday’s movie ‘ Ittefaq’ once it was said that we hate each other because we are afraid of one another.

Today we had practicals and both in Chemistry and Physics, I got ‘C’ grade.Biology was better. When I got Chemistry – Physics papers Raji asked me how I got such good marks in theory and why I was nill in procticals. Even I don’t know exactly why?

Tomorrow we have Recollection and on Wednesday we ‘X’ standard students are going to show ‘Parvarish’ to other students. Then I’ll study. Best of Luck to me.

8^th February, 1983 (Tuesday)

Today we had recollection. When I went for it I didn’t have any idea what it was. But I knew afterwards that it was a lecture by some father. It was boring. During one session we bunked and helped Miss Raji in arranging the papers and in writing marks. She was free with us. We asked her if she liked our school better than hers and she said that she didn’t enjoy so much here as she did in her old school. She asked us if we liked her classes and we didn’t say lies nor did we say the sad truth.

In recess, I ate from Bhavna’s, Rajul’s, and Chandra’s tiffin. Bhavna had told me that she would bring extra for me. After the session father asked if I had a true friend (each one of us) and though I and Bhavna didn’t tell we could guess who were each one of our best friends. (We both talked about the cunningness of Rajul in taking advantage of our spending money easily) I simply wasted my day today. I should have studied.

On coming home I had a row with Malay (he is so selfish, he doesn’t think of anybody about eating and I feel quite annoyed)

10^th February, 1983 (Thursday)

Yesterday I had gone to see ‘Parvarish’ in school. When we reached there, I saw my history marks. Mrs. Maxfield was eager to know my marks. When she saw that I got just passing marks, she asked me if that was enough. She had been my VI standard class teacher and she knows that I can get better marks. Then we went to see the movie with the 2^nd session. We were to see in the 3^rd session. But we saw twice from after the interval. Sister Principal didn’t show the ending to the 3^rd group. It was 8:00 when we left. We came home and saw Chhaya Geet.

Today I did one Geometry paper. I didn’t know 4-5 sums which I’ll ask Miss.

Nowadays we are making furniture for other rooms (excluding Drawing room) and daddy openly told Mummy, that her opinion will not hold good. He consults Meena – Meeta.

Mummy tries to have opinion like them. But her opinions are never treated with respect. I feel so sad for mummy. Why do some people have the special points? I think that I know how mummy must be feeling for I somehow come under her category. Nobody respects me, nor does anybody think great of me. I’m just a timid girl. But no, I’ll not let that be. I’m not bound by any bounds. Then why should I feel sad. If this thing (disrespect for me) goes on, I’ll not marry. I can live alone with my ambitions and my hard work. Remember Alertness, Intelligence and Will Power.

I should not feel myself bound to any person. If someone tells you that you are good, you should not become too good, but intelligently and alertly find out if your situation made you do that way or you did that way to be good. You should never be good. You should be wise. Do not act goody-goody act wisy-wisy

14^th February, 1983 (Monday)

Now, only 5 days of school life left. I’ll enjoy every moment of 8 hours in the day of school.

On Friday, I had gone for Physics tuitions, after that I came home and made a time-table to study one subject every two days. I started with Geography. But I couldn’t study very well. Bhavna came for Geometric constructions in the afternoon. Then in the evening we went to their ‘Mandir’ and then went to our Mandir. I had worn Meeta Ben’s midi. And everybody said that it looked fine on me. At night we decided to go to Matunga on Saturday. And on Saturday after my Maths classes I went to Matunga with Meena Ben. I enjoyed there very much. In Megh Mahal the atmosphere is very nice. Everybody is happy, laughing and making everybody gay. We went to Chanda Kaka’s house, where we saw Avani’s baby shower in their video. It was fine. Then on Sunday we came back home and then saw movie and then went to Sitaram Pav Bhaji wala. I felt gay and happy.

Once Reshma had said thatwhy do girls want to act like boys. If god has made them girls. They should be girls, why simply do otherwise. It touched me.

Nowadays Bhavna doesn’t study so much. She feels boring. I tell her to study and she tells me that she doesn’t want to. But her mummy-daddy are having big hopes of her. I’ll try to make her understand. She understands and I think she has started studying but she is not too serious.

Of these five days in school, I’ll write everything I do in shool in detail. So long, I’m going to school.

18^th February, 1983

Yes, a part of my life is over. School life is over. Today during many moments I used to feel awkward during my school. To leave everything. I could see the things of my life which I’ll be missing. Oh! If life could be same.

From Monday onward, I went to school. The other classes had exams and so we were left early. On Monday, I came by school bus, but other days because the teachers took extra classes, we had to stay for some time. Mrs. Cynthia was at the best trying to advise us. She knew about Jayshree M., who used to run about with her school uniform and roam with a boy. She had the guts to come to (near) the school, with her boyfriend. Raji went and told Mrs. Cynthia about Manali, who it seems is not a good company and her mother encourages her to go to a rich boy. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know what Mrs. Cynthia will do.

In school, we all the girls were busy writing autographs. It was just busy-busy-auto writing. I drew drawing for many girls and it did come out fine.

I sat with Raji on the last bench and we tried to do sums together. She asked me many sums. And I also showed her. Shhee! I’ll miss all.

I have my autos in my book and I’ll preserve it all the while. In my silent times, I’ll remember all.

Today in the morning we had a small farewell with Mrs. Cynthia. We didn’t know how to start. Sonal started by giving her a rose and then Maya read a farewell poem (which I wrote a copy of) and then Jaon sang a song. We urged Mrs. Cynthia to sing and she did sing. It was all very touching.

Then one by one all teachers came and asked us to study hard. Mrs. Cynthia said that she’ll be grateful when someday we meet her and give her a cheerful HI! Or smile. All teachers were fine and I’ll see to it that they do not feel sad when they see my report.

Then I came home with Thereza, Raji, Hazel and Kushala and thus landed home, leaving a lot behind me. I hope I treasure all memories in my future life.

P.S. Maya wrote poetry for me.

20^th February, 1983

I’ve been neglecting my studies lately. I don’t know why, but I’ll study now. Just 27 days left. The thought is frightening.

Yesterday I thought of making notes of everything I wrote (summary) and I did start it in history. I hope I go on with the idea. It’ll be nice.

Yesterday night I went to see ‘Nikaah’ with Manisha and Chandu Kaka. It was a nice movie about a girl (Salma Agha) who marries a man (Deepak Parasher). He wants to make her very happy and in the job he isn’t able to give his wife mental peace. He gives her Talaq (divorce). Then she marries another man (Raj Babbar) who loved her and is very happy with him. Then again this second one thinks that she would be happy with first husband and he tries to leave her. The girl at last breaks up and talks about what she has to do. Was she just a toy for boys? Yes, it was a fine movie.

Today in the TV, there was a movie ‘ Chameli Memsaab’ Tom Alter was a Britisher (It was a movie based on British rule) who likes an Indian girl and marries her (both of then sacrificing many things) and the girl gets leprosy and she had to be far from her child. She is not told why (the reason). She suicides and people think the British killed her. Tom Alter really loved the girl. It was moving.

Yesterday I had my periods. I felt very boring today. It is all so boring but it’s OK. I have to do something than nothing.

21^st February, 1983 (Monday)

I’m starting to write in this new diary. I’ll be able to control my writing long notes and I’ll be eager to write everyday.

Today also it was less work and more play. In the morning I wanted to learn Hindi. I took out my books and started studying. Because of the carpenters I went to Lata Masi’s house to study. Then I started studying chemistry and I read one – two lessons.

In the evening Usha Ben and Hira Ben were fighting and I went with Manisha down to cycle. I cycled well but I felt a bit too shy when the boys were looking. I called Bhavna and she also came and Bina also came. When I went to leave Bhavna I met Shubala, Vaishali and Kuntal who were coming back from their school send-off. We have our school send-off tomorrow. Then we went out to roam in Kailash Ben’s new car, drank ‘Jal-Jira’ and came back.

22^nd February, 1983 (Tuesday) – FAREWELL PARTY DAY

Today was not as good as expected. I wanted to get up early but my laziness stopped me. I got up at 6:00, got ready and studied for 15 minutes. Then for Maths classes and back home. I washed my hairs and Meena Ben straightened my hairs. She did a beautiful job in painting my dupatta. Today, both (Meena Ben and Meeta Ben) were helpful in making me ready.

Then I got ready. Bhavna came early to my house. She had brought the camera. I was going to take one pony tail but Mummy said I would get ‘nazar’ and so I took one Chotla. Then we reached school by school bus and we reached just when sister started the prayers. After prayers they did ‘Anpadh Patni’, ‘Tribal Dance’, and ‘Saptahiki’  Then there were prizes for longest nails, thickest eyebrows, and highest heels. Narifa was looking beautiful. Though she did not got prize for Marian beauty. Then we had flame of knowledge. Then we were sent home. Bhavna, Rajul and myself got down at Sodawala Lane, went to Raj Mahal (full) so we drank sugar cane juice and came home.

23^rd February, 1983 (Wednesday)

Today was study-study. I had worn my P.T. uniform blouse and blue skirt at home. Bhavna had come to study. She had slept here yesterday. I had a row with Meena Ben in the morning. She is always commenting on everything I do. She always feels that whatever she does is right. Why she had to bother about where I want to study. We went to Lata Masi’s house and then studied home. Though we had got up at 7:00, we slept in the afternoon. I went to Bhavna’s house as they had Satyanarrayan Puja and came back soon. Kali had come with me. I asked Manisha but she said she had homework but she was ready to go down for cycling. Just now, when Meeta Benn came from Babita’s house, she said that Dipal was studying very hard and he knew every word of T.B. Then they said that all (members of my house) used to tell everybody that I’m studying very hard. Everybody feels that I’m very book-worm. I do not like it. But it is good, no? It is better to have people think of you as something, if nothing. I’ll not make them change their opinion i.e. not till my SSC results. Then I’ll do Toba-Toba with books. I’ll do all curricular activities. If I’ll not get admission in N.M., I’ll go to Sophia.

25^th February, 1983 (Friday)

Now only 20 days are left for exams. I have been making a new diary and I used to write in that but today there is something special I want to write.

Today morning I went to classes then when I came back I wanted to study French but I felt bored and did Maths papers. Then ate and read papers. Then I sat to study French (do peper). Then in the evening Bhavna came and I couldn’t study much after that. I went to bring milk. Then I went with to Bhavna’s house and then I went with Lata Masi to some house.

When I came back (here is the special thing I wanted to talk about) daddy and all asked me why I was not studying, what had happened to me (They had probably taking about me when I was gone) All said that it was funny that I’m not studying and hearing them talk so even I felt a bit sad.

I sat back to think why I was not studying and I’ll list my reasons here:-

1. i) When I was a studious girl, all people used to tell me that I’m a Bhodu Ram. People used to make me feel very, very sad. So I felt, what is there in studying. Leave it if you don’t want it. But I was wrong, people were not disgusted because I was studying, they were not happy with me because, while studying I didn’t use to take care of anything else. So I should study and at the same time do everything else and of course in exam you have to study. Your future depends on it not theirs.
2. ii) Then I don’t trust anybody. No, not even myself. If I study anything, I feel that I’ll never be able to remember. It is somewhat as if my body isn’t my friend.

Oh God, please make my body my friend.

If I don’t trust my body, it is obvious that I don’t trust anybody else. I think that I don’t have faith in anyone. I’m not sure even if there is God.

Oh God, if you are there please give me some special power to know that exams are coming closer and that if I study, it’ll be for my own good and not for any other’s benefit. So long. I promise to study hard.

26^th February, 1983

Yesterday when all family members shouted at me for studying, I made up my mind to study seriously. I seriously made a time- table and then seriously prayed to God to help my body be my friend and I slept.

Really, God helped me today. Morning I went to classes. After that though I couldn’t study, I did my papers and in the evening I studied hard. Today Bhavna’s mummy went to Muscat and at about 7:00 p.m. Bhavna came to my house, crying.

Then we both studied seriously. She had dinner with me and then though she has slept now, I had made up my mind to finish some lessons and so after feeling satisfied with my studies (It is 12:15 now) I’ll go to sleep now.

27^th February, 1983

Yesterday Bhavna had come to my house to sleep and today morning I got up at 6:00 to study. Then I went for my Maths classes and then sat back to study (After reading newspaper and seeing Saptahiki) Then Bhavna came and I can’t study when we are together. Today both dinner and lunch we had at Lata Masi’s house. I had made up my mind not to see the movie ‘Ghar’ on T.V. but during the first interval, I went to the market and after coming from there I was tempted to the movie. It was about a happy couple, whose wife (rekha) was raped by four Goondas. Then I could study very less.

28^th February, 1983

Yesterday I had gone to sleep at Bhavna’s place. Then when I came to my house, today I washed my hairs (only after studying) Today was a good day for studying i.e I studied well. I studied till about 2:30 in the afternoon and then I got ready to go to school. Meeta Ben combed my hairs and for first time it came out fine. I had to wear my uniform (I had thrown my tie). When we reached school, we found everyone in happy mood. All had come to remove their group snaps. Raji, Manali, Hazel, Geeta and myself stood together. But we were separated due to unequal heights. Then after our group (class) snaps, Hazel asked Mr. Dickson if he could take our own group snap and he agreed and we had it taken out. I’m eagerly waiting for it. Then we got our time-table and we came back home. I wanted to finish off Biology but couldn’t. I went to sleep at 9:30 hoping to wake at 11:00

1^st March, 1983

Yesterday I slept at 9:30 and today though I got up once or twice during the night, I couldn’t make up my mind whether I should get up to study and due to laziness, I got up at 5:00 and fast did my Algebra papers. Then I went for my classes. Nowadays we go straight to the building’s terrace and today Sir had to come up to call us. We have nice fun. Then we came home. I usually come walking after that incident on the bus. I get frightened. Today I got the company of my 3^rd floor neighbour. It was good.

Then I studied very seriously in the morning. Then in the afternoon, Meena Kaki, Kanak Kaki and Jasmine Bhabhi came and I couldn’t study very well. It was due to my own ignorance. Then I studied in the evening. I should study more seriously. Once I start studying I feel like studying more and more interested I feel.

2^nd March, 1983

Today morning I got up at 6:00 a.m and studied seriously in the terrace. Then I came to the kitchen. We had made Jalebi as Jasmine Bhabhi had come and we all had fun. Yesterday when Meena Kaki said that I was silent, Jasmine said that no I was  more talkative now and that made me also say something in my defense. Yesterday in the night when I went to study at Lata Masi’s house, the others were probably talking about me. For when Malay told me ‘Buthi’, Meeta Ben did ‘Shhh____’. I felt very bad afterwards. I didn’t trust anybody. Today I went to school at about 2:00. Bhavna had come to study at my house from 11:00 a.m. After coming from school, I went to her house to study and returned after seeing ‘Chhaya Geet’. Then as today, the colourwalas and electricwalas had come for repairing. I went to study at Lata Masi’s house (We had our lunch and dinner there) I helped Manisha solve her Algebra papers. I decided not to go for any more classes.

3^rd March, 1983

Today morning I got up at 7:00. I’ll no longer go to classes. Then I studied for a little while. We had slept at Lata Masi’s house because of our colouring of house (understandable). Then I did little study of Chemistry and then after everything I went to Lata Masi’s house to study. I studied very less and helped Manisha do her Algebra papers. Then I went for lunch at Mami’s house and then I went to Bhavna’s house. There we did Bio 21 and then Algebra sums. Then I got bored of it and then I didn’t feel like doing anything. At Bhavna’s house her Masi’s daughter (Joshna) has come and she is very nice. I brought Bhavna with me andwe went to Babubhai’s house for my clothes and then we came back. Then I went to study at Lata Masi’s house. I fooled with Manisha for some time. Then I thought of studying seriously for some time and I could (I did). Then to Mami’s house for dinner and then again to Masi’s house for studying. Today Sonal told me that the Mavali of our building (Bhavesh) had been passing comments when she passed. Stupid Boy.

4^th March, 1983

Today was a very study-study time. In the morning I got up straight at 7:15 and then I studied Geography. We had slept at Lata Masi’s house. Today full day I was mostly at Lata Masi’s house. Till about 12:00 I studied Geog and then I took Physics and went to Lata Masi’s house. In the afternoon I had my lunch at Mami’s house and then I went to study at my neighbours house (which is empty) Meeta had come there and we both studied. I slept. Then again I went to Lata Masi’s house and studied. Manisha had brought a letter of her friend from her cousin brother. I read it and asked Manisha to write a copy of it for me. It was a beautiful letter. Then I studied and then Manisha forced me to have dinner. I didn’t go to Mami’s house. Then I went to give Kapda for ironing and to take milk and now I hope to study till 12:00 and then get up at 6:00. I want to finish Physics. So long.

5^th March, 1983

Again a study-study, though it was a little better  then yesterday. Morning I got up at 7:00 and then as usual and then I wore Meeta Ben’s midi and all mistook me for her. Then after eating I went to Manisha’s house to study but slept. Me and Manisha were studying in their gallery and all the time looking outside. I neglected my studies today. In the evening we went to the temple, then Mami’s house and then with Guddi to have a little roam. Kali came with us. Then I studied till 12:00.

6^th March, 1983

Today I got up at 7:30. Then it was same. I went to Vanita Mami’s house for lunch and then slept in the afternoon and then saw movie ‘Arzoo’. It was beautiful movie of love between two lovers and two friends. Sadhna even went to the extent of breaking her leg to equal her lover. Then we phoned Bangalore as it was Hetal’s birthday today. My heart yearns for Hetal. Then Mummy shouted at me for saying ‘Sala, Kutra, Bilada, Marela’ to Malay. But I don’t feel very bad for that. Sometimes I feel like running away from everything but I should take things as they are.

7^th March, 1983

Today morning I got up at 7:00 and then I studied for a little while and then after bath I was at Manisha’s house. Then I went to Vanita Mami’s house for lunch. We soon came back and I slept.  I’m becoming habitual to sleep. I feel that once I start sleeping it’ll become a habit. Once I don’t sleep, that’ll be a better habit. Then in the afternoon Manisha, Meeta Ben, Guddi and myself all studied in Lata Masi’s hall. Then we all ate ice cream and popcorn and as we came to know it was Kailash Ben’s birthday we sang a song. It was a great get – to – gether. Then we studied for a while and then at about 7:30 Bhumpi came and we saw ‘Phool Khile’ (Manmohan) and then as Bhumpi wanted to take some sweets (as it is her birthday tomorrow) we went there to DK. Then I made up my mind to study.

8^th March, 1983

Today I gave my praticals. In the morning I studied and then went to school by school bus. I wasn’t afraid. In the school there were girls (25) come for practicals. Nobody was actually afraid. Sister Principal took us to the office and then took us for Practicals in a queue. My Chemistry practicals was OK. Then Biology went wrong and Physics went completely wrong. Miss Raji helped me in writing all new readings. I was feeling very bad. Then I had to come all alone in the bus because of Rupal and then I reached home and after eating I slept. Then I studied at Lata Masi’s house and then we went to Raj Mahal because it was Bhumpi’s birthday. We had nice fun there. Bhumpi, Guddi, Manisha, Mona and myself. Then we came home and now I’m going to sleep at Bhavna’s house.

9^th March, 1983

Here are some thoughts which I do not want to forget.

1. i) All are born in this world. All are same. Then why to feel inferior. Just live and do not waste time. Do all your duties. Sad-Happy are ways of life. It’ll come and go. You should live confidently

********************************************************

Today I came from Bhavna’s house, washed my hairs and sat down to study. I studied Hindi guide. Yesterday it was good study time. Whenever Kali came, we made fun of him and refreshed ourselves. Once I went to bring milk with Meeta Ben and when we were coming up, Shankar, our liftman without closing one door started fidgeting with the lift buttons. We had an uncontrollable laughter. Then Narottam Bhai, Mahendra Bhai and Varsha Bhabhi came. They asked me about my studies. Mahendra Bhai said that he would give me papers if he got them. They said I was sure to come out Borivli first. I said ‘Wow! What dreams’.

10^th March, 1983

Today morning I studied Biology 21 and then after doing daily routines, I went to Lata Masi’s house to study. Today we got our centers. Sonal told me that they were put up and on an thought we asked Minar’s Sir who is a clerk in M.K. He had the list with him and we copied it. Raji, Manali (all French girls), Rajul, are in same school i.e. Don Bosco. Minar’s Sir told me to ask him for difficulties. Nowadays I find that whenever I meet anyone everybody asks how I’m studying and I’m sure everybody’ll ask my results also so I should study hard. I should live upto the high expectations everybody is keeping from me. Bhavna’s center is Mary Immaculate. Tomorrow I’m going to give Geometry test. Today I felt a bit depressed because of my selfishness. Meena Ben seems to be reading from my diary. I’ll have to hide it.

11^th March. 1983

Today I went to give my Geometry re-exam. It was a difficult paper. But I did well (not extraordinary)

While I was going up the slope at school, the primary girls were coming down and one of them said to me ‘Girly, your hair are very long’.  I said ‘Wow’

Nowadays I feel as if I and Bhavna are in a crushing moment. Though we’ll not crush I’m sure of that. She’s going to Muscat and she was telling that she’ll bring me something. She didn’t come to give Geometry paper and I asked Raji to wait for me at Ashirwad. After coming from school Raji, Hazel and myself came together. Then I came by bus with Anuradha. She has completed her revisions, twice. Minar was n the same bus as mine. Then after coming home I studied and then went to Lata Masi’s house. After study, then TV and eating and then I played cards with Masa, Manisha, Minar. Then Kali and Keyur came and we  had and extraordinary fun time. We slept at 12:00.

12^th March, 1983

In the morning I studied Civics. Then I thought ofstudying French. So, though I felt boring at first, by the ending I felt quite satisfied. Today I felt a bit tension between Guddi and me (in my mind) and I called Bhavna and I found that there was no tension. Manisha said today that she had many friends but one true friend, Charu. One of her friends had come to study today and I made one more friend. I like making friends. Today when one crow was caught in a tree all the crows gathered around him. I was fascinated.

13the March, 1983

Yesterday I learnt a lesson though I didn’t study much. It taught me that you should be satisfied with what you have. All people have some or other sorrow. Then also they live happily. Then why can’t. Sorrows will come, sorrows will go. You should take them bravely not become thinner and thinner. In the TV there was a movie ‘Khatta Mittha’ It was beautiful movie. Then we had dinner at Kailash Ben’s house. Manisha’s Uncle-Aunty from Santacruz had also come. I met Bhavna and she said that now she didn’t feel frightened of board exams. Nor do I. but still I have to study.

14^th March, 1983

Today morning I felt gloomy. It was because I felt inferior. Again I got  that inferior complex feeling yesterday. As other get Dil Ka dora I get inferiority Complex Ka dora. Now it is much less as compared to the times when I was small. I’m learning much from experience. Now I know why I feel different from others. I can answer yesterday’s questions. Today morning Jasmine Bhabhi came as mummy went today and I’m sure I’ll have fun. She’s nice. Today afternoon I slept at Bajuwala’s house (which is empty). Then Priti came and she was talking about interesting things about her job at Kala Niketan and Bank. I feel like working. I didn’t study much today. I’ll study now. So long.

15^th March, 1983

I got up at six. Lata Masi woke me. Then Meeta Ben got up and we both studied in Gallery. Then we came home. Yesterday I did everything early and by 8:45 I was at Lata Masi’s house. I studied Geography seriously and then went home at 12:00. I enjoy with Jasmine Bhabhi. Then I slept at Bajuwala’s house. Then I could study very less. In the evening we had Roti-dal for dinner (Roti of potatoes) and everbody enjoyed it. I have made up my mind that even one minute I’ll not sit idle in my life. I will go on progressing, going forward, fulfilling my dreams. I’m sure I’ll fall some time but I’ll not give up. I’ll go on.

16^th March, 1983

I wanted to get up early but couldn’t. Today Jasmine Bhabhi went as she had to go to marriage. Today though I didn’t study during daytime, I was awake till 1:00 in the nigt. Today Hemakshi, Preeti had come and we bought sandwiches and Pav Wada (Malay brought) and we ate together. Today I studied at my own house.

(I’ve been studying many instances about raping and I feel very angry at every man. They’re stupid creatures) Sometimes I doubt if there is any justice in this world of God. If God is there, how could he keep quite after seeing the sorry plight of the small girls and ladies. Even 8 year olds are raped.

17^th March, 1983

I got up early though I had slept late. I’m starting to get frightened about the exams yesterday, though I’m sure I’ll know enough to write. I think I’m being foolish but I feel a tension in my head. But why should I keep tension. It is just an examination and if you feel afraid you’ll not be able to remember anything. It is better to hold yourself together during exam. Write everything that you remember. Write wisely. If you are afraid you’ll be losing your chance to do beautifully. And further more! Why should you doubt your abilities? You should do your best and leave the rest to God. So study hard and wisely. God will see to the rest.

18^th March, 1983

At last I’ve given my first board exam. It was English today and it went beautifully. Though I felt a bit awkward in the beginning.

Yesterday I got Ketan Bhai’s wishes. Then Kailash Ben came to give me a pen as good wish. She told Kali to tell me Good Luck but all he thought of was ‘Ball’. Then today morning came and I was very happy, that at last it would be over. I got dressed. Babita had come to school where even Meeta Ben came. We went to Derasar first with Rajul, Priti. Then we reached Don Bosco. It was good feeling meeting everybody. I wasn’t a least frightened. I saw Manali’s J.K. I felt odd with the boys around us. Elsa and company did have some kind of paper but nothing came out of it. Then we came by B.E.S.T. bus without taking ticket. It was full. The Marathi boys were stupid.

19^th March, 1983

Today I didn’t study much. Yesterday Bhavna had come to sleep and I was so excited that we had so much to talk. Yesterday morning somebody’s phone came, he said Best of Luck and kept. Even Bhavna had the same type. We both suspect Bhavesh and we told Meena Ben about it.

Today Raji’s phone had come and she told me that Manali’s friend told her that she was his dame and that she shouldn’t talk with anybody else.

Now I’ll not write anything about my moody feelings in this book. It is making me too much moody.

I studied very little today. I’m not bothered about my exams. I’ll study hard now.

20^th March, 1983

Today I studied very hard. I didn’t see any movie nor saptahiki. It was ‘Golmaal’ today. Then also I didn’t see it. I studied hard. I was satisfied in the end. I had my periods in the evening. Appa Bhai’s phone came for some IMP papers for the exams.

21^st March, 1983

Physics Paper

Today I got up at 6:00. I studied and got ready. I went to Sonal’s house as she had got some IMP, but I couldn’t translate anything. I had worn Meeta Ben’s churidar. I went to Bhavna’s house and when I came back somebody threw a balloon which landed on my head. Then Rajul came and we reached school. There I was greeted by Manali and Elsa. And we had a great time discussing everything. Then the paper. It was easy. Then after paper I stood for bus. It was a nice time. Then I came home and I didn’t feel like studying. I couldn’t bring yesterday’s study mood. I have to study now. Meena Ben and Malay have gone to see ‘Arpan’ with Praful Bhai. Harsha Ben and Raju Bhai had come. Harsha Ben asked me to write a poem on Avani. Even Ajay Bhai’s phone had come for Best of Luck. Now I’ll study.

22^nd March, 1983

Chemistry paper

Today’s paper was also nice and easy. I got one answer wrong, though first I had written it correctly. I felt bad about it. Yesterday I had slept at 2:00 a.m. and got up at 6:00. I was getting very frightened. Babita’s phone had come for IMP, though nothing of it came. I had worn a yellow midi. I had washed my hairs and Meena Ben finished off all the other things. She took beautiful plaits. She is nice. After coming from exams I had slept. J.K. comes everyday to see Manali. I don’t know why but I like their kind of friendship i.e. loyalness. Then I do not feel like studying now. I’mgoing to become study sick now. But there are only few days left and I have to work hard. After tomorrow, half of the exam tension will go off my head. If it goes nice, nearly full tension will go so why should I not study and bring happiness. So long.

23^rd March, 1983

Biology-French

Today I got up at 3:00, but could study only after 5:00. Both my papers went OK i.e. 55%. If only I get 100% in both Maths will I get 80%. So I must try very hard. Raji had come with me today in the afternoon and we had lunch together. During French paper all were copying. I asked much from Rupal. Jessica’s brother who is in our class was exchanging papers. We were left early. Then I came home. Yes, I had fininshed half my exams. I came home and after resting phoned Bhavna. But I took the no. as 851841 (combination of Raji – Bhavna) And the lady was talking very jolly. I asked her whether Bhavna was there and she said that she was it. I asked her how the paper was, she said fine. I asked her which it was and she said Chemistry. Then she said Algebra. I asked her to go on guessing. She was jolly good and told me Best Of Luck and Good – Bye.

24^th March, 1983

Algebra

My paper was beautiful. I’m trying hard to get nice marks even in Geometry.

Yesterday when I was seeing Chhaya Geet, there was a song when the heroine was crying and the hero was consoling her. It was just beautiful. I was touched.

Today morning I got up at 4:00 and slept again at 6:00. I practically didn’t study much but my paper was beautiful. I had worn a midi Meena Ben had brought yesterday and I looked very nice. I had washed my hair today and Meena Ben took beautiful plaits. Today morning I was down in my dumps but as I got ready I felt happy. I liketo go to give my papers. I feel different and I like the difference. It is not that I like the boys around. But I somewhat feel different and I am happy. Now I’m eager to go to college. But if I don’t study I wouldn’t be able to go to a good college and I’m sure I don’t want to go to some stupid college with a bunch of stupid (bad) people around.

25^th March, 1983

Geometry

Today’s paper was also fine. I hope I get full marks. Today I had worn Priti’s midi and it looked fine. Nowadays the boys are always throwing balloons of water on girls (they do not have guts to throw on boys) It is really a hurt feeling one gets when she is thought of as a plaything.

Today Rajul did not wait for me. She went away. Even when Babita’s father came, I told him I was waiting for a friend. I came with Sapna. She’s very  nice and mannerly. I like her.

When I came back after giving my exams, the Gautam Nagar boys threw balloons. I don’t know why but Bhavesh was standing on the 2^nd floor balcony. I feel very angry and irritated when I see him. Stupid. But why should I bother.

Then Bhavna and myself went to school for needle work. But the stupid sister didn’t give. She asked us to study. When I went to Istriwala, a balloon on my back. Holi songs on Chhaya Geet.

26^th March, 1983

Saturday was wasteful.

27^th March, 1983

Today was a nice day. In the morning Kishore Kaka came and we all had an interesting conference with him. I’ll have to note down the points he said, so that I can think of it afterwards.

i)Why did I want to study mor

ii) Do I really want to do a job?

iii)  I can do anything if I want to.

iv) What do I like?

(He asked us to write a letter to him if we wanted to know anything from him)

He said that I was smart and it made me feel very proud. He said that once their family (3) had gone for camp without any luxuries and they enjoyed it as they had more time to know one another. He said that we should discuss things among ourselves, friends. Daddy and he used to take oaths and so, which shows how close they were. I was really fascinated. I’m sure he has made me more intelligent.

I saw today’s movie ‘Navrang’. It was beautiful. Then I went to Mandir and felt happy. Somebody threw a balloon and now I’m thinking of tomorrow when it’ll be Holi and I’ll be going for exams.

Kishore Uncle said that Indian culture is so rich and  yet Indians do not make much of it and the westerners make so much of theirs though it is not much.

28^th March, 1983

Today morning was a study time. I tried to study everything and got some IMP from Sonal. But nothing came. My Hindi paper was very nice. The essay was very nice about if I were a bird. When I came from school, Minar and Manisha threw balloons and after an unsuccessful attempt of sleeping I tried to study. But couldn’t because I was attracted towards the balloons. I went to Lata Masi’s house where Kaka and Minar were filling balloons. I got Disco dance cassette from Minar. Then I gave it back and asked Minar to bring balloons for me. Then I went to Sonal’s house. And it really looked like it was Dhuleti today. All were throwing balloons. Gautam Nagar v/s Raj Bhavan. The Sorry-thank you boy was also playing. Chetna’s Kaki was also enjoying her first Holi at sasural. They had lit up a fire but I didn’t go to see it. I have cold and my eyes are swollen. We already played our Holi.

29^th March, 1983

Today was Dhuleti and I was tempted to play and I didn’t study anything till 12:00. First it started with balloons. Then Mahesh Bhai came from Upperwala’s balcony and then I was playing holi. We went to B-wing’s terrace and played. Whole of Sonals’s house, Mami’s house and the new Bhabhi of B-wing. It was a nice feeling. Then we went to Jay-vijay and they were all playing jolly well there, throwing water and with Gulal. Then after that I had to study full day. I got a terrible cold and had to take steam bath twice on that day. But I enjoyed. Even Bhavna was enjoying. Oh, but who could study when such merry-making was going on, in and around us. I couldn’t and so I played holi and I got it’s result. My history paper went flop (I’m writing on Friday, all together. Today is Tuesday.)

30^th March, 1983

Today I studied history, very hard. But my paper was a flop. I hope to get 50%. Because of my history paper my marks will go down. But nothing can be done now. Now I’ll have to leave my exams hall also. So, I’ll not be able to meet my friends also. Seeing Manali’s boyfriend, we all wish if even we had a boyfriend. But I’m happy that I do not have for I want to be a perfect girl i.e. I want everything in its’ right place. I’ve to join classes but because I’m going to Nainital, I have to stop thinking about my classes. I wonder what my life is going to be. But without worrying I’m going to do my best.

31^st March, 1983

Exams are over, at last. I had a very busy day, today. In the morning I was awake from 5:00 onwards. I had to get good marks in Geography. But my paper didn’t go so nice. It was okay. Then after the paper Raji, Manali, Hazel and myself, we all came to my house. J.K. had brought ticket for us of ‘Himmatwala’ A boring movie. He didn’t get balcony tickets and we had to sit in Dress Circle. Even J.K. and his friend had come. J.K. asked Manali if she wanted to come to Balcony (as there were two tickets of Balcony). Manali didn’t go. The public was a real bore and Mavali. In the interval, J.K. brought samosas, though we didn’t tell and we didn’t eat and Raji was not willing to keep in her box, we had to leave it there. J.K. felt bad. But what could be done. Bhavna’s paper went nice. We went to Sai Baba’s mandir and Jigar was with us. He started crying when we were at Raj Mahal and wouldn’t allow us to sit. I felt very angry. Bhumpi and Guddi told me how their grandfather was acting stupidly.

1^st April, 1983

In the morning as I had asked Bhavna to come she had come and though I wanted to join library. After thinking about everything I thought it better not to. Bhavna was telling that her Booji acted childish and had doubts about them. He used to ill-treat her Masi’s children. He says that Guddi-Bhumpi thought of Bai as a servant. That is why they do not like to stay at home. She went to her Masi’s house.

I helped mummy in the morning. Then I slept. Then Bhumpi had come. We went to B-wing’s terrace and talked there. Many people were in their galleries. It was a nice feeling to be with all. Then we went to leave Bhumpi down and then when Priti came, Manisha and myself went with her to Sodawala lane. Priti was frank and she talked a lot. She’s a girl like whom I would like to be. She does everything fast. She’s running and taking all that she can. Then I don’t know why I’m creeping. I want to run. But something stops me. It could be my own self. And I’m not doing anything concrete. I’m going to start some classes. But this Nainital trip is stopping everything. I hope I make up for my time. I’ll not waste my time.

2^nd April, 1983

Today I went to Nyna Ben’s marriage. Varsha, Jasmine and Charu Ben were there. We had fun. I had changed, I could see that. Then Jasmine Bhabhi came home and I slept. Even Bhavin had come. I was going to go but didn’t go because Ba had come. I like Ba. Mummy tells me that she has changed from her sternness. I’m just passing my time. Nowadays I read ‘Tom Brown’s school Days’ of Thomas Hughes. It was a nice book.

3^rd April, 1983

My future plans are (today on 3^rd April) that I’ll take Commerce. I’ve seen Meeta Ben’s books and I know that I want that. I still have to see Arts and Science books. But I’ll see them soon. I’m resolving, once again. But this time it is real concrete. My three resolutions are:

1) Think seriously. Don’t take life seriously but think seriously about making life easy. You should never do anything you feel is not nice. Otherwise you will be down in your own eyes. Why should you waste your time on all kinds of stupid things for eg. Attracting boys, making people believe something which is not true. Be yourself. Let people like you as you are. Your goodness and your badness. You are one among all. So, just live it (leave it to God)

2) I’ll become C.A. (Chartered Accountant). Of course, I can if I want to. If I’ll not study then what will I do. It’s better to study and become something great than to chat and speak ill about others. But at the same time I should not neglect people. Meet everybody. Speak to everybody. You should not miss anything. Run, why should you creep. You can run, then why should you not.

3) Then I should mix with people, ask them questions, know about everything. (All human beings are students till the end of their lives) Read books, go about, read fast, digesting everything, experiencing everything.  ABOVE ALL I SHOULD NOT GET AFRAID TO DO ANYTHING NEW. I SHOULD DO EVERYTHING  FOR EXPERIENCE. EXPERIENCE ALONE WILL MAKE MAKE ME GOOD, BETTER AND THEN BEST.

Today daddy and all were talking about the people today. All have grown so indifferent to people. Daddy said that though we feel angry we should suppress anger as it’ll lead to complications. Meeta Ben said that one boy was killed because of some fight (as he was beaten) So,  beware of all people. If somebody does bad just strike, don’t doubt his/her misbehavior. It’s common that people misbehave nowadays.

Today morning I was not in a mood (good one) I had washed my hairs and then when I went to bring milk maid and pineapple tin that I had my mood. I helped Meena Ben. I helped her a lot. We made ice cream. I slept in the afternoon and then after cooking everything Meena, Kailash Ben, Kali, Keyur, Praful Bhai, Kaka and myself we went to Juhu. We picked Meeta Ben from college. After Juhu we went to woodlands. I had worn Meena Ben’s churidar. Then we came back and I’m sleeping now. So long.

4^th April, 1983

‘What you think of yourself matters more than what others think of you’

-Unknown

This above sentence is of great need to me. I always think that what others think of me is more important. I’ll always remember it.

Today morning I phoned Rajul and Raji to come to school. Rajul came late and we reached late. Raji and Thereza were coming back. I took them back. None of my work was done. It was another Dhakka. Then we all went to Hazel’s house and asked her if she wanted to see ‘Arpan’. She was going to see it today. Manali was saying that J.K. was going to Spain, but we saw him today. Manali is a rather crooked girl. Today afternoon Rajul and myself went to book Arpan’s ticket. It has become Rs. 6.00 each. I hope everybody gives the money. I’ll take it (I’m not giving a treat) Then Rajul came home and we went to Dehrasar. Then we came back home. So Long.

5^th April, 1983

Today was wasteful. In the morning I did something in the albums. I was trying to find out how much percentage I’ll get and I got 72%. Not fine, but O.K.

Then it was eat and sleep. Bhavna’s phone had come and I was very happy. I was feeling boring to do anything but the thought of not getting anywhere if I felt boring made me feel encouraged. Another thought that upsets me is that I do everything very slowly. I hate myself for that. My bums are very big. I don’t like it.

In the afternoon I wanted to go somewhere but didn’t have company. I helped Mummy. When Meena Ben came from classes (cutting and painting) we went to see Hemakshi’s baby (born on 2^nd of April) We had fun. Her Bhabhi was nice and bijal was also exciting. Then we went to Champak Mama’s house (as it is Baku Ben’s marriage) and we enjoyed. I seemed to enjoy when somebody chamchafies me. This will not give a good result.

6^th April, 1983

Today morning I was feeling very bad. It was because of yesterday when Meena Ben who didn’t like sleeping on Dunlop bed slept because she was feeling very sleepy and I had to sleep somewhere else. I was acting foolish but I didn’t understand at that time. Then Bhavna came and my mood came. At about 2:15 I went to see ‘Arpan’. We all met together. Cecilia, Meena, Pratima, Mona, Lakshmi, Poornima, Rupa, Gita were among the girls who came. The movie was nice though it was very sacrificing part of Reena Roy. She sacrificed her love for keeping her lover’s (Jitendra) house ki Ijjat (respect) I read little of Ann Marie’s diary and enjoyed it. After them movie I wanted to go to the library but instead went to Bhavna’s house. Then from there taking Mona’s sister (Sona) we went for bidding (My nightie which Meena Ben is making is almost ready) Then saw Chhaya Geet. Then work. Then I did little of Bhavna’s Masi’s table cover of cross stitch.

7^th April, 1983

A nice day was today

I got up groumpy

I passed my holiday

And slept feeling happy and plumpy

When I got up in the morning I felt very angry because I was made to get up at 6:30. But soon I was all lively. I went to library with Bhavna. Then we went to meet Ketan Bhai. Then we came back. I read the Hardy Boys book which I had brought. Then in the afternoon or rather evening Bhumpi came to take one midi as Bhavna is going for marriage tomorrow and I went with her. We chatted. We talked about the Mavali boys of Gautam Nagar. They always sit and act like bad boys. I wonder why they like it. Bhavna and I decided to do jobs after graduation as we envy the busy and thought out life of working girls. We do not just want to waste our lives. When Bhavna came at 9:00 we went with Kailash Ben in their car to roam to Gorai Khadi and we drank juice. I had to sit in front in the middle of Kaka and Praful Bhai and I felt awkward.

8^th April, 1983

Today was an experienced day (so nice day) I always enjoy when I am busy but only that I do not remember that. In the morning, Heera Masi and their children had come and then we went to Baku Ben’s marriage. Though Neena had worn my Chaniya Choli, she gave everyone the experience that it was hers. Today Nimu Masi was telling Vanita Mami that Tinu didn’t use to talk and Mami told that Tinu and Vibha are same if they don’t call anybody. What right did she have to talk like that? Nimu Masi told her that I talked. I was very angry at two persons. I told Meeta Ben about it (Mami) and all were very angry. Ba said that she was Dodhhahia. It seems that Baku Ben didn’t cry at all during Bidai and I’m sure I’ll do the same. It makes me ashamed. But I’ve learned to face difficulties without crying. In the afternoon I finished my story book and Malay brought some Nasta. Then I went with Bhavna to library. She had brought Sona (Mona’s sister) who cried all the way back. Then I went to temple with Bhumpi. Then we, whole family sat in the terrace as summer has come.

9^th April, 1983

Yaro, dodo, khelo age badho

Marne se pahle Jina na chodo

(Guys, run, play, go forward

Do not stop living till you die)

Today I got up at eight. Then usual nothing (story book) Then I ate and slept. Shailesh Bhai had come today. When I woke up Meena Ben asked me if I wanted to see Avtaar with Lata Masi’s family or go to Sea Rock Hotel with Kailash Ben’s family. I went to see Avtaar and it was beautiful. ‘Avtaar’ was a movie about the treatment of father by sons. But the father showed his sons proper lesson. I was full of resolutions during the movie (never give up, always go on, having faith in God, do not bend your head) I remembered that a husband’s success is his wife’s character. I’m going to be a very good wife.

10^th April, 1983

In the morning my mood was high. Being proudy didn’t help. I went to ask Manishe to come to Dehrasar and we went. Then Meeta Ben’s friend Geeta had come and I was busy working. I read newspapers and like it. Even magazines. There was an article about a girl who died of cancer and her mother found her poetries. They were nice poems. Then I slept and at 4:00 went with Mummy-Daddy to Maharaj Sahib at Parle. Then we went to Sahakari Bhandar and woodlands. Then we came back. Then I saw end of movie ‘Palko Ki Chhao Mein’. Then end.

11^th April, 1983

Today Varsha Bhabhi came in the morning, early, as Shailesh Bhai had come (as Daddy went to Calcutta) I got ready and went to library with Bhavna. Then it was usual. Work, eat, sleep. When I got up Bhavna and Tinki asked me to come to take milk and then we all went to Dehrasar (including Kali and Keyur) In the afternoon we all sat to listen to Jihny and Johny’s dialogue. We had fun. Johny is really smart.

In the evening we had made Hamburger. After enjoying a delicious meal, I went to Matunga with Shailesh Bhai and Varsha Bhabhi. I went straight to Avanti. Dipa had gone to Matheran.

12^th April, 1983

When I got up I was feeling like Avanti-style. I read book first then did everything morning-work. Then when I went to Meena Kaki’s house, Meena Kaki was going out. I went with her and we roamed almost full King’s circle. We ate ice cream at Sahakari Bhandar. Meena Kaki took many many things as she is going to South.

Then I ate at Pushpa Kaki’s house. Then as Pushpa Kaki had gone to Meena Kaki’s house, Rupal had come to give me company. Then she asked me to come to her house but I didn’t go. Then I went to Meena Kaki’s house and then to Megh Mahal. Then I was a little odd because of my own. Kalu, Varsha Bhabhi and myself played cards. Then we saw Gandhi’s awards (It got 8 oscar awards). Then we came back to Avanti with Ajay Bhai in Nemi’s car. Ajay Bhai showed me a beautiful book ‘How to make your Life and Job beautiful’ I asked him to lend it to me. I’m going to enjoy it. It has already taught me something.

13^th April, 1983

In the morning we went to Shweta’s to get Churidar’s. I took two and even Kalu took two. We were lucky enough to get the bus quickly. Then I went to have lunch at Meena Kaki’s house. Meena Kaki shows pity but I do not like it. We should not pity but encourage.

Then I slept in the afternoon. Then Rupal, Kalu and one of Rupal’s friend had come to make flowers. Even Kalu brought the equipment for flower making. We went to leave Rupal’s friend and went to temple. Then Pushpa Kaki had gone to bring Dipa but had to come back as she was late. Kalu went to bring her with Raju Bhai. I saw ‘I love Lucy’ in T.V. It was great fun.

14^th April, 1983

In the morning Rupal called and with Dipa, I went to take morning walk (Rupal, Dipa, Alpana, one of the other friend and myself) It was great fun. About hundred of people were exercising around Five Gardens. There were old and young people, people with their dogs and people with their bats. We made two rounds around the gardens and by the time we got back, I was tired.

In the afternoon Meena Kaki had lunch at 6^th floor and soon went away. I wanted to come back to Borivali in the afternoon but didn’t because we went out. Kalu was in a bad mood before going out. We went to Nariman Point and after that to Woodlands. Two of our relatives were there. Even Rupal had come with us.

15^th April, 1983

I came to Borivli today with Dipa. I had my bath after coming. Then we had fun with Shailesh Bhai and Ketan Bhai. In Bombay, I had read about the April 14, 1944 fire and I asked Ba about it. Then I slept and on getting up, I did work and then went to Guddi’s house. Keyur came with me. It seems the Gautam Nagar boys are calling them (phone) now and then. They had also gone to see movie with Bhumpi and Madhu. It had suddenly rained today (very heavily). Then I ate. Nowadays Meeta Ben’s papers are not going nice. Today when I  was writing in the diary, Geeta said that even she used to write in her diary daily and she enjoyed it. I felt happy. Then Bhavna had come and she took my pink churidar and pickle. We had gone to see Puja at Megh Mahal. She looked plumpy and sweet. (Touch wood, I’ll tell her)

                                16^th April, 1983

Today morning I did all morning work. I learned to remove soap from clothes. Then I went  to library with Dipa. I met Rajeshree there. In the afternoon we were a great lot (Shailesh Bhai, Ketan Bhai, Dipa, Geeta and all four of us). We had fun. Then I went to Bhavna’s house. I had to pass my time that way. Tina’s hair have grown very thin. I said Bye to Bhavna for t wo months. At about 9:00, Manisha and myself we went to Jay-Vijay and cycled there. It was fun.

                                17^th April, 1983

Morning, I saw the movie ‘Land of no return’ It was about survival of a man whose plane crashed in the mountains. Then I slept and went to Dehrasar with Meena Ben and Manisha and then went to market. Then we saw the movie ‘Pyar Mohabbat’ starring Dev Anand and Saira. Then we went  for cycling and again went to Jay-Vijay. From there we came  back only to play’Thosa’ at Lata Masi’s house. We played till 1:00 in the morning. Manisha is going to Ghatkopar tomorrow. Manisha thinks too great of herself. I like her but sometimes I feel irritated.

                                18^th April, 1983

Today was a roaming day. In the morning after daily work, I went to the library with Manisha. Then I tried to sleep but Manisha came and asked me to come to the tailor’s house (Mummy and Meena Ben got very angry with Manisha as she was selfish to come to take me in the afternoon) After I got ready she told me that so sad that she woke me from my sleep. What a Matlabi girl or rather selfish girl. I slept in the afternoon. Meena Ben had gone to  Malati Ben’s house to  see the demonstration of sunflower. I was feeling boring in the evening. Sonal called to ask if I wanted to come to  Dehrasar. I went and we talked about girls who wanted to have affairs. I felt very proud that I don’t have any. Though sometimes I feel lonely, I think the happiness and independence is worth it. Sonal is too much doubtful about boys, but I think she may be right. Then I went to roam with Lata Masi and Meena Ben. Meeta Ben’s exam got over today.

                                19^th April, 1983

In the morning I was a bit moody. I made up my mind that if I get the tantrums of this moodiness I should do everything I can  and keep busy. Moodiness is going to lead me nowhere.

In the morning I went with Dipa to Mangal stores to sell  used papers and then to studio to bring Malay’s snaps. Then I helped in the kitchen. I slept in the afternoon only to wake up and feel boring. I should not feel boring and get up lively as well. I should not feel boring and get as much from life as I can.

I went with Lata Masi to buy some of her things. As I was feeling boring I had gone to help her.

I went to Babubhai’s house and gave him my two churidar’s for stitching. I was feeling very excited. We played cards at Lata Masi’s house and then daddy came from Calcutta and we saw all he had  brought.

I feel dissatisfied nowadays because I’m doing nothing to fulfil my ambition. But I must wait patiently and should not forget.

                           20^th April, 1983

Today morning I had my periods. Exactly one month’s gap. In the morning I felt that I should not get irritated when it pains. But it pained awfully and I was getting a bit irritated. I wanted to keep myself busy but I did not know with what. I read ‘BloodLine’ in the morning. The starting was a bit boring but the struggle of Elizabeth, a weakling into a strong girl was interesting.

Today Jasmine Bhabhi and Kalu came and we had fun. After lunch my pain was gone. In the afternoon they did waxing. I wanted to but my periods stopped me. We had a dressing session. It was a full experience and I really enjoyed it because I took part in it. I read ‘Bloodline’ in the evening.

Then we saw ‘Chhaya geet’ and ‘I love Lucy’. I love to seee Lucy. She is so lively and so independent. It simply makes me laugh to seee her. I wish I could be like her.

                                21^st April, 1983

I could tell that today’s full day was spent reading ‘Bloodline’. It was an interesting book, though there was too much violence in it. Sometimes I felt like throwing it away but it was too exciting. I finished it in the evening. I felt like doing some action i.e. be busy and after I kept the book aside, I had the excitement to be someone great. Elizabeth (in the book) had been a timid and hopeless child at first but soon had the courage to fight everyone. She did not let anyone and anything stop her. I thought of being like her. But I would fight the people for what? They would stop me for— what?

After finishing the book, I cleaned up the bathroom and then went to see ‘Phool Khile’ Then I helped Lata Masi to make ‘Theplas’. Then I had my dinner.

                     22^nd April, 1983

Today morning I washedmy hairs fast and then wore my new churidars. They’re just beautiful. And Lata Masi gave me a beautiful comment i.e. my choice was better (at least as good as) Meena-Meeta. I was satisfied. I couldn’t help but think about my fight(revolution) against my mind. I feel proud. But it was just natural (I keep telling myself)

Then I went with Meeta Ben to Santacruz. We met Meena Ben there, who had gone for cutting classes near ‘Friendship’. Then we went to Bhagwan cutpiece corner, Ankoor Art Gallery and Garden. I enjoyed roaming everywhere. I can see the difference in me. When we returned home, I tried the new dress we had brought and it looked fine. I was happy. Once in the evening Ba made me sad by telling that boys were nicer to girls (me) as it seems I don’t work. I told her that I used to work and felt sad and moody. But I thought of dealing it intelligently andI was happy once again. Today Niki, Malay, Bhavin came from Matunga and in the night we played cards. We had great fun. Niki was very lucky. I’m thinking of reading Meeta Ben’s book ‘Withering Heights’ and I’ll read it.

                           23^rd April, 1983(SAT)

Morning: Wastage

Afternoon: Sleep

Evening: Shopping

Today morning it had been a boring thing. I had been thinking that as the great people of my house do not appreciate my working, I should not work. And really I didn’t. It made me more sad. I know it makes me happy when I  work hard. But I do work so slowly. It is as if somebody is stopping me to do what I want (My body is not my friend) I’m so different from Ann Marie. She was so fine and did what she wanted. She knows what she wants and everything. When I read her diary I was completely lost.

                     24^th April, 1983(Sunday)

Today morning was like all other Sunday mornings. We went to visit the temples nearby (for Ba) in the afternoon. Then there was the movie ‘ Inkaar’ about Inspector Vinod Khanna. I did not read Meeta Ben’s ‘Wuthering Heights’ because the English is too high. Nowadays life is real lively with Bhavin and Niki.

 

25^th April, 1983 (Mon)

Ketan Bhai got hurt while he was playing. Ajay Bhai came today. He brought  me the book of Dale Carnegie ‘How to enjoy your life and your job’. I really do needed it. But right from morning I had a terrible headache. It lasted for the full day. Ajay Bhai asked me if anything was new and when he found out that I was writing a diary, he told me not to write every day chore for it’ll get boring in due course. He asked me to write only important topics. But I’ll go on. I seem to learn something important every day.

Really today I had a severe headache and full day I was in bed. Whenever I got up, I wanted to sleep and the full day was  dull. Tina said that if I wanted to become fat, I should work very much (i.e. keep busy) Mummy said that I should not take into mind (too much) about what everybody says. Just laugh.

                            26^th April, 1983(Tue)

Daddy brought Coloured TV today

Today morning I got up, much better and everybody was asking how I felt. I still was a weakling. I was getting ready to go to the doctor when I vomited (too much). I felt it would get better after this and so I didn’t go to the doctor. I felt very weak. I couldn’t eat. In the afternoon I was somewhat strong and we (Meeta Ben, Kali, Keyur and Manisha’s cousin and myself) went to temple and Doctor. Doctor said that it was due to change of weather. He gave me tablets.

I read Dale Carnegie’s chapter about people’s comments about their work (Criticism) and it helped me a lot. It is just beautiful. ‘Do the best you can and then put up your old umbrella and keep the rain of criticism from running down the back of your neck’. When somebody criticizes or argues, just laugh.

                            27^th April, 1983(Wed)

Today I felt much better. In the afternoon, Karuna came from her Mama’s house and we had fun. She wanted to go to the library and we both went. She brought many extra books from the library (Malay and Bhavin also wanted). We brought four-star comics. It was exciting to read about the free life of the girls. They thought of love as something special that goes with heart not head or rather both. Then to temple and then we (Kalu and myself) went to Bhavna’s house to meet her auntie and bring the nightie. She is very good. Then when we came home we saw ‘Chhaya Geet’ in our new TV. Then we saw ‘Lucy Show’ and then at night ‘Old Fox’ I enjoyed ‘Old Fox’. And I’ll never miss it. Anita and Bhavna had  come to Lata masi’s house and Bhavna had put beautiful Mehndi. At night there was great family at our house but I enjoyed it.

                            28^th April, 1983(Thu)

Today I have made a big promise to God. It is good for me, for God, and all other people. Whenever I am in a bad mood, I’ll not strt blaming others and feel that I should not be living, I’ll face it. (It’ll do good to all the above three). If I really do not wish to live for myself, there are many others for whom I could live for example my ch——, my h——- and above all the whole world. Whenever I am in the moody feeling and feel that I am inferior or something I’ll deal it intelligently and think of all the above three people.

Today morning was good except my mood. We were a lot of people. Pushpa Kaki’s family, Ba, Niku and our family. I missed them when they all went away in the afternoon. But they had  somewhat livened my spirits and I was all ready and encouraged to go to Nainital. I don’t know why the thought of Nainital was giving me frights at first. I’m going to enjoy it ,if it is the  last thing I‘ll do.

                      29^th April, 1983 (Fri)

Today again in the afternoon I had that headache. Meena Ben and Meeta Ben went to the doctor who said that I’ll have to check my urine. I was very upset in the evening.

In the afternoon during lunch time and after that we (Shailesh Bhai, Ketan Bhai, bhabhi, Meena Ben. Meeta Ben, Malay and myself) had a religious conference. We all agreed that no one really knew if there is God, but due to great people knowing we should have faith. Shailesh Bhai talked about Bhutnath Baba who could do magics or miracles. I was reading Dale Carnegie’s book and after that this headache. It was just too much. I couldn’t go anywhere. Meena Ben pressed my head with Vicks and I felt extremely well. I slept very early. I have decided that I should sleep early, get up early and during the day I should work without boredom. I think boredom is behind my diseases.

                            30^th April, 1983 (sat)

Today I decided to get over my boredom and surely I felt better. I’m going to keep myself busy. In the morning I went to school with Guddis’ Masi and I got my needle work articles. Many tenth standard girls had come and I enjoyed there. I’m missing school. Today there was a movie ‘Dada ho Dikri’ (Gujrati) It was a touching movie about a girl whose mother-in-laws didn’t treat her well. Then Tina, Neeta, Vikas, and Atul had come for dinner. Tina is such a nice girl. She taught me a lesson about being humble.

                            1^st May, 1983 (Sun)

Today was an exciting day. We had many guests for dinner. We made icecream and then we saw the movie ‘ Khubsoorat’ on TV. It was about freely living, Seeing the movie told me that I was being tooo much in jail. Why don’t I be free and enjoy. I’m really going to try this on my tour to Nainital. Though I don’t feel like going, I’m going, so I’ll enjoy myself and make the best use. Today again I had the feeling that I was not wanted.

 My successful trip to Nainital

2^nd May 1983, Mon

(I’m writing on 15^th about all my days of the tour)

     I was very busy in the morning as I was getting ready for my tour. I wanted to go out to bring some things but didn’t go because of laziness. It was decided that we three sisters go early to Matunga and we went and then Mummy and Malay came. Daddy couldn’t come but he phoned to  Matunga and wished me luck. He also told me to come by plane if I was not feeling well. I was getting very frightened as all would be strangers for me in the tour. We had got everything pick-packed in Avanti and  were almost ready. Then Mahendra Kaka came and we went to the station. Kavita had come to Avanti and I went in her car. She was very friendly and I felt relaxed. In the train it was conjusted but once the train started we settled down. Karuna’s group was nice. But I was quiet.

                                 3^rd May, 1983 (Tues)

At about 12 – 1:00 a.m. in the morning we sang Karuna her Happy Birthday song. Then we read jokes and then went to sleep. When we got up we brushed and had tea and bread butter. I was not feeling out of place. Then the full day was passed in the train. We played cards. I read Mills and Boons. When we were playing the card game ‘Ladies’ I was enjoying and  mixed beautifully with everyone. I was a bit surprised but it must be due to the other  amicable people around. I really enjoyed it. We had lunch and dinner all in one plate and the food was nice.

At about 8:00 in the evening we changed our compartment. We talked a lot about everything i.e. about snakes and mostly about Avanti. At night in the bogie there was a man who was going on staring and I couldn’t sleep for a full lonely hour.

                            4^th May, 1983 (Wed)

In the morning we reached Agra fort and after ew had cleaned in the waiting room (we had already changed in the compartment) we relaxed at the platform. We were joined by the other people from tour who were in other compartments. We played cards in the platform. Then in the afternoon we went for sightseeing. It was very hot and we had drinks wherever we could.

At Agra Fort I was chased by the historic mood and could imagine Shahjahan being imprisoned and standing in my place several years ago. It was touching. We went to Taj and then to Fatehpur Sikri. We didn’t go to see the fort as it was all same and instead we drank cold, then tomatoes and then Lassi (Khara-salted). While going by bus I was talking to Parul and we chatted and while coming I was looking out of window while others were singing songs.

Parul taught me what proudy was and I knew the reasons for my feeling guilty sometimes was proudiness.

                            5^th May, 1983(Thu)

We reached  Khadgodam in the  morning and after cleaning ourselves, I wrote a letter to me house and posted it on the station itself. Then we had lunch and we left for Nainital by bus. It was a very small trip and we had strawberries and Mulberries. When we reached Nainital we went by boat from one side to other and then we had to walk for miles and miles(so we thought) to reach our hotel. All were exhausted. We slept as soon as possible. After having a bath together with Kavita and Amita.

                                 6^th May, 1983 (Fri)

When we got up, some girls had already gone to see some point. But we had our hair bath with Amita. We went out after that and Priti was with us. We went halfway and came back as it was too much way down and we didn’t want to do much shopping. We had gone by short cut and even came by short cut. We saw one beautiful garden and decided to come there later. In the afternoon we had to go to see some point which was high up, we didn’t want to walk so we asked Jocky if she would give us horses and only our group got the priveledge to go by horses. Our horseman was very friendly and Meeta with her foolish chatter was soon chatting along. The path of the horses was very dangerous and we were frightened but we reached safely as the horseman said that even the horses wants his life as we want ours.

                            7^th May, 1983 (Sat)

 We went shopping and our horseman was with us. He said he was a Goonda and so everybody knew him. He showed us many good places for shopping. In the afternoon there were 85 horses at our hotel and in the confusion we went to see points. It was very much fun to talk with the horsemans. We took snaps. We chatted in our rooms and Kamal  danced for Amitabh Bachan’s song.

                                 8^th May, 1983(Sun)

On Sunday, it didn’t look like it. We went down again just for fun and then in the afternoon we all thought of going to see movie but didn’t get tickets and we came back after shopping. We enjoyed ourselves in the room. There were some small children and their parents groups (foreigners) who were giving the message of love. It was fun and they were smart. It was a nice group and I enjoyed their song. I’ll write it. Our camera was broken and Karuna had tension.

                                 9^th May, 1983 (Mon)

We got ready early and we went to the places of sight seeing. Most of the time we were in the bus. But in the evening it was raining and when we reached Kausani we had a beautiful picture of the Himalayas. It was nice. Our hotel in Kausani was nice and we enjoyed there though it was cold. At night we had to sleep in a very crowded bed though one bed was fully empty. We felt very angry at Priti.

                            10^th May, 1983(Tues)

Kavita, Bela, Amita and myself had loose motions. We took a mexaform. We left Kausani and it was raining. At Ranikhet we saw a beautiful slope where shooting was taken and then at Bhimtal we saw the lake. It was nice. Then we reached Nainital and we roamed for two hours outside Nainiital as bus could go inside only after 9:00. We showed the camera and it started working. The camera men didn’t take any money.

                            11^th May, 1983 (Wed)

It was a free day today but Kavita wanted candles and we Kavita, Bela, Meeta and myself went with Deepa and group to do shopping. Kavita brought many candles and we came back to the hotel by horses. In the afternoon we had told Inder to bring tickets of  Vidhata and he gave us and we went to the restaurant and then saw the movie. All were quiet and we were doing all that we had wished to do in the theater. We  laughed and made noises when the screen was not fine. It was fun. Then we had to come to the hotel fast and while we were resting outside the hotel, Kavita and myself we talked to some girls. It was fun. Then we had a get together where we did a play where Karuna was a mad woman, Kavita and Komal danced on Amitabh’s song and Kalu and Bela danced disco.

                            12^th May, 1983 (Thu)

In the morning we did packing and at about 12:00 we left the hotel. We reached Khadgodam at 4:00 and we played cards at the platform until 7:00 when we got inside our train. It was a confusingly busy time. Deepa was playing with us and even Nikita and Nutan.

                            13^th May, 1983 (Fri)

We reached Lucknow early in the morning at 5:30. But our train to Bombay was at 10:00 and we played cards on the platform. There were stupid people on the platform and one beggar even changed before us. Shameless.

Then we were in the train and the time dragged along. We changed into our nighties. We all had fun playing cards. Bela and Amita were doing cheating but Priti and I were winning in Ladies.

Jocky knew palmistry and she told me that I would have problems for marriage, I was independent and that I would go abroad and that I would not study much. The first bit didn’t make me happy but I will not be the only one suffering from that problem.

                                 14^th May, 1983(Sat)

We were very excited as we would reach home today. We played cards in the morning and then we changed and combed hairs. Then we were eagerly waiting for the station. I was feeling boring as I would have to go to Avanti. Nirvi had come. After bath we went to a hotel and from there we went to Khanti Kaka’s house where we saw ‘Prem Tapasya’

                                 15^th May, 1983 (Sun)

We got up early and came to Avanti. Then I washed my hairs and got ready to come to Borivli. Nirvi was coming but Kalu made her stay and even Ba said ‘no’. I came alone and it was very hot. We had lunch at Lata Masi’s place. Then I got my periods and we went to see the drama ‘ Ramat son Chokdi Ni’ It was a nice piece and everybody enjoyed it. Then we went to Dwarka and ate Frozen Sandwich.

                                 16^th May, 1983 (Mon)

Today morning I went to ask about my typing classes and I filled the form. I’m going tomorrow to start it. I even posted my letter to Bhavna. I hope she has posted her letter to me.

Today I didn’t allow myself to get bored. I went on doing things without further thought of bore and it kept me busy.

                                 17^th May, 1983 (Tues)

Today was my first successful day of my vacation. I went to my typing classes and learnt my first lesson. I’m sure I will enjoy it. I wanted to join shorthand  classes but as Manisha didn’t , I‘ll  do it with Bhavna (I hope)

We went to ask about Mehndi classes and the lady asked us to come tomorrow. I read star comics and there was a story which taught me that mothers should take care of their children. So, I’ll work after college and take everything as it comes.

                            18^th May, 1983 (Wed)

Today morning I went for my type classes and then from the start something went wrong and whole day that something bothered me.

I had to go for my Mehndi classes but as Babita had come we went to see ‘Mahaan’ of Amitabh. It was useless but I did laugh a lot.

Our next door neighbours came to stay and Meeta Ben and myself, we went to eat there.

                            19^th May, 1983 (Thu)

Today I did my typing extremely well and in the evening when I went to the temple I brought our typewriter from the office.

Nowadays all Bhavnagarwala’s have come as Tiku Ben’s marriage is coming close. Today they had showed ‘Aanu’ and I went there.

                            20^th May, 1983(Fri)

Today morning when I went for my  typing classes, I was confident that I’ll be able to do everything properly and it was exactly the opposite. Then in the morning I was again in one of those awful moods but it was somewhat different from my other moods. I knew why I was sad. It was because I didn’t like to live in here where nobody bothered but then it is upto me.

When I read one book which daddy brought there was a sentence which enlightened me. It was:

“It is easy to say what other people should do,

But it is hard to do what you should  do……”

 No letter from Bhavna. I’m sure she’ll not send one.

                                21^st May, 1983 (Sat)

I met Bhavna’s servant and she said that Bhavna is coming on the 1^st. I was so happy. Manisha is okay but she is always fighting and thinks the world is out to do wrong to her. I told her what I thought of her, today.

Today Tiku Ben put mehndi and the afternoon was passed beautifully. Bhavin went back.

                                22^nd May, 1983(Sun)

I washed my hairs and in the afternoon we went to Walkeshwar. It was very hot. We went to Masi’s house first, we saw video there and then went for buffet at Pankaj Bhai’s place. They had puja there. Then we all came back and got ready for dandia raas. It was fun at the place. I didn’t feel awkward. I met Veena. They are taking movie there. After that we had snacks and we came back and slept at Bharat Bhai’s place in their A.C. room.

                HOPES OF HOROSCOPE

Though I do not believe too much in horoscopes there has been two instances which made me think about it.

i) My trip to Nainital was a beauty and real success. And in my horoscopes of journey for the year it was written “If journey made on May-June, it’ll meet with a great success’.

ii) Nowadays I feel very angry towards everybody especially Meena Ben as she thinks too great of herself and surely I used to show my anger by bein harsh and rude. And today in my horoscope it was written that ‘There are better ways to be aggressive than being rude and harsh’. It exactly said ‘One can be aggressive without bein rude and that’s the way the week should be played. Understood?’

 ?

I’ve read a book and I’ve to note some points:

Children’s are very delicate and it is upto mothers to grow them gracefullu. As long as y ou don’t need a job, do not do it. There are many things to do at home. Be creative. Children should be given good books to read. Mothers should always be happy, loving, patient and sacrificing and at the same time disciplinarian and should gain respect and trust of her child.

                           ?

Nowadays I listen and obey everything everybody. I have no live thinking of myself. I have no confidence. I always feel that I may be wrong. I’m never positive. Though I am trying hard to get it out of my heart, it’s creating very many problems. I donot trust myself and neither do I trust anybody else. As a matter of fact I do not know what I’m upto. I cannot control myself. I’m becoming complex. I’m complicated over my life. But it is due to my own lack of interest. Life is a simple art, so know it and conquer it.

I do all kinds of crazy things

1. i) I think about all around boys. This one is interesting. But all are bad, if not bad good. But though I have nothing to do with them (I do not even talk to them) then why should I spoil my character. You should be interested in chapters which trouble you and which will help if you solve them, why should you run after trouble which will neither be helpful to you nor will it be good to you.
2. ii) I had been seeing movies. And when Meeta-Meena (Ben) said that a movie was not so nice, I felt that they were just trying not to be like common people. But I was not seeing movies with my head. I should be intelligent and see the movies. Nowaday they are starting a series on TV talking about movies. I’ll see it daily.

iii) I’m thinking that thinking too much is making me mad and sad. But it is also making me intelligent. But I do not know if heart is better than head. I always want to do things which give good results and due to this I’m going to repent. I’m growing like other people just because it makes me happy. The worst bit is that I don’t know what is correct. Life is disgusting (at times)

                                            ?

I was reading Ann Marie’s diary today and I felt so excited. She was so pure and so truthful. She knew what was right or wrong and when she didn’t she knew many people who would help her.

I couldn’t help comparing myself to her. So stupid. So good for nothing. If nothing else than I should at least stick to one fact and that could be done by thinking intelligently and always be alert. Always be intelligent. Why should you do anything stupid or think stupid. It’s not going to help you. Being happy does not mean being stupid. Be intelligently happy. Don’t be happy by being a fool. You’ll even end up as a fool. Think of the great role God has given you of A WOMAN. You don’t want to spoil your house and the life of your children. So, from today think and act. Always act and do deeds beautifully. Who knows that they will once be very helpful in your life. I should read a lot and above all never waste my time. Always be busy.

                            23^rd May, 1983 (Mon)

           Tiku Ben’s marriage

It was fun. We got up, got ready and went to the wadi. I had worn Guddi’s Chaniya Choli and it looked just beautiful. Many people were talking that marriage was a wastage of money. It was useless. When it was time for send-off all were crying. I felt sad but couldn’t cry. I hope that doesn’t occur during my marriage. It would be awkward. But I’ll leave future take care of itself.

We came to Masi’s house after that and got ready for reception. Tiku Ben was looking very nice. I spent quite moments thinking about life.

As Malay is going to Bangalore tomorrow we went to Matunga to leave him and take my baggages. Ajay Bhai was there and we had fun. Then we came back to Borivli.

                            24^th May 1983 (Tue)

As I got up early today I slept till 5:00 in the afternoon. The fatigue was because I had washed clothes today. Our servant had also not come. I washed clothes, washed wash-basin, latrine and then watered the plants. Then I finished my story book. I enjoy reading story book but enjoy more when I do work. It shows that I am not selfish.

In the evening I went to the library (two libraries) with Manisha and Charu. Then to the temple with Meena Ben and Meeta ben. And then it was all HOME SWEET HOME.

                            25^th May, 1983 (Wed)

My typing classes were good today. Manisha does it real fast. And I’m back of her. When I came back from my classes, Meena Ben – Meeta Ben had done all house work and so I didn’t have to do anything i.e. why I did some typing and then read the book ‘Success through sex enlightenment’. It was a good book at least I thought so. It taught me a lot.

In the afternoon, Manisha, Minar, Charu and myself we all went to see ‘Lovers’ a film of Padmini and Kumar Gaurav. It was okay. I liked best part about loyalty of Gaurav’s friend. There was a laugh on ‘Kuckdoo Koo’. It was good. Then we went to the library. Samrat library is real good. I met many friends today.

I’m happy nowadays because I do best use of my time and my mind.

                                 26^th May, 1983 (Thu)

Today when I went for my classes it was closed due to Buddha Jayanti and so we had to return. Then I read story books and read everything I wanted. In the afternoon I slept until late. Then Meena, Meeta, Charu, Manisha and myself we went to temple and to the tailors to give Manisha’s churidar. We were making fun about the joke of ‘Lovers’ Then there was a program on TV about Buddha and the men said that Buddha taught us that we were our own light and we should light our own lives. It was interesting. Then we all went to roam in the car with Kaka in Praful Bhai’s car. It was fun.

                                 27^th May, 1983 (Fri)

Today we did have typing classes but I felt somewhat awkward when I saw Manisha so much ahead of me. Then coming back I read book and in the afternoon we all went to National Park. It was fun. We even played Kho-Kho. My black mood of the morning turned completely pink and healthy. Then as it was Yashwant Mama’s birthday we all had dinner together at our place and ice cream. Bhabhi invites all her ‘Piyarwalas’ at the place.

I was excited today because of the idea of going to hostel. I’m sure if I went to a hostel I’d be much happier. I do not like my surroundings and the nature of my relatives especially some of Mummy’s sides and everyone. But then no one must be happy with me also. But I want to live with people who are confident and do not depend on others but do as they want everything confidently. I’m not describing them correctly but I know what I have in mind.

                           28^th May, 1983 (sat)

Today full day we saw video. I went  for my type classes and library. We saw ‘Khubsoorat’, ‘Naram Garam’, ‘Guide’ and Tiku Ben’s marriage. Tomorrow I am going to Mahabaleshwar. I was thinking of staying at home and discover myself (with Meena Kaki) but then I should see real life and not just sit seeing videos. I’ll miss my typing classes. I’ll go to Mahabaleshwar and go for walks and try to discover something there.

                           29^th May, 1983 (sun)

           M A H A B A L E S H W A R

I got up with a jerk as I had to go to Mahabaleshwar and I hadn’t put my clothes into the bag. We set off and met Provin Bhai and reached Mahabaleshwar at 1:30. We saw ‘Lovers’ there and got up and went to Panchgini in the evening. I was thrilled to see the children of the boarding school. In the night it was cold and peaceful atmosphere.

                            30^th May, 1983 (Mon)

We did boating in the morning and then came back walking and after lunch and rest, we went to see some points like Arthur Seat, Tiger and Elphinstone.

                            31^st May, 1983 (Tue)

We went to riding today to Wilson point. Then for boating to the lake and then after lunch rest we saw ‘Masoom’ I enjoyed it very much. Then with Tiku Ben and Pankaj Bhai we went to Polo Ground. It was a beautiful ground. We took cycle from two boys who had come there and we had the time of our life doing cycling. It was real fun.

In the night we played Housie in the hotel and though we had taken 12 tickets we had no luck.

                            1^st June, 1983(wed)

We went to Polo Ground in the morning for riding. I was very frightened at times but I enjoyed myself. But everyone was complaining about pain after that. We went for boating after that and then had rest.

In the evening we did shopping. It was a bit boring as everyone’s temper was a bit high. But we soon got over it and all was fine. Before shopping we had gone to see the garden as we had sat on the rocks near the lake, it started raining and we had to run to the Metador. The weather in night was very good.

                            2^nd June, 1983 (Thu)

I got up early and got ready early so Meena Ben and I went to give Pankaj Bhai’s camera and then as we came back we put our luggage in the matador and reached Panchgini. Hemang was crying a lot. Only I had gone to S.M. Batha with their family. I felt sad for Hemang who had to stay there all alone. From Panchgini we went to the lake and did boating and then went to ‘Hirkani’ where we had a fine lunch. We also saw the orchard. Then we rested and set out for Bombay. We set out at 4:00 and reached at 9:30. I phoned to Bhavna as soon as I reached and then slept.

                                 3^rd June, 1983 (Fri)

We went to Babita’s house today (Bhavna, Kalu) and brought three cassettes of ‘Hamraz’, ‘Umrao Jaan’ and McKenna’s Gold’

I saw Bhavna today and she looks much fair and beautiful. But she’ll soon become used to this boring Borivli. She doesn’t like here nor do I. But I’ll live happily where I am. I hope she does too.

Today morning when I went down to Malati Ben’s house to bring cassette, she just told me there wasn’t any (lie) and closed the door. I felt insulted but I didn’t pity myself.

‘Umra Jaan’ and ‘Humraaz’ was nice. ‘McKenna’s Gold’ was exciting but bad. I didn’t want to see it but couldn’t sleep as all guests were in our terrace. Shh—–?

                           4^th June, 1983 (Sat)

We saw ‘Kanoon’ and ‘Namak Halal’ It was fun. ‘Namak Halal’ was comedy and ‘Kanoon’ was very serious and intelligent movie.

I had gone to typing classes alone today as Manisha had gone to Ghatkopar. I don’t like to go alone anywhere.

I did go to library today.

                            5^th June, 1983 (Sun)

           MOVIE – MOVIE – MOVIE

Yes, I’m getting the fever. Today we saw ‘Vidhaata’, ‘Nikaah’ and the T.V film ‘Bawaarchi’.  ‘Bawaarchi’ was nice and good. At night we didn’t see any movie.

Nowadays I do not feel like writing in my diary because I am not doing anything worthwhile except seeing movies. It’s a bore.

                           6^th June, 1983 (Mon)

Nothing great in today’s life. Tiku Ben had come and we had fun about the problems after marriage.

                       7^th June, 1983 (Tue)

MY BIRTHDAY

Yes, I enjoyed it. Raji, Thereza, Hazel, Bhavna and Rajul had come to have dinner. In the morning we went to the temple before going for typing classes. Typing classes nowadays are boring.

Then we made chocolate icecream and then all Mama’s ghar had come for lunch. In the afternoon our house was crowded and I was feeling a bit moody at the thought of my friends in the crowded room. We saw ‘Rang birangi’ and ‘vidhaata’. It got very late but all of them enjoyed the Pizza. I really love Raji and Hazel and Manisha. All are nice and I wonder why I sometimes get angry but that’s a way of life and I think that nowadays I’m beginning to know many ways of life. I’ve become 17 years old and I should not be Jiddi and selfish in my own way.

                 8^th June, 1983 (Wed)

Today we saw ‘Deewar’ and ‘Avtaar’. Today night it rained and so we all had to get up and sleep inside. I got up late. Bhavna, Rajul and Priti went to Mithiba and brought forms. I wanted to go but didn’t have the mood. Meeta Ben fully passed her S.Y.B. Com. In the evening I went to the library with Manisha. We met Tina on the way and came back together. Then we went to Datta (Daddy, Meeta Ben and myself) for dinner. It was fun. At night Daddy-Mummy and others saw ‘Avtaar’. I had seen it so I slept.

                 9^th June, 1983 (Thurs)

Today in the evening and night, I saw ‘Snake in the Monkey’s Shadow’. I learnt from the movie that I should never give up.

In the morning we were discussing about college and Meeta Ben asked me to read Commerce books and find out if I liked it. I’m going to take commerce. I hope I get 78% (I hope it’s not asking for too much) I do so much want to go to N.M.

So, in the evening I went to Bhavna’s house, from there to Dwarka (only two of us) and from there to Mama’s house (to bring Tinu’s books) and then  to temple. I envied Meena – Meeta (Ben) for their confidence and I had to go a long way to reach their category. I have to be patient and plan my way to success and happiness.

                 10^th June, 1983 (Fri)

Today after my typing lessons, I went with Bhavna to Chinai to bring forms. We didn’t know the way but we met Kuntal who took us there and there we met Babita (who took our forms for us) and came back with us. She was merry and lively and I enjoyed her company. In the afternoon we saw ‘Panchvi Manzil’ (a horror movie) and then I went to temple and then library with Sonal. In the night we saw ‘Jaws I’ It was a fine movie as all English movies are.

In the evening I was in a hilarious mood. Life is fun.

                 11^th June, 1983 (sat)

Today Malay-Bhavin came and I went to take them from the airport. We saw Poonam Dhillon there. I slept in the afternoon and on getting up sat to study about our ‘Dharm’. Then I went to roam with Sonal, Bhavna and Vaishali. We went to temple, Shadow studio, Goyal, Sagar Studio, Gohil tailor and then to bidding. I was in the mood of roaming and I really enjoyed it.

 12^th June, 1983 (Sun)

Today morning I read papers and after seeing T.V. and getting bored, I lazed around.  We had to have lunch at Kanu Mama’s house as Pankaj Bhai was to come and then we saw ‘Taraana’ at home. Then T.V. film ‘Aap Ke Diwane’ and then ‘From Russia with Love’ (007). It was a stupid and bore movie. Tiku Ben and Malati Ben had come and we sat to talk. I love to listen to talks and like to join them.

                           13^th June, 1983 (Mon)

Today morning when Mona told me Best of Luck for my results all my fears appeared. A Jyotisi (astrologer) had come who told me that I would study and would go to foreign. I was glad. Then in the afternoon when we were seeing ‘Dirty Dozens’, Miss Jacinta’s phone came and she told me that I got 78%. I was in the sky. Bhavna got 65%. It seems that Raji failed. I was really sad for her. I couldn’t sit still till I got ready and went out. I went with Sonal to her school and then  to Bhavna’s house. Then we went to school. But we didn’t know our marks. When I came back I was a little dissatisfied with myself. When I get too much success it goes to my head.

                            14^th June, 1983 (Tue)

Today morning we went to school for the marksheets and then for Xerox copies and then to MVLU to bring Bhavna’s form. It was exciting. I was very tired. We had to have lunch at Yashwant Mama’s place and then we all saw the movie ‘Johar Mehmood in Goa’ It was a nice movie. Then I studied from Ben. Then we made icecream and then after dinner, Tina had come and we chatted. The others were seeing the movie ‘The day of the Jackal’ Then we went to leave Tina. I was very tired.

                            15^th June, 1983 (Wed) 

I got my admissions to N.M. and all the thanks goes to Kaka. If we alone had gone at 6:00 then we would never have got admissions. Kaka was standing from 10:00 last night. I’m really thankful to him. I paid my fees and got my two cards. Oh, I hope it will be exciting and nice. It is all thanks to God. Yes, there is God, the greatest. Bhavna didn’t get her admission so we’ll try tomorrow.

After I came from college I phoned Raji and asked her news. She has been helped by everybody. Then I went to sleep and after lunch I slept again.  Meeta Ben went to Nirmala Niketan to take Meena Ben’s admission. I went to Bhavna’s house in the evening and then with Praful Bhai to meet father of Don Bosco. After Chhaya Geet it started raining and the weather is very nice at present after today’s terrible heat.

                                16^th June, 1983 (Thu)

Today morning we went to MVLU for Bhavna. They had boards that all admission were closed but we waited. It was boring but at last Bhavna’s mummy went to the principal and Bhavna got her admission.

Then we came back. Mummy had gone to Mulund and I happily did all work. Then I slept and I then got ready to go out. I went out with Vaishali and Bhavna.

Then I went to help Lata Masi as Malay was going to have dinner there and then I had my periods. I hope I’ll be the same after this. I’ll always keep myself busy because:

A Busy tree may get tired by body,

But it’ll never get tired by heart.

                                 17^th June, 1983 (Fri)

Today in the morning we finished the movie ‘Chor Police’ which we had left half yesterday. Then I went with Kailash Ben to Don Bosco. Then even Mummy had her periods and there was no one to do work. Mami did the chapattis and I did the needle-work. I slept in the afternoon and then Meena Ben and Meeta Ben came due to which my time passed off quickly. It rained heavily today and Meeta Ben got wet. We saw ‘Andhaa Kanoon’ in the night. Bhavna doesn’t have admissions anywhere. I hope she gets it soon.

                                 18^th June 1983 (Sat)

Today morning I knew that it would be a full day at home. In the morning we saw the movie ‘Enter the ninja’ (too much violence). Then in the afternoon we saw ‘Nishaan’ at Kailash Ben’s house. Then at home. At night we saw a military film which was good. Then I felt tired. Narottam Bhai had called for icecream because I had passed and we all ate it.

                                 19^th June 1983 (Sun)

There was a movie on T.V. ‘Baxter’ about a boy who as he didn’t have caring parents made good friends and was mentally sick. It was touching. I did my cupboard today. I am lucky and I’m going to make the best use of it. Today in the evening it was the movie ‘Zid’. We saw half and then went out to roam. It was fun. Then Masi and all had come. Masi gave me one Sheaffer pen and ball pen. I really enjoyed the time while they were there. Life is fun.

                                 20^th June 1983, (Mon)

My head was spinning in the morning. But soon after I had my bath I felt refreshed. Rupa’s and Geeta’s phone had come. I was excited as tomorrow will be my first day at college. I helped Mummy and after lunch went with Bhavna t MVLU. Though we didn’t do anything we enjoyed ourselves. Then I slept and then went with Meeta Ben to temple. It was raining heavily today and I enjoyed it. I was very tired and just slept and Meeta Ben had to do all the night chores.

                                 21^st June 1983 (Tues)

I went to college today. There were many girls from my school. But I was somewhat unsatisfied. I must be having that no-confidence. But I have to and I will fight it.

Babita had come in the evening and we had such great fun talking with her. I so much envy Babita. I would give anything to be exactly like her. But I’ll not give up trying to be what I want though I do not feel at all confident at present.

I went to Bhavna’s house after that and seeing Bhumpi reading a Hardy Boys book, I asked her for it as books always help me to overcome moodiness. Then we went to Rajul’s house and enjoyed there. She gave me two pens as my late present. When I came back Mummy, Meena Ben and Meeta Ben were going out and they asked me to have dinner. At dinner rice and dal was there but no kakdi nu Shakh (It was over) I remembered the times when Mummy used to keep it for Malay. I wanted to tell her on face but should I? I just thank God for giving me courage to get over it soon.

                      22^nd Jun 1983 (Wed)

Today I had that feeling where I felt that I was burning inside. I was fed up with everything. I wanted to run away.

I put oil in my hair and then tried my best to work cheerfully. Then after Ketan Bhai came I forgot myself as we saw a movie of Alfred Hitchkock. Then Ba had come and we studied. Then I went to Bhavna’s house to give Penda and then to Hansa Masi’s house with Bhavna. I don’t know why but I had the feeling that I was not making a good impression and I was very much upset. When I came home I said I wouldn’t go to anybody’s house to give Penda. Then I went with Bhavna to Kandivli. I really enjoyed there. When I came home I found that Meena Ben and Meeta Ben had gone to give Penda’s to Mama’s house. I wanted to go there with them. But they do not like me coming and I do not like to go alone. They both have such nice company. But I’ve my own self and I can do whatever I want and why shouldn’t I?

                      23^rd Jun 1983 (Thu)

Meeta Ben and myself, we went today to give pendas everywhere. First to Appa Bhai’s house then to Miss Jacinta’s place. They had a great day there but I enjoyed it. They had a great dog there but I enjoyed it. Then we went to PL’s place, then to Flory’s house. Then we took my pass and we met Atul Bhai there who bought us home by his car. Then Mota Bhabhi had come and we enjoyed there.

Bhavna still hasn’t got admission. I was trying my best for her but I did get impatient today.

Mota Bhabhi was talking about Indira Masi and family who is on a bad phase of life and I felt sad with life.

A thief had come to our building and our Gurkhaji caught him beat him but left him without the police. He didn’t tell where he had kept the stolen car wipers. But they found it.

We have bought ‘Souten’ cassette today and I hope to enjoy it.

Meeta Ben told me about a girl who was walking completely nude on the streets. Her face was shameful and she seemed to come from a good family.

 The root of all my troubles and my weaknesses is that I’m impatient. I should learn to be patient and soon all my troubles will be gone.

Patience will lead me to success and if not success to a happy living.

Yesterday I felt that I was inferior and sad and I wrote that. But an hour later after I went with Meeta Ben and Meena Ben to Mama’s house, all my troubles forgotten and after I came back we watched TV. The cricket match was fun. We won in the semi finals against England. I was high in the air. And I couldn’t believe that not five hours ago I was down in my dumps. If I had patiently waited (not making wrong conclusions) I would have saved a lot of evergy and unhappiness.

When I am sad I should remember:-

1. i) to be patient
2. ii) remember lucy

iii) my dreams, my ambitions

v) trip to Nainital

vi) forget and gorgive and do not be proud. Remember film Abhimaan.

 I read two ‘Teenagers’ and two articles about ‘Shyness’ and ‘super teen’. The author said that there was nothing like super teen and that you can be as great as anybody if you want to even when you are 65. And first of all do not quit. Go on trying.

You should not be shy. It is not a thing that should just be with you, but you should try to get it out from you.

                            24^th Jun 1983 (Fri)

Today morning we finished our work fast and Indira Masi and Nayu had come. We had fun with their talks. Hearing their talks made me feel that being good always has its happiness.

As we had not seen ‘Souten’ yesterday (we saw a gujarati drama – natak) we saw it today.

In the evening I went to Bhavna’s house. Today full day it was raining heavily and trains were closed. Bhavna, Meeta Ben, Babita and Priti had gone to see about Bhavna’s admission but no good result  and at last they had to fill Government’s form. I ate at Bhavna’s place. I enjoyed there.

Today we are going to see ‘Mad Monkey Kung Fu’

                            25^th Jun 1983 (Sat)

INDIA – A WORLD CHAMPION IN CRICKET

‘ India is world champion in cricket’. It won the Prudential cup today. From morning there was excitement. At 3:05 when it started and India batted it looked hopeless that India would win. But when the west Indies played the victory became ours. At the end all were happy and it was like a Diwali night. All whistles and Hip Hip Hoorays could be heard. It was a really victory of which all Indians will be proud of!

                            26^th Jun 1983 (Sun)

Today was a day of experiences. Today was Pooja’s party and Meena Ben and Malay went in the afternoon. Meena Ben wanted to Malay to go with her. I wanted to go at first but then I was in no mood. There was a movie on TV ‘Prem vivah’. It was a nice comedy movie. It taught me to be what you are. And let other people and yourself adjust. Then we went to Raj Mahal with Yashwant Mama and family. It was fun especially I wore a churidar which looked nice. Tomorrow is my first day at college.

                      27^th June, 1983 (Mon)

Today from the morning, I was excited to be going to college. But Meeta Ben came with the news that our college is starting from 1^st July.

I was feeling that I should have gone to Pooja’s birthday. Ketan Bhai said that what was the use of these stupid moods.

In the afternoon I went with Meeta Ben to see ‘Fedora’ at Oscar. I enjoyed the movie and better still the crowd and my confidenceness. It was beautiful. The train was too much crowded. Then Bhavna had come home and we chatted and as we had made Pav Bhaji today, Bhavna had dinner with us. Now I hope I’ll do something exciting tomorrow. If I don’t, I feel dull and boring.

                 28^th June, 1983 (Tue)

Though I didn’t do anything exciting today, it was a happy day.

I’m becoming a bit lazy today. I fet up late and do things slowly but it could be because I have so little to do. But I get a headache when I read too much otherwise I do love reading books.

Meeta Ben had gone with Guddi for her admissions to MVLU from 10:30 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. They were very tired when they came back.

In the evening I had gone with Meena Ben to do some shopping and to temple. We came back and chatted with Tina near our building. Then Guddi and Meeta Ben came and I went with Guddi to her place. I ate Sabudana’s Khichdi at their place and then came back and saw ‘Kalia’ at our house.

Today, when we were standing down in the evening, Bhavesh came and started putting records. He is such a boy that I wonder how people like to bend so low.

                 29^th June, 1983 (Wed)

Today morning Meena Ben had gone to MVLU with Guddi.

In the afternoon I went with Bhavna to MVLU. It was real fun. We enjoyed ourselves and came back. Then I saw ‘Film Hi Film’ on video.

Then we saw the classis movie ‘Dil Ek Mandir’. It was tragedy movie. But a serious one and though I felt sad, I didn’t or couldn’t cry.

Nowadays I’m hearing tales of girls who become mavalis. Ketan Bhai got a note from someone called Aarti who wanted to be friends with Ketan Bhai. Atul used to get phones from girls. After seeing the movie ‘Dil Ek Mandir’ I can see the difference between the then pure girls and the now passionately low becoming girls of India. The boys of those days were just great and nowadays ….. just incredible.

 30^th June, 1983 (Thu)

Bhavna had slept here today. At 9:30 I went with Bhavna to MVLU.  I had taken a plait and it looked beaytiful. I enjoyed there but I got tired and Bhavna didn’t get her admission. We even went to N.M. but I felt a bit awkward and out of place. But I’ll have to act normal if I want to be good. We came home at 3:00 and I slept afterwards.

Then I saw the movie ‘Mind your language’. It was a very beautiful movie. It was about the errors of language. The acting of all was frank, normal and touching. I could see it for 10 times.

Then I saw ‘Mr. Natwarlal’.

Roopa had come when I had gone to MVLU.

                      1^st July, 1983 (Fri)

‘A day which was not as good as expected’

I was very excited in the morning as today was my first day of college. In the morning I was in high spirits and got ready pretty well. Babita and Kailash Ben were asking what I was going to wear. I was quite happy.

When I went it was raining heavily. Minu was with me and she was acting a bit touchy today. I hope she changes. I met many girls of school on the platform and our compartment looked like that of our own school. It was a nice feeling.

I can’t say that I enjoyed college today. I just didn’t mix up and I was in no mood. But I was once more happy when I came back home and I am full of resolution at present.

Our video is gone to Avanti.

 2^nd July, 1983 (Sat)

‘A day which was almost as good as expected’

I had gone to college today and I did feel a lot lonely in my class but I made friends soon. I did have some kind of complex but I did my best. In the evening we went to Vanita Mami’s house. We saw ‘Abhimaan’ today. It was a beautiful movie. It taught me never to be proud but live by doing what you are expected of doing. I’m learning nowadays that girls should be feminine (i.e be under limits)

                     3^rd July, 1983 (Sun)

Today morning I was in the mood of doing work. I did all work and then read papers. Then Appa Bhai and family were coming for lunch and our time passed. There is a terribe flood in Gujarat and people hadcome to collect clothes and food. There was a movie on TV ‘Seema’ (a bore) Then Babita had come and we went to leave her and to the tailors   to stitch Guddi’s clothes. Then we went to Guddi’s house to return the things her mummy had given because of our trouble in getting Bunty’s and Guddi’s admission. But she didn’t take back the watch and gave Meeta Ben a piece of dress material.

                     4^th July, 1983 (Mon)

‘A busy and confident day’

I had gone in the morning with Bhavna, her mummy and Bunty to Don Bosco for Bunty’s admission.

Then we came at 11:30 and very fast I got ready and went to college. In the train, I felt that I didn’t want to go to college. I was fed up especially because of Geeta and group who want me to be as goody-goody as before. But my hed helped me.

Even my first period was free and I was in my dumps, but I prayed and soon was in good spirits. I sat with Rajul and Tarjini. In French period I sat with Christine and I liked her. I’ll sit with her from tomorrow. I will not be so closed-closed but talk. Then when I came back home we went to temple and then to tailor to give Bhavna’s clothes. Kapil Dev and team mates came to India today from England and there was an overwhelming reception from  their successful cricket trip.

                5^th July, 1983 (Tue)

Today morning was a bit bore. But I did my French homework and the time passed. Then I got ready but we missed our daily train and I walked to the college with two girls as I hate to walk alone.

I sat today behind Mala and Smruti and Sonia sat beside me. We had the third lecture free and I went out. I met Minu, Sujatha and Rekha and we went to Gurudev. After recess we had Maths and the sir asked all of us our names, percentage and marks in Maths. I felt proud of my marks. The last lecture was free and I came to station. Razia and Prema were with me in the train.

After coming home I went with Meeta Ben to market. Then dinner. Then Guddi’s mummy had come to give dinner set to Praful Bhai for giving Bunty’s admission and then  we saw ‘Katha’. But we only saw half of it as it was a bit bore.

                6^th July, 1983 (Wed)

Today in college I had many experiences. I went with Smruti and group to roam about as we had first two periods free. In the recess I was with Rupa and group and we ate sandwich and Kala Khatta sherbet. It was fun. Then I had to come all alone in the train as Minu had one lecture free. I met Rajeshree, Violet, nerifa and Aruna.

Then after coming home I went to temple with Meena, Meeta and Malati Ben. Then I went with Meeta Ben to the station to bring her pass. I nowadays tell Meeta Ben everything and I really enjoy it.

Then Bhavna had come to give Pendas. Today was Bunty’s first day at school, alone.

 

7^th July, 1983 (Thu)

In the morning I asked God to make a happy day as I was going to see movie ‘Gandhi’ today.

I got ready and went to Bhavna’s place when Manish acme to tell me that we were not to go to the movie and that I could got to college. I didn’t by all cost want to go to college but I wore Meeta Ben’s clothes and they looked nice and I enjoyed my hours in college because of the satisfaction of myself and the respected look of others. Bhavna met me in the train. Today there had been some accident in the railway so our train was standing on the station and we all got down in the middle and with Bhavna, I came home. All others went their own way. It was raining heavily and I enjoyed in it.

I was just thinking that I’ve had all good friends till now in my life Tina, Raji, Bhavna, Hazel —– and I hope I get more like them.    

                     8^th July 1983 (Fri)

The daily routines today. Home-College-Home-Temple-Home-Sleep

                      9^th July 1983 (Sat)

Today was Bhavna’s birthday. I wished her in the morning and then we went to temple with Bhavna and Bunty. Then I bought Bhavna’s churidar and went to college wearing it. I came early from college and then went to Bhavna’s house for the party. I gave Bhavna a churidar piece. Then I went to Matunga to Kanak Kaki’s house as she has done operation.

                                 10^th July 1983 (Sun)

I was at Kanak Kaki’s house and I worked and enjoyed my time. I saw the movie ‘Abdullah’ and we had gone to Megh Mahal.

At night we saw Kanak Kaki’s marriage album. It was fun to see all the ‘Manibens’. Then I went to Avanti.

                                 11^th July 1983 (Mon)

Today full day I was at Avanti. We saw ‘Vijeta’ (a beautiful movie about military). It did teach me a lot. And E.T.(it was fun)

                                 12^th July 1983 (Tue)

At Avanti, in the afternoon we saw ‘Aap to Aise Na The’ and then I came to Borivli. All the people there asked me t stay but I didn’t.

When I reached home I found that Meena and Meeta Ben were going to see ‘Sadma’ and they had given my ticket to somebody else and that Mummy-Daddy had goneto Matunga. I was damn despaired in the time 6-9 that I spent. It was fine then afterwards.

                                 13^th July 1983 (Wed)

Today was an exciting day. In the morning I had put a cooker and there was less water so it got burnt.

Then when I went to college, I attended only first three lectures and then went to Linking road with Minu. I took a skirt from there

Then when we went to Khar station, the trouble started. There was a power cut so trains were not working so we had to go by Riksha to Malad then there was no petrol in the Riksha so at Malad we went to Minu’s friends house and she called her daddy andher daddy picked us up by car and left me at my house. Everybody was tired and uncomfortable. It was very inconvenient for everyone who was stuck. All were very much worried at my house. Anyway it was fun and exciting.

                                      14^th July 1983 (thu)

Today was nothing special.

                                      15^th July 1983 (Fri)

In the morning I got my periods and so the full day was spent at home. I didn’t go to college.

In the afternoon we saw ‘gandhi’ at Kailash Ben’s house. The eight award winner was pretty good.

Then the day just went by. We got our ‘sadma’s’ ticket today and will see it tomorrow.

                                      16^th July 1983 (Sat)

I had gone to college. Our O.C. sir was fun. He sang songs. We had gone to canteen and I felt a bit awkward there, then I came home and then we went to see ‘Sadma’. It was a real interesting movie. It was raining when we came back and we were all wet. But it was fun.

                                      17^th July 1983 (Sun)

Today it was raining and full day was spent in front of TV. I’ll make a list of all the TV films we saw. In the morning there was a film on women liberation and women freedom, then Saptahiki and then a funny movie ‘Million Dollar Hobo’ (there was fine work of a dog)

In the evening we saw sports, then the hindi film ‘Sunayana’, then again there was a TV film against dowry then songs by Bhupinder and then at night about a village ‘Panju’ where people lived happily and bravely without luxuries. I felt ashamed of myself today when I saw thousands of people doing their daily chores after having been bored so many difficulties.

                                 18^th July, 1983 (Mon)

In the morning I went with Bhavna to Don Bosco. It was just a bore and a good for nothing.

Then I got ready and went to college. It was damn boring but I did my best. I came home from the station by Riksha with Bhakti’s mummy.

When I reached home, I was very happy but I had a row with Malay and he beat me badly. I was damn bored of life (I still am) but I soon controlled myself and my tears and went on doing daily work. I was very angry with Malay and don’t want to talk to him but most sadly, I’ll soon forget it.

Mummy makes fuss over Malay and I somewhat feel left out. I feel very low but I catch myself thinking of all those previous experiences and I have seen more of life now then what I had seen before. I’ll change when I want.

                                19^th July 1983 (Tues)

It was just like everyday today. Home-College-and it was raining heavily today. I had gone to Bhavna’s house in the evening.

                                 20^th July 1983 (wed)

Just the usual day. Home-College-Home. I attended only two lectures today and then in the recess we went to shops and saw jewels and pins. I took three greeting cards.

In the TV was a film ‘I’ which was about India and Indian people. It was nice.

                                 21^st July 1983 (Thu)

Today was also like other days but at present I saw a TV documentary about the worries in India. At last they told ‘Siddharth’(Gautam Buddha) that seeing one sick man, one dead body and one ill person you sacrificed life but if you had seen the number of sicks, unhealthy and dead people, we wonder what you would have done.

Today I felt that I was very selfish and I’m ashamed for feeling sad for myself when there are hundreds of people who go on living happily after so much, much more problems than that I have.

                            22^nd July 1983 (Fri)

Today, though it was like everyday else, I always thought that it was nice. When I got up in the morning, life was bore than when I took nice plait and wore my red churidar, life was exciting. I enjoyed in college. Though I still really don’t know what enjoyment really is.

Then after college we went to Queen’s beauty parlour and Minu shaped her eyebrows. It pained her terribly and she felt awkward after it. She didn’t like her face though we (Sujatha and me) didn’t feel any much change.

 Then we came to Borivli and I met Meena Negotia. She was talking something about me not enjoying college life if I would be studious and be strict. I didn’t take much notice.

Then I read magazines at home. I like reading everyday news, nowadays. It is exciting as well as enjoyable and knowledgeable.

                            23^rd July 1983 (Sat)

I didn’t go to college today as I was feeling boring right from the start and put oil today and as it was raining. Today was mummy’s ‘Posa’ We saw ‘Mugha’E’Azam’ today at Kailash Ben’s house. It was a lot of fun.

We had gone to temple in the morning and we went there even in the night. I helped Manisha with Geometry diagrams and enjoyed every moment. Today was fun.

                           24^th July 1983 (Sun)

Today morning I went with Meena Ben to Priya Beauty Parlour and did my first waxing of half legs.. It was fun and the girls there were polite.

In the afternoon we went to Matunga. We went to Megh Mahal to meet Ba, who had come from south and then I went to Avanti. They have bought a new colour TV. It was fun and enjoyable. Ajay Bhai was there and we always enjoy in Ajay Bhai’s company. We went to five garden, ate Pav Bhaji, then roamed and came back. It was a jolly good walk. Then we came home by taxi. Ajay Bhai gave me a list of my ancestors. I’ll treasure it.

                                 25^th July 1983 (Mon)

Today morning I was feeling very bored to go to college. But once I had reached there, I enjoyed it OK. In the morning I had gone to bring clothes from tailor. He made it. Today there had been an accident in my school and they had a holiday. A woman died after having an accident with our school bus. I was much emotionalized.

Nowadays, Bhavna enjoys in college. She has grown bold and happier an I am here being not much happy and making no progress. I pray god to give me patience and courage to go on steadily but surely. O, God, help!

                                26^th July 1983 (Tues)

Today morning I was busy running around and then college as usual. In the recess I decided to move about and was peacefully successful. I bunked the last Eco lecture.

In the evening Mummy was talking about we (our family) being too Bhola-Bhala and that people fooled us. It seemed thatKetan Bhai told mummy not to make tea for him and then he was in the kitchen making tea for himself only of milk. I hope there was no meanness in that. I hate people who do mean things. I felt very insecure when I thought of Ketan Bhai and others being mean. I can’t think how people can be like that? I hope it was nothing like meanness and it has simple explanation.

I read an article(diary) today about a mother to be who said that we should not use medicines jut for  the sake of taking it during pregnancy but we should have a well diet of rice, wheat, milk(1 litre),dal and vegetables. She was successful and I hope to remember this.

                                 27^th July 1983 (wed)

Today I bunked last two lectures in college and we went to Juhu Beach. Minu and Christine were with me. We just strolled about and then ate something. There was some problem about money but I didn’t have the courage and confidence to say it. We were damn tired when we came back. After coming home I went with Malati Ben to temple. Then Bhavna had come and we saw TV. Lucy was fun.

                                 28^th July 1983 (Thu)

It was usual day. Home-College-Home. I nowadays do my sweater and I enjoy it. I do as I want and it comes out fine.

I enjoy college, nowadays.    

                                 29^th July 1983 (Fri)

Today morning I did my ‘sweater’. Then I went to college wearing a top of Meena Ben. I enjoyed in college today. We had first lecture free and Kumund, Usha, Smruti and myself, we went to roam and we enjoyed it. I enjoyed in college. I got back wet at home when we came back. Tina was there with me. Then at night I went in Praful bhai’s car to Dehrasar and then for a roam. It was fun.

Nowadays I enjoy at home as well as college and I think that the key to peacefulness is that life is not at all serious and that you should work hard. Never shun work and live wisely. Above all work, work, work harder.

And remember that whatever God dos, he does it for our own good and above all do not get afraid of anything and at the least of being unhappy.

                                 30^th July 1983 (Sat)

Today we had only three lectures in college. I came back and saw ‘Kranti’ at Kailash Ben’s house. Then at 9:00 we went to see ‘Justice Choudhary’. Kaka had bought the tickets and we saw it. It was fun at times but on the whole it was boring.

                                 31^st July 1983 (sun)

Today was a day full of learning. In the morning there was an English film on TV about a woman who wanted to be free and not a slave of men. Then in the evening we saw ‘Arth’ and it was almost the same thing as morning film. But in this the man leaves wife for another woman. And at last he is left alone as his wife wants to be herself and she didn’t believe in love. She liked living by herself. Seeing this movies made me think a lot and I got moody and was somewhat upset. I’m ashamed of myself for it now. I’ll remember my ambitions. I’ll keep the two movies in mind.

                                 1^st Aug 1983 (Mon)

Today was a usual day. I didn’t feel like getting up in the morning. I read the book ‘Kane and Abel’ It is interesting. Jigar had come in the morning and I liked it. He is so lovable. Today morning I went to college but in the way my chappal broke and we had to come back. Minu came with me. We went at 1:00. In the ladies compartment, at Jogeshwari all male people got in, in the next compartment. But it was frightening. While coming we took we took some Rakhis and we got late and we came home with Sapna. It was fun. Bhavna had come and I was out of all misgivings I had for her in the past days. In her college she is having much fun and I do get jealous of her at times. Shailesh Bhai had come for about 30 minutes.

                            2^nd August 1983 (Tue)

Today we had only 1 period in college as it was SYJC’s election. I went with Minu, Sujatha, Rekha, and another Sujatha to see ‘Sadma’ again. I did not much approve of it but I did go. And I had the most money of all which went and I hope they give it back. It was my weekly allowance (Now daddy has given all three of us 50 Rs. for a month)

                            3^rd August 1983 (wed)

Today we had our election. I voted for Monisha. We were left early and we came home early. It was same afterwards. I’m reading the book ‘Kane and Abel’ and I enjoy it.

 There are three things always to be considered – GOD, WORK, KNOWLLEDGE (It came on radio)

                            4^th August 1983 (Thurs)

It was all same. I’m feeling bored to write same things. I’m back to some of those awful moods and so I can’t do much of what I want to do. But nothing will stop me from keeping my spirits high.

                                 5^th August 1983 (Fri)

It was usual today. In the evening Minu had called to say that there were two extra tickets for ‘Dard Ka Rishta’, but everybody at home said no as it was 6-9 show and in a bad theater. I was damn angry.

 6^th August 1983 (Sat)

Today I didn’t go to college for 3 reasons. But I put oil in my hairs. Nowadays there are too many old buildings falling in Bombay and many lives are spend. Jasmine Bhabhi had come and I enjoyed.

                            7^th August 1983 (Sun)

I finished my book ‘Kane and Abel’ today at night. It will always be in my memory. In the morning I had gone to listen to Bhagtambar. Today there was ‘Kora Kagaz’ on TV. I was eager to see it from morning. It was a nice movie. Though it finished off all too soon.

We had gone to roam till Pai Nagar at night. Parimal Bhai, Malati Ben, Meena Ben, Meeta Ben, tinu, Manisha, Malay and myself. It was fun.

                            8^th August 1983 (Mon)

     I washed my hairs today and went to college with Bhavna. The men had come home to color the freeze. Today we had first two lectures free and Zarana had come and we talked and then she made me feel as if I was boring and she went to talk with somebody else. But I didn’t feel bad. I talked with Swati in the recess. Zarana came with us to the station.

Today was Hemang’s birthday and we had a party there. It was fun as always when we all get together.

                            9^th August 1983 (Tues)

Today I had an exciting day, at least by meeting people. I had gone to Mithibai in the recess and we saw a four month old (in mother’s stomach) at the laboratory. It was interesting. I bunked last lecture and we had first two lectures free. I had worn my black churidar and it looked beautiful and nice.

At night, Bhabhi, Meena Ben, Meeta Ben and myself were talking about how Ketan Bhai and Shailesh Bhai were not working and just had no ambitions and if they do have they are just taking life easy and not working hard. Bhabhi said that in order to settle for a good job, daddy and Mahendra Kaka had to work very hard. I wonder what ever will happen in this world and at this present time I’m not at all happy to live in it.

                                 10^th August 1983 (wed)

I read the book ‘Family Holiday’ by Denise Robins. And I hope always to remember the bravery and loyalty and members of that family. I hope I do.

Today I had somewhat awkward relation with Minu. It seems as if she is bored with me, as if I’m bored with her. But with my earlier experience I’ll know that our relation will not end but go on badly, slowly and badly. Oh! How I hope my life was as free and I felt independent. But I’m going to try and always think that whatever God does, he does for your own good.

I like the wordings of this song :

Pyar kiya nahin jata, ho jata hai

Dil Diya nahin jata, kho jata hai

           (movie ‘Woh Saat Din’)

                                 12th August 1983 (Fri)

Today Kaka CAME from Dubai and bought color TV and 2 videos. At night we were adjusting the TV and we saw ‘Khuddar’ (a little bit)

It was raining heavily today and there was announced that there may be a cyclone. All the lakes of Bombay are overflowing and there is danger of it goes on raining for 2-3 days more.

 13^th Aug 1983 (sat)

Today I didn’t go to college. And I’m damn bored at present though I’m not sad. But people of this world are so selfish and think only of themselves. I want to be good and have that happy-go-lucky feeling but I just can’t play the right cards. A book said that people who quit with life start blaming others for having good things out of life and they feel that they are just not fit for life. But it all depends on what you think. But I’m so weak of mind that I can’t even solve one of the main problems of my sadness. I’m going to cry out my problems at night, today. Maybe I’ll feel better afterwards. Today once or twice when I had that feeling of burning inside me, I prayed to God and it did help.

 

                                     14^th Aug 1983 (sun)

Today was a day of rest. We saw two movies at Lata Masi’s house. I was a bit satisfied with life today. In the afternoon I slept for 3 hours. At night, Meena Ben, Meeta Ben and Malay went to Kiku’s but I didn’t go. Meena Kaki (they have come today for tomorrow’s occasion) said it was because I was very straight girl. She doesn’t know how much I like to go out. I realized how little people know what they talk. I enjoyed sitting and talking with them. It was fun.

 

                                     15^th August 1983 (Mon)

     ‘Apni liye hi jina kya o jina’

     Today I had my periods. Today we had ‘Parna’ for all who did ‘Attham’ and all Matungawalas had come. I felt very bored sitting all alone at home. Kalu had bought photos of Nainital. It was fun seeing them. Bhupat Kaka and all had stayed till 3:00. At Lata Masi’s house we saw ‘Evil Dead’ and it was horrible and though I saw very little of it I’m frightened now. We had seen half of ‘Himmatwala’ yesterday and we had slept late. I had cried to sleep yesterday because I felt as if I was being taken off as granted. I got damn wild and I couldn’t sleep almost whole night.

Today was independence day and I saw Indira Gandhi hoisting the flag and I simply love hearing the nation-waking songs. It gives me a sense of patriotism which is only at rare times. I want to do something worthwhile, but what —-?

                                      16^th August 1983 (Tue)

Today I was in good moods and I was very happy at college. I wonder when I’ll get over this moods. But it is so much fun to be happy. But I should never make too much about it. I’m starting to discover all things of life. I came to know what proudness was and I somewhat got over it. Then when I was small and in that sad phase of life, I used to have moments when I felt that I should face everybody and that moment gave me a sense of happiness. And now I know that that quality was courage. If you have courage then you have the happiest quality of life. So whatever the trouble or wherever you are, always have courage. Do not be a weakling and never think of yourself as somebody lower than men. Always be brave and courageously face trouble. But above all face all calamities. Never be frightened or lose heart. Try, try you can go on trying till the end.

                                 17^th August, 1983 (Wed)

 Today morning I was full of courage-courage, but I did have moments of weakness. But I’ll not lose hope because I know that one cannot build a mountain in one day.. I’ll keep on trying. Today morning I got up and washed my hairs and then I saw a bit of ‘Ashanti’ at Manisha’ place. Then I went to college. I was late as I had to call Minu and we missed our train and so I bunked first lecture. Then we had last lecture free and I came home. I worked a lot. I hope to reduce my hips and grow the upper part of the body.

Now for today’s current news:

The rain stopped after one month’s continous showers and there was danger if it would have gone on. Then mummy, who had fallen down twice (she feels very awkward and somewhat ashamed when she falls) is wounded and it pains her. I hope she gets well soon. Then today Daddy is doing research on a boy for Meena Ben. I just can’t make nyself believe that we’ll all have to separate one day. Oh! It’ll be such a sad life for girls. I hope we all three find good people to lean on and lend our shoulders.

                                      18^th August, 1983 (Thu)

I was full of ambitions today. I again had that mood of being what I was and accept myself as I am and also let others accept me as I was. I knew that I would be popular and peaceful just by that.

I went to college today and as we were left early, I went out and bought Rakhis for Lata Masi. She liked them.

After coming home, I was in happy mood. I worked, went to temple and then with Meeta Ben to library. I was damn tired. Then I did some cleaning up and then I’m going to sleep. I hope tomorrow will be successful and courageousfull and acceptfull.

                                                                                                       19^th August 1983 (Fri)

Today I got up and did work after work and then Bhavna came and I had fun with her. Then we both went down and she went to take Bunty and I went to college.

In the college, Sangita was very rude and I felt very angry at her but I did not feel self-pity and I boldly tried to be happy. In the recess, Vidhya was talking and I enjoyed talking to her. We were discussing about our class people. We were discussing about our class people. Then I came home and went with Bhavna (who had come to see ‘dard Ka Rishta’ at Kailash Ben’s house) to ‘Dwarka’ and then with Meena Ben to temple. Then we saw Chhaya Geet and then at Lata Masi’s house to see ‘Naukar Biwi Ka’ (a bore movie)

Tomorrow I am going to Matunga. I don’t feel like it. But I want to go just for experience.

                                      20^th Aug 1983 (sat)

(‘Who 7 Din’ was a gorgeous movie)

Today was a fun day. I had gone to Matunga and had lunch there. Then I went to see ‘Who 7 din’ with Kalu, Rupal, Kavita, Amita, and Almona. We had fun there. I like Kalu’s friends. Even I’m going to try and make good friends. I keep reminding myself that people who always look good and who act too smart and all are not good. Good people are those who make you feel good. We came to Borivli with Mahendra Kaka. Everybody had come here for tomorrows Bhagtambar and it was good.

                                      21^st August 1983 (Sun)

Today we all had to get up early and we had to go to temple. I did ‘Tika’ for everybody and Dipa gave money. I was angry at Meena Ben, Meeta Ben and Kalu for their selfishness. Sometimes I wish even I was selfish. But I think even I should be selfish at times. We had all goneto Powai lake as it overflows and there it is like falls of water. We go and get drenched there. We enjoyed. Then there was ‘Kalyug’ in TV. It was good.

                                      22^nd Aug 1983 (Mon)

Today Kalu was there here and my full morning was passed happily and I didn’t feel bored. Then Meena Ben, Kalu and myself we went together out. Then I went to college and as we had first lecture, our group was talking and I enjoyed myself. Then it was college as usual. Last lecture they were fooling in the class. ButI didn’t feel so carefree. Then I bought Rakhis while going home as tomorrow is ‘Raksha Bandhan’ It’s a holiday.

Today was Malay’s birthday and Meeta Ben gave a beautiful keychain to him. He was very happy. His school’s father (as he goes to Christian school) gave him a book and there was an article in it which told us about 6 things that makes a person miserable. And it was all I need and for the first time in my life I came to know that I was not something unusual and awkward. But everybody suffers from the sickness ‘miserable’ and  I’ll now be able to do something in life without worrying and happily.

                                      23^rd August 1983 (Tue)

Today it was ‘Rakshe Bandhan’ and I got up early and heard rakhi songs on radio. It was just like Sundays. I tied Rakhi to Malay and got Rs. 51/-. Then I went to tie Rakhi to Bunty. They had got all Pooja things ready. But Bunty didn’t let them do anything. He let only me tie a Rakhi and then while going to school he told his mummy that he didn’t want to tie all Rakhi’s together. I went with Bhavna to temple and then with Manisha to take video cassette. We bought’Entity’ and after doing all work I went to see it. It was about a lady who had the sensation that somebody was raping her. It was a true story and the lady still lives. It was a frightening thought.

We went to the Gorai Khadi in the evening as there was nothing else to do and Mukesh had come. It was too boring for words and I had that silly feeling that I was not a good company. It was sickening. But I somehow took it lightly and here I am today again to live on and on with my happiness and sadness.

                                      24^th August 1983 (Wed)

Today I tried my best not to become impatient and despair and though I got many disappointments today I lived upto my patience. I did get many happiness also today and I hope my days and life are like this, full of happiness and sadness but the only wish I want is that I can choose good friends and at the time of disappointment I can turn to them or they can console me. But I don’t seem to know how to choose friends andI just let people stick to me and I stick to people. I can’t make friends even with those whom I want to. I’ll have to improve. And I think I can if I want to.

Today I was notfeeling like getting up (a mistake I’ll have to overcome by courage and confidence) and then I went to college and all was same. I went to temple and asked God to make me confident and give me brains to know my enemies and friends and the courage to stay far from my enemies or at least stay aloof.

‘Raat bite phir hoge ujale, phir mat girma o girnewale

Bhool sabhi se hoti aaye, hai kaun jisne na thokar khaye,

Samjota gamo se karlo, zindagi me gam bhi milte hai…..’

                                      25th August 1983 (Thu)

Today I made a big judgement and learnt a truth about life. I used to feel that by making somebody sad in life or by refusing a proposal of friendship by someone whom I don’t like to be with was an act of selfishness. But I know that in this life all have to learn to find a suitable place for themselves and grow. You don’t have to live in a place where somebody wants you to be in. If you do so, you’ll be making two persons unhappy, one yourself and other the one whom you are donating something. Because you won’t be satisfied and happy with the person nor the person will be satisfied with himself. It is this kind of people who do not make the world sporty and lively. So always remember, always make yourself happy, do not go back in helping people but do not make yourself helpless in the process.

Today morning I had worn Priti’s blouse and Bhavna’s skirt for college. Everybody liked the blouse. Then I had gone to Sai Baba Mandir with Bhavna. Outside the mandir there were some mavali boys. One of them came to us and offered us Prasad. I took it (I felt very much ashamed that I gave up so easily) But Bhavna fought with and asked him why he wasn’t offering everybody and he gave up. I admired Bhavna for that. I saw ‘Bobby’

                                      26^th August 1983 (fri)

Today was ‘Paroi Palati’ and so a holiday. In the morning it was very boring but then we had to go to Mama’s house for lunch and it became lively then. Then at 2:00 Bhavna, Manisha and myself we went to Linking road. It was very hot and at start, I was in no mood for roaming. But a salesman was lively and made me lively and then all went smoothly. We had gone to a hotel and then traveling in the train was fun. Then I came home and rested and then went to temple and from there straight to Bhavna’s house as it was her Mummy’s birthday. It was very much refreshing and joyful there. Whenever I go there I have a feeling that they like my being there and I always like their chit-chatting. It is fun. Then I came back home at 9:30 and then it was an end of a day, a busy and happy one if not successful. I wonder how much satisfaction I will get when I do be successful in life. I wonder if I’m going any step further for my success. I should be like that squirrel who has to live only two years and who is always busy with her work and exploring and learning everything she can.

                                     27^th August 1983 (Sat)

Today was a fine day. I went to college and as Charu Ben was coming I wanted to come home soon but I attended all four lectures and I had gone to leave Smruti with vidhya, half way to the station. I like Vidhya. I hope we become close to each other. Then we met Charu Ben at Dwarka. We went there and I played with Puja. I bought her home alone and she cried a lot for Mummy. In the night Shailesh Bhai, Kalu, Varsha Bhabhi and kanak Kaki’s family came and we had a hell of fun at home. It was fun,fun,fun.

                                      28th Aug 1983 (Sun)

Today morning was a happy one and full morning was fine. We had gone to the temples with Ba in Naik’s taxi. It was fun. Then we saw ‘Betaab’ at Lata Masi’s place. It was a good movie and I realized how much I wanted a lover. Then all said Bye-Bye and went. It was very boring after that. The Sunday movie was boring. We had gone to the temple with Kailash Ben. There Meena Ben was telling Kailash Ben that Jasmine Bhabhi was pregnant and I was disappointed that I had to get the news by chance. I felt out of place and felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere. Then at the temple I saw a man patting a cow and all at once I realized everybody’s sadness and then it was not so bad.

                                      29^th Aug 1983 (Mon)

Today morning I got up in a bad mood. I was reading the book ‘Prodigal daughter’ and all at once my mood was off. The real reason was that in the book the girl was proud and she made a mistake of showing it and she went wrong and then when she fell, her governess pulled her out of it beautifully and she was a success again. I was foolish but I got angry and I cried. The crying helped. And when I went to college, I was lookinging beautiful and I was in a good mood also. Life was fun. While coming back from college, Meeta Ben was in my train. After coming home, we three went to temple and then to stitch clothes. I was damn miserable and I thought I was finding a way out of it but of all miracles, I was soon out of it and was happy. I know it was somewhat foolish and stupid, but it is how it was.

                                30^th August 1983 (Tue)

Today was an ordinary day. In TV, I saw a programme of interview with a woman  who was trying and utilizing her time as much as she could. She said that there was so much to do in this world that there was no time for waste. She did gardening, reading books, social service, flower-collecting, going for long walks and knowing people and drawing. It was so exciting that I could only wish I was in her place.

                                 31^st August 1983 (wed)

Today I was feeling very boring in college so I bunked last two lectures and came home. Then it was all fine. I saw ‘Who 7 din’ again. It was fun.

                                 1^st Sept 1983 (Thur)

It was a beautiful day. We had a holiday today because of ‘Gokulashtami’. It was Minar’s birthday so we were running about to bring everything for icecream. Then at 3:00 we went by taxi to walkeshwar. First we had gone to Dehrasar and then to Bhupat Kaka’s place. It was very nice there and I was in the best of moods and I was looking good. Then we went with Manoj to InterShoppe and then to Benzer. It was fun. In Benzer, there were beautiful dresses but triple prize. Then we went to Tiku Ben’s house and then Masi’s place. It was about 12:15 when we reached home. Meena Ben and Malay had not come with us.

                                 2^nd September 1983 (Fri)

I read a book today about astrology. And they had given prediction about those born on 25^th May, 7^th June, and 16^th June together. It was so much fun. I was discovering a new self when I read it. It was exactly the truth. It gave me one advise that do not choose a man who has good lips but that which has your thoughts in his eyes . It was said that I would live a long life and the only problem will be the time of depression that I suffer from and that I can get over it with a bit of common sense. It also said about those moments when I knew whose letter it was before opening and all those small six-senses I had. It is a special treat from God (I think). It also advised me that was humble but do not let people take you for granted. It said that I felt I was out of fashion but that you were ahead of time. It was fun reading it.

                                      3^rd September 1983 (Sat)

Today was first day of ‘Padyushan’ andI had a fast. It was all God-God today. I did feel a bit sick in the afternoon and night but it was fun. When we had gone for Pratikaman, it was badof us to make comments during it but I somewhat felt fresh after that. At night, I was dreaming and waiting for tomorrow night. Bhabhi had her periods today.

                                      4^th September 1983 (sun)

As soon as I got up, I helped Meena Ben a bit and we soon ate and drank sharbat and Mag Pani. It made us fresh and then we went to temple. Then we ate and slept in the afternoon. We saw the movie ‘Kali Ghata’ and then we went to two temples one at Mandpeshwar and other Jambli gali in Naik’s taxi. Then we came back.  I was in the mood of working. Then I saw ‘Bekarar’ at Lata Masi’s place. I learned that donot repent that people do not like you. If they do not like you then maybe they are not good for you orjust not fit for you. You be what you are supposed to be.

                                      5^th September 1983 (Mon)

I got up today full of resolutions that I had made last night. But at 7:00, Mummy woke me as Meena Ben also had periods and she woke me to tell me to work. Meeta Ben was working and I got up fast and helped her. Today was Meeta Ben’s third fast. But she managed to wash her hair and go to temple. I went with Bhavna to temple. Then I wore Bhavna’s midi and went to college. Mami had come to work. I was feeling very boring in college. But we had half day because of Teacher’s day and I and Minu went to beauty shop and bought rubbers and then I had gone to Minu’s home and then she had come to my house. She wanted to make a midi and Meeta Ben told her a good pattern. She went and I went to leave her. I was somewhat not happy being with Minu today. I don’t know why? But now I don’t have any feeling like those. I am as happy as I was before about her. I think that I was feeling a bit selfish in that. I will improve.

                                      6^th September 1983 (Tue)

It was nothing great. All was same and exciting.

                                      7^th September 1983 (Wed)

Today I didn’t feel like going to college because it was Mahavir Jayanti and also because Minu wasn’t going. In the morning I did all kinds of awkward things eg. tried clothes, and hairstyles as nobody was home. In the afternoon I slept and then got ready. I was feeling bored to go but Meeta Ben took nice hairstyle   for me and I was eager to go. When we reached we heard daddy’s name on the mike and we knew that daddy had taken an ‘Updesh’ for 400 ghee and each for Rs. 3.50. We enjoyed there in the crowded hall. MaharajSaheb Chandra Kirti read Janma Kalyan and all were quiet for first time. Then we came home. My churidar came and it is good. We went to temple again at night for Shantilal Sah’s Bhavna. The decoration at the temple was superb and there was a record crowd there. All trustees people were disciplining all. It was fun.

                                      8^th September 1983 (Thu)

Today was a bit rough. I got up and morning was spent badly. I always get wild when mummy asks me to do some work. I tell no even if I’d like to do it and then I feel fed up and then ina blue mood. It is all so damn boring. Today in college in English lecture Miss taught me a poem about the useless speed in urban areas. It said that we are fools to run about without doing what we really want to do. It was touching. I read Linda cart(something) book about astrology. I fully enjoy reading those books Today in the train Kushala was with me and she was acting so stupid and characterless and she talked as if I had no courage and I felt much bugged. I know I shouldn’t get bugged for stupid people’s talks but I did and once again I was in a black mood. Meeta Ben was trying to find in every way why I was sad and that caring of her made me feel good. It is so nice to have intelligent and loving people around us. Oh God! Give everybody a good mind.

 

                                9^th September 1983 (Fri)

Today was an exciting day. In the morning I had gone to Hansa Masi’s place as she and Tina had done ‘Atthai’ (Even Charu Ben has done it) Hansa Masi and all had done lighting, decorated the drawing room and when they went to temple for taking Pachkan there was a band in front. It was grand. Tina’s friends had come and I liked them, most of all Ranjan and I wished and hoped to be like Tina so that I could get good. Friends. In the college Prof. Kaushik gave us free but we played Antakshari. The boys were all dumb and the contest was between Kaushik and the girls (mostly Sangita’s group) It was fun. Vidhya sat on the last bench and it was fun. Then I came home and all was same except that I made a new resolution that all people are normal and that they see what you show. You can’t expect them or yourself to be somebody from the above world.

                                10^th September 1983 (Sat)

Today was a holiday because of ‘Ganesh Chaturthi’ and it was the last day of Paryushan. I did a fast and in the evening we had gone to do ‘samvatsari’ Pratikaman. It was not so boring as I had thought of it. It was good. Then we did Michhami Dukkdam to everybody. I did not feel weak at night though I had a fast.

                               11^th September 1983 (Sun)

Today Dr. Uncle and family had come. And then we had gone to Rajasthan Hall for Tina’s and Hansa Masi’s jamanwar. I saw Tina’s husband and Nita’s husband. Then we went to Ghatkopar as Charu Ben had done ‘Atthai’. It was fun there. Then we went to Megh Mahal, then to Panu dada’s place then to Panchshil (I went with Ajay Bhai in moped) and then to malad at Mami’s place and then home. I lernt a very good lesson that do not run after people thinking that that one is for you, just do your best in your own place and you’ll get what is for you and after all the other person should also get what he/she wants.

                           12^th September 1983 (Mon)

I have been reading about my trip to Nainital amd I know now why I enjoyed so much there. I was doing all I wanted to do. I didn’t know anybody and that was the best asset. I always wanted to do something different and it was not difficult to be somebody different there. But now I know that I can and must do whatever I want to do or else I‘ll end up being a mess. God made people so that he can live happily, not miserably.

Today was a very trying day. I got my periods in the morning. And there were red stains in my bed and clothes. It was all very boring. Then I went to college erly to bring my mark sheet and unfortunately, I wasn’t getting them that day. It was all so boring. Then when we went out, Minu took show buttons from a shop and she took a rupee from me. I don’t mind giving but she must return, no? Even before she had taken 2 Rs. and didn’t return it. And she never gives money if we come by Riksha. I do feel miserable thinking of being made a nincompoop. But I don’t know what to do. Oh!To be small again.

                           13^th September 1983 (Tue)

Yesterday night Mami told us about a girl in Daulat nagar who was raped by three people. And I felt very angry at god for seeing people do such stupid things. I exactly didn’t want to live in this good-for-nothing world.

Today morning I got up early and with Meeta Ben went to college to see the final talent contest. It was fun. Shobha got 3^rd prize for western song. I enjoyed most of all watching the volunteers and senior students. They were all so free and looked as if they had got what they wanted and I don’t even know what I want. It is real sad. But I’ll go on searching for my life and I hope and will never lose hope to one day find it out. I came home after 3 lectures and Minu came with me. I asked Minu about the 3 Rs. and she very readily gave it to me. She said that it was good of me to ask it. I again felt like a fool. I was so stupid to not to understand her. I’ve got a lot to learn, haven’t I? Then I wonder why I’m sitting idle.

                                     14th September 1983 (Wed)

Yesterday Tiku Ben and Malati Ben had slept here and it was fun. Tiku Ben was talking about her in laws and I was surprised at how one could live in a house where she was thought of as just a servant. I know all are not same but then also, I wonder how mine all will be and how I’ll be?

I washed my clothes in the morning then washed my hairs and then with Minu went early to bring my mark sheet. Kushala was with us in the train. I didn’t want to talk to her but I somehow couldn’t stop myself from asking her to come with us in the Riksha. Again I paid and got angry at Minu and again when I told Minu I found out that there was no cunningness in her. I wish I could be like her. I hope I become like her, and that she doesn’t become like me. Today was half day in college. During the lectures Rupali and Vidhya  had come at the back and it was fun. Then at home, it was just the usual simple fun at home.

                                     15^th September 1983 (Thu)

Today morning, guests had come and it was usual. I washed my hairs and then I plaited my hairs. I was watching TV for cricket. There was no cricket because of rain and instead they were showing sports in Russia. And I saw how much satisfied one gets to be sporty and competitive. I wish I was a sportswoman. But now its too late.

I went to college and we had 3 lectures free today. It was fun. In the firat free lecture we had all (Rupali, Vidhya, Snruti, Sonali, Sonia, Usha) had gone down. Then in second free lecture I went with Rupali to eat sandwich and then we were standing and talking. It was fun. I really enjoyed college today.

We had gone to temple and we were late and we met Sapna. Priti was also with us in the train. Then I had gone to Bhavna’s place to give her clothes. Then I came home and all was same. Life was so fine and good today that I was frightened to lose but I want to really want everything from life, don’t I?

                                16^th Sept 1983 (Fri)

Today the morning was boring. But I did this and that and soon it was time to go to college. Nowadays I enjoy college. I think it is because I have found true friends. Oh, friends really can make happy times happen. But I always have that feeling that we’ll not like each other at sometime. I know it is silly and non-confidence in my part.

Babita had come to our house and it was fun. We went to Dwarka and I didn’t get to sit with all and was sitting with Manisha who doesn’t like to eat anything and was feeling really angry (I still don’t understand at whom and why). It was a sad feeling which soon subsided. Thanks to me will and I was happy again. I always feel as if I have succeeded in life when I’m happy. Is it real that we have come to this world to be happy. No, we have come to accept it as it is, haven’t we? Then I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself when I’m sad. Feel sorry when you have gone wrong and correct yourself instead of feeling sorry when you are sad (I don’t know what I wrote. I’m crazy, aint’t I)

                                17^th Sept 1983 (Sat)

Today in the morning Meeta Ben came back as she had no college and so we went to the tailors to give him my skirt-blouse. Then I went to college. Minu was not there and I was alone. I found a friend of Minu, another Minu. And she was real good. I liked her. But I met other girls on the road and was not lonely. I came back after three lectures with Ami and met Meeta Ben who was going to see the dance competition. At home I saw Jaws II. Then to market and then to bring the cassette. I was so happy to get it.

                                18^th September 1983 (sun)

Today morning I did much work. Made the beds, tidied the rooms, helped Meena Ben to wash clothes, washed the toilets, watered the plants and then put oil. It was so much fun. Then Meeta Ben came and we exchanged news. Then it was a bit boring and doublts about self, insecurity. Then I slept and got up to a busy evening. Guests had come for dinner including Tiku Ben and Pankaj Bhai. Today’s movie ‘Jahan Aara’ was touching and I want to be good and sacrificing and having a firm character.

 

                                19^th September 1983 (mon)

Today, the morning was spent nicely and for the first time after many days I washed my hairs nicely. It was fun. Then I went to college. I had to go and call Minu(I always do that. I’m not doin that tomorrow. I don’t want to be a fool) Then in college we had 4^th lecture free. I wanted to come home before recess but no company. I studied in the library with Smruti. Today when Smruti was`asking me how she looked like I just said like an old lady and I felt very sad after that. I’m glad that Smruti didn’t take it seriously. It was really bad of me to say that. I knew today that Vidhya was giving tuitions. I wanted to know more but I didn’t know how to ask.

Today Malay was complaining that he gave video games to Minar and that when asked Minar today for his (a new one of relaties) he said that he wanted to play. I wanted to tell him that the world was full of people of that kind including us.

Today it was raining when I came back from college and I met Bhavna and Rajul. I went to leave Minu till her house and I realized how Minu was buttering and fooling me. And how Bhavna by thinking practically nd with reasons was staying far away from becoming a fool.

                                     20^th September 1983 (Tue)

Today in the morning after all work, I went with Meena Ben first to library then to Goyal. It was late and I got ready soon and went to college. And on the way I told Minu that she always comes late and we have to go by Riksha and she never pays. And she got very hot and said that she didn’t pay because she hadn’t any change and she always paid back. I don’t remember any time she had paid without me telling her. She did pay today when we came by Riksha. I think that I’m very stupid but why do people like me have to be so caught and bounded (in mind) and why do people like Minu have to be so carefree.

In the last lecture we had quiz between staff and students by the junior college Union. The students won by 11 points. Then we came home and at 9:00 we went to Vanita Mami’s place and enjoyed there then I went to sleep at Bhavna’s place. We studied and talked till 12:00. Bhavna’s mummy said that I had grown fat and I was happy.

                                     21^st September 1983 (Wed)

Today I didn’t go to college. I stayed at home and slept and worked and ate. In the evening I saw ‘Suhaag’ at Lata Masi’s house and then went to temple. Then came vack and saw the floodlight last match between India v/s Pakistan. It was fun. It is still going on.

(Yes, we won. I got up at 12:00 as I couldn’t sleep with the shouts. Kirti Azad and Madanlal the 6^th and 7^th batsman were playing beautifully. Kirti Azad got the man of the match award and seeing the way everybody was buzzing around him made me see how people buzz around a person who is successful and seeing the other players I realized how a person has to be top of all  to be cared and seen upon. I couldn’t sleep at night and it was very late when I did.)

                                     22^nd September 1983 (Thu)

Today also I didn’t go to college as Minu’s phone had come that we study and I went to her place. I was there from 10:30 to 4:30.  I had my luch there. We couldn’t study much. Ankit was very naughty. Minu’s mummy was good and was all for me. We talked about today’s Borivli and how it had its favourables. I bought two of Minu’s dresses. Then she came home with me. She was trying my dress and meena Ben said (secretly) that it was OK if I bought clothes from Bhavna, but from Minu was too fr and then Minu wanted all Meena Ben’s clothes which was not a fair deal for Meena Ben. I was somewhat dejected and somewhat frightened by the thought that I was doing too less practical thinking and I couldn’t make up my mind whether I truly wanted Minu as a friend. I tried to be as happy as possible and went to temple and prayed to God to give me peace. Minu was very fun at her house and the thing striked me that she did everything she could. She never denied, it was other thing if she couldn’t but she didn’t say no for work to her mother.

                                     23^rd September 1983 (Fri)

Today I did go to college. It was fun. I didn’t call Minu today. I did feel like it but I was more eager to take what I get on my way and not always run to a sure peace. In college Smruti was absent and I was with Vidhya. I had worn Minu’s skirt and blouse. Her skirt was classic and everybody liked it. Today in the recess I had gone to leave Christine with Vidhya and on the way back I found myself telling her my secret. It was a satisfied feeling I got after that. Then I came back home and then all was same. We went to the temple. I asked God ‘To make my body my friend’

                                24^th Sept 1983 (Sat)

I went to college early today to see ‘Dumb Charades’ organized by the Speakers club. It was fun. I liked to see the way they were freely acting out the name of movies and books. Then in college, I attended only two lectures. But I couldn’t go before recess because they were checking eye-cards. My head was paining then also I went to temple, to bring ny clothes and then went to bring cassette of ‘sansari’ I had my lunch at 6:00 and then slept till 8:00. Then saw movie.

                                25^th Sept 1983 (Sun)

We had gone out today from morning. First we went to Woodlands and then to everybody’s house. I hated going to Indu Masi’s and Manu Mama’s place. But Urmila Ben’s house was fun. I enjoyed there. I realized how good it is to have good people around. Oh! If only I didn’t have such a bad approach towards life.

                               26^th Sept 1983 (Mon)

Today I got up early and then made a time table. I wanted to study Maths. But didn’t know where to start and so full day I didn’t study. Meeta Ben got angry and asked me if I didn’t have to study.

I had gone to college and after enjoying there came back home. We had made ‘Frankie’ at home and Bhavna was coming for dinner. I had asked Meeta Ben not to go to Linking road today but because she didn’t want to listen to my request, she said that she will. I, at that time felt the sensation of how I was being bossed by them and how, I was a great weakling. It was a damn bore feeling I had and I was disgusted with life. But the good old me (stupid, maybe) advised me to go on patiently and calmly. I remembered the poetry ‘Harp’ by the small girl and consoled myself. I remembered the picture of that man who looked at his face if all was right (even though he had one foot amd no roof) and I was completely cured. If all people can live why can’t I? Oh God! Give me common sense.

                                27^th September 1983 (Tue)

I studied seriously in the morning and somehow was able to study. Then in college and back to happy classroom. I copied notes and studied hard for the exams. Minu hadn’t come today also. It was boring without her. Though I do not feel I want her as a friend, I like to have her as company. I wonder when I’ll know whether I really want a person or not. Am I not mature yet, I wonder? Then after college, at home and then to temple and then back to same.

I realized today why I used to feelsmall and dejected among Meena Ben and Meeta Ben. It was because they do the things of life which they know are right and never chase wild dreams and imaginations.

                                28^th September 1983 (Wed)

Today also I got up early to study but I studied very little. Then I went to college. I was almost alone in train and then I saw Minu of Minu’s class and was very glad. I thanked God. In college we had almost all lectures free and we studied maths. Then it was usual. Babita, Anju, Dipal, and Himanshu had come to have dinner and it was very good. Anju saw my child pictures and said that I look classic in them.

Meeta Ben and I asked Bhavna to come, but she said she would come if I phoned afterwards and I said she should come without that. I didn’t phone (as we were short of gold coins) and she didn’t come. I pray to God, not to make her feel very bad.

                                29^th September 1983 (Thu)

Today was a holiday. In the full day, I studied Eco, a bit and maths a bit. It was a lazy day. I had put oil in the morning. I ate, slept and tried to be peaceful and patient as I want to be happy and healthy during Navratri which is coming close. I had my break and went to temple and studied late at night.

                                30^th September 1983 (Fri)

I studied French today, though I can’t tell that I know much. I’m really worried. I felt very boring at times, but I managed to feel fresh. Minu had come in the afternoon and then we went to call Bhavna and the three of us went for a walk. I made Bhavna and Minu talk and at last they have started talking. We met Priti and then Bhavna and myself, we went to temple. Then all was same. I have not studied yet and I wonder what is going to happen. Oh God, help me. Though I don’t think I have to get good marks. Passing marks will be enough.

                                1^st Oct 1983 (Sat)

Today Bhavna and Minu had come to study at my house. We couldn’t study anything. It was a big waste. Minu had come and I on’t like her but I like her (awkward) In the evening I went to Bhavna’s place and from there we went to Dipika’s place and from there to temple. At night there was Raj Bhavan social group meeting at our place. We saw ‘Ek Jaan Hai Hum’. It was good. Bhavna had come and she slept here. I was somehow disappointed at night but I remembered all my good points and slept happily. I did cry.

                                2^nd Oct 1983 (Sun)

Today full day I sat outside and saw match and movie. It was fun. We won the cricket match, though yesterday we had lost the football match to Saudi Arabia. I could study very little. I don’t at all like this Bandi-bandi of studying though I do liketo do studying. We have BK exam tomorrow.

                                3^rd Oct 1983 (Mon)

My paper was a big flop. I had studied in the morning and was getting frightened as I knew very little. In college I was about alone at first, then all came and it was fun. I got very nervous at seeing the paper. I didn’t complete any entries and I can only hope now that I get passing marks. Priya said that Karuna(91%) studied everything before exams and that she’s so much engrossed with studying that even if one shakes her she does not come off it. I wish I could do that.

While coming home afer college we wentto temple and I came at 7:00. Then I got ready to go to our temple but on the way I saw Bhavna-Rajul talking and I stood there and didn’t go to the temple. It was fun talking. Vaishali and bhumpi also joined us. Meena-Meeta got very angry when they saw us still there when they came back. They thought that we were doing Mavali weda and I got quiet angry at them. Then I was peaceful at thinking it calmly.

                                4^th Oct 1983 (Tues)

Today full day I studied. I was in a black mood in the evening. I studied just now (12:30) and am sleeping now. I’m getting very frightened of tomorrow’s exam. It is French. Today Manisha said that ‘You should do and try your best and then leave it, at least you won’t repent’

                                5^th Oct 1983 (Wed)

Even today’s paper was a big flop. In the morning I studied but at 12:00 I had the tension mounting and I couldn’t study anything so I just left it as it was and didn’t study anything. And so a big zero I’m going to get. I couldn’t complete it and I was too much impatient to do anything correct. Now I do not feel like studying OC also and I’m sure even that will be a flop. Oh, why do we have exams.

                                6^th Oct 1983 (Thu)

My OC paper was OK.

                                7^th Oct 1983 (Fri)

Maths was good. Today Navratri started. It was fun watching people dancing though I didn’t a bit feel like joining them.

                                8^th Oct 1983 (Sat)

Economics was very good. I gave my exams today and came back and then went to temple. Then I did go down to see but I didn’t feel like playing. I was a bit too depressed. I went with Jay-Vijay group to gyan Nagar and then came back. My big sisters boss so much over me. O God, why did you have to make me younger and if so why make me so tender and sensitive. I find nowadays that even Bhavna doesn’t like to be with me. Even I don’t like her then why do I go on contacting her. Why do I do things which I don’t like. There is some abnormal behaviour which I’ll have to think about in my Diwali vacations.

                                9^th October 1983 (sun)

Today was my last exams. I was feeling very boring to go. We had our lunch at Mami’s place and then Mahendra Kaka and Bhavin had come. Even Rajul had come to see ‘Shradhanjali’ at Lata Masi’s place. My paper was very nice. I came home and we saw ‘Ankhiyon Ke Zarokhon se’ on tv. It was a sad film but I liked Ranjeeta’s role. She was a good girl confident of herself and thus happy. Then I did want to go to play Navratri. I was very ashamed of myself because of yesterday. I shouldn’t have despaired. I didn’t go because nobody came with me.

                                10^th Oct 1983 (Mon)

A full day without activity and yet full of joy. It was fun doing the daily things as usual. In the evening I had gone to Bhavna’s place and it was fun there.

At night, at 11:30 I did go down to play. Minu had phoned but I told her that I couldn’t cometo take her and so she shouldn’t come. I don’t like her. Oh, why I stick to people or rather people stick to me. I had gone down. But I met Minu and then we went to Rita Park. It was fun playing there. Then I had to go to leave Minu and Shankar came with us. I felt very angry at her. She said that I had a superior feeling and I was more angry as I know how much superior feeling she has over others. Oh God , do make people understand themselves especially me.

I phoned Raji and her exams are tomorrow. I hope she passes. She was a friend whom I had liked and will like.

                               11^th Oct 1983 (Tue)

Today also it was a lazy day. I had slept in the afternoon and in the evening I had gone with rajul and Bhavna first to see Bhavna’s new building then to ‘Amba Dham’ and then to Dehrasar.

Bhavna asked me to come with her and Gita (who was coming to Borivli) to see dandia raas everywhere. I said yes. But later saiGita was not going to come and Rajul’s phone had come for me to tell that they were not going. I was angry at bhavna for she could come when Gita was coming and not when she was not. But at the end I made myself satisfied by thinking that let her do what she wants and you do what you want.

                               12^th Oct 1983 (wed)

I had not gone out today full day anywhere. And was damn bored. But I didn’t want to phone Bhavna. In the evening I got ready and Meena Ben and myself first went to Bhavini’s and Raju’s birthday and then to temple. We didn’t wantto go to the party but somebody had to go.

Then at night as it was our Prasad, Meena Ben and I (Meeta Ben had her periods) went for Aarti. I had worn my red churidar and was very confident and happy. After the aarti we went with Mama-Mami to Jay-Vijay and from there with the full paltan to Bhavna Apts. It was very fine there and the crowd was good. We came home at 2:00 a.m.

                                     13^th Oct 1983 (Thu)

I didn’t go out anywhere today accept to temple. I had put oil today and so I’m not going for Garba. Bhavna had come in the morning and I told her about my ill-thoughts of her. She had gone today to ‘Mujhe Insaaf chahiye’

                                     14^th October 1983 (Wed)

Today was darshan Vijay Maharajsahib’s 65^th birthday and so in the morning all guests had come. I had washed my hairs early as I had to go to Matunga. Then at 10:30 I went with bhavna to KamalDeep and there it took us time to see all frames and she chose a cross-stitch frame and by the time everything was reay it was 11:45. I was very late by the time I reached Matunga and everybody was worried. Then I had gone to see ‘Mujjhe Insaaf Chahiye’ at Barkha theater. It was a very interesting movie. I learned a lot. Then we went to Avanti and then one by one everybody came and it was fun. Then we went to Megh Mahal at about 9:00 and then got ready there and went to raas-garba. It was fun there. I did have some misgivings but I didn’t allow it tot get me down. There was competition and I saw everybody playing beautifully. A brother-sister pair who used to win from last two years got the first prize today also. We slept at 3:30.

                                     15^th Oct 1983 (sat)

Today we got up late in the morning but I got ready fast. I had my periods and I took a napkin from Kalu. She was somewhat acting ill towards me and I didn’t bother much about it seeing that it was her headache. When we reached Borivli I was mentally as well as physically ill. I didn’t want to be a girl. They are so unlucky. I was very weak. And today after many days I cried twice but got over it soon. I had goneto Bhavna’s place in the evening and I enjoyed there.

                                     16^th Oct 1983 (sun)

Today morning we went to Lata masi’s place to eat  Jalebi as it was dassehra. Then everybody went out for some opening or Shrimant of Meeta Bhabhi. I phoned Bhavna and called her and when I was having lunh at Lata Masi’s place she came and I enjoyed the afternoon doing the cross stitch. Then she kept the cloth here and I had fun doing it. Then in the evening we went with Kaka and Praful Bhai to gokul. It was fun there. I always enjoy when we 3 houses go out.

                                     17^th Oct 1983 (Mon)

Today I washed my hairs in the morning and till afternoon I did Bhavna’s matty cloth. Then in the evening I went to her place and her mummy was having her legs and hands waxed. Then we did cross-stitch thing. Bhavna doesn’t at all remember that she had taken 10 rupees. She doesn’t at all tell me that she had to give me. I feel so sick. Why do everybody have to take money from me and never think of returning it. Is there something wrong with me? But I never keep anybody’s money with me then why do other people have to keep my money with them. It is because of such sick company that I feel sick to live in this world. I wish all people were like —– me.

                                     18^th September 1983 (Tue)

Today morning we cleaned the dining table and the morning was spent doing all work, then in the evening I went to Bhavna’s house to do waxing. It was paining a lot. Then it was Lalu’s birthday and we went there. But Hiren was telling that I was quiet and I got the feeling and could only keep quiet. I felt bored but soon it was fun. We came late at 10:00 and then Hansa Masi, Tina, Mamta had come and it was again fun.

                                     19^th September 1983 (Wed)

Today morning I was in a sour illness of mind. I just didn’t like myself. I didn’t want to live. I was disgusted. I didn’t know for what I was living, for whom and why. I didn’t like my Gemini characters which made me different every time. But I remembered ‘Everybody must find a suitable place and bloom’ I’m going to do just that.

In the evening Bhavna had come and we did her wall piece and then Renu and Bhumpi came and I went with them to stitch clothes.

At night, Jigar had come and he is so funny and clever that we all enjoy when he comes. We played cricket and laughed a lot. Jigar did everything to get the sweet and it was so funny.

Meeta Ben was talking about a boy who is suffering from spirit of a living man. I was just too much affected. I wondered what life really was for and why there are spirits troubling people and can people be so much of light character? I’ll have to watch my steps. I always feel that all people are good which is most time wrong. I’ve a lot to learn and live then how could I be so stupid just as to give up living. Other people are fools then you can be clever and guide your life.

                           20^th Oct 1983 (Thu)

Today morning was a busy one. Bhavna, Saigita and myself, we went first to NM and then to Chinai for fees. But we didn’t pay anywhere. But it was fun. Gita is very nice. She invited me to her house and she paid for the riksha and even for the drinks. It kept me thinking at my narrow mindedness. I have to improve a lot.

My head was paining when I came back and I had a cold. I slept in the afternoon and then to refresh myself I went and stood in the terrace looking at the people there and it really helped a lot in gaining my spirits. Today, I felt that I was dragging along with my sisters. I should be with them and enjoy their company but be such a way that even they should enjoy your company. If you really and rightfully want to do a thing, do not take their answer as the sole truth, take their advice and do what you feel is true. After all I’ve got to learn a lot haven’t I. I have to improve in my character also.

                                     21^st October 1983 (Fri)

Today morning was a usual one except that my head was paining. In the afternoon we watched the cricket match between India and west Indies.

I phoned Bhavna in the evening and then went to her house to meet her daddy who came today from Muscat. Aunty cut my hairs and Babi Ben took for me Khajuri plaits. It looked very nice. Then I went with Bhavna and Bunty to roam about and do some of her work and to temple.

Then I asked Bhumpi to come with me to the library and when we were going Bhavna came up and I asked her to come but she didn’t and said she will talk with Meena Ben-Meta Ben. I let her be there and went to the library.

Then today was ‘Sharad Purnima’ and we went to the terrace and saw everything there. I’m writing this at 12:45 and will sleep now. So long.

                                     22^nd Oct 1983 (sat)

Today morning we went to post office first to post letters for Bhavna and then  to college. It was fun there. I gave intro of Bhavna to Christine. We ate sandwich and came back. Today Tina and Mamta had come to have dinner. Then there was a meeting today at our terrace. There is a cricket match between India v/s west Indies and we are doing very badly. They were 454 all out and today we were 35 for 5.

                                     23^rd Octo 1983 (Sun)

Today we were to have our lunch at Kailash Ben’s place as it was Ashok Bhai’s galia modha. I was a bit touchy at first but everything ended well. Then it was fun watching cricket. We became all out and were given follow-on. And by the end we were again 60 for 5. Madanlal and Binny played well in the first innings.

I’m reading the book ‘Kramer v/s Kramer’ and I do like the story and all the actors but their language and their ways of flirting are not so likeable.

                                     24^th October 1983 (Mon)

Today my cold subsided a bit. It was a plain day. I read the book ‘Kramer v/s Kramer’

In the evening we went to Kamal Deep as I want to do a cross stitch design for table cover. But Bunty had come with us and he was very naughty and crying and Jiddi and I was very irritated and I didn’t finish my work. We’ll go there again tomorrow.

Bhavna didn’t have change money and I had to give her and I got irritated by it, and was more irritated by it when I thought about it afterwards. I found out that I was being ‘Kanjus’. But I never like to borrow money or keep it for long and people have a tendency to not like people who aren’t like themselves, don’t they? Though, I’ll improve as much as I can and keep my money in safe as my horoscope of this week announced.

Mummy went to Bhavnagar today.

                                     25^th October 1983 (Tue)

In the morning Meena Ben-Meeta Ben were doing Diwali ‘saaf safaii’ (cleaning) and I read the book ‘Kramer v/s Kramer’. I didn’t want to go and help them as they only let me do ‘kachra’ work and the book was very interesting. I finished it. We lost the cricket match to West Indies by an inning and 88 runs. Bad. Very Bad.
In the afternoon Bhavna, Rajul and myself we went to Kamal Deep and I’ll have to go back again tomorrow as I didn’t bring the right cloth. I was disgusted but didn’t lose patience. Rajul was telling that her mummy had confidence in me and I didn’t like it a bit as I felt as if I was a stupid perfect (doing what you should do) girl. Once I even gave back Rajul a rupee for two Bindis packet that we took. I realized how narrow-minded I was. I paid 1.50 for Bhavna. I should remember that in this world we should give as much as we take. Try, try you’re bound to succeed.

                                     26^th October 1983 (Wed)

Today morning I didn’t at all feel like getting up, living this boring life, wanting to run away from myself, cowardly but I courageously went on the full day and though it was not a very successful day it was also not a failure. After all, there is no failure as long as you have a ready and fresh mind.

In the morning I wanted to help clean but couldn’t because I didn’t feel like working as a second hand. Oh, if only my position in this world was not so depressing. But many live merrily in this dispressing situation, don’t they? So why can’t I?

I went to Kamal Deep and did the tv cover full and that was the plus point of the day.

There are two baby pigeons which have grown under the cupboard of the gallery and being harassed by other pigeons and I learned today that I should help this babies by courageously frightening the cruel pigeons away. After all, I’m a human being. Why should I be afraid of pigeons especially cruel ones.

                                     27^th Oct 1983 (Thu)

In the morning I was all brave and ready and in good mood.

The two baby pigeons were found dead today. Kunda saw it first. We all think that another pigeon who wanted to have her eggs hatched first killed them. It was a very very sad moment. Kunda-Asha took the other killed pigeon and her eggs to their house.

I had gone to Bhavna’s place and then went with Bhumpi and Tinki to temple. Bhavna didn’t come. I can’t understand. Bhavna nowadays I like her and at times don’t, when I feel that she is taking advantage. I was not in a smart mood today and found myself many times in an awkward situation. But I didn’t get any of those fits of not living. So it was ‘All is well that ends well’

                                           28^th Oct 1983 (fri)

It was the most fabulous day. In the morning I washed my hairs and then I slept. I had fever when I got up but I took a parannel and went to school.

Bhavna, Sapna and myself went together and in school there were many girls from our SSC batch. It was fun meeting everybody though at first I was frightened that I may do something wrong like not talk to somebody I should or smile at someone who wouldn’t smile at me. But as it progressed it was fun. I went to get my certificates. I was the only one who got 148 in Maths from the whole school. Mrs Nadkarni, Mrs. Ahuja, Cynthia, Jaccob, Hyena, Radhakrishnan and Hycin were the teachers whom I met. As soon as I came home my head started paining and I had a temperature.

There has been twice to three times when I go somewhere, enjoy there and then when I come back, I suddenly remember the circumstances under which I’m living and I feel like running away. I feel sick.

                                     29^th Oct 1983 (Sat)

Today when I got up in the morning I did all kinds of medicines for my cold. Lata Masi gave me Haldar wala milk. I do not like it at all.

I went to doctor who said that there was pus in my tonsils. He gave me medicine. I watched cricket and saw Gavaskar making 29^th Century Equalling Don Bradman.

Bhavna went to Indore today.

I saw ‘Bhavni Bhavai’ in tv and then ‘Meri Aawaz Suno’ in Manisha’s place.

                                     30^th Oct 1983 (Sun)

Today we were to have lunch at Mami’s place. Pankaj Bhai and Tiku Ben had come. I saw ‘Sholay’, ‘Badaltey Rishte’ and ‘Majdoor’. We wer to go out in the evening. I got ready and went but Parimal Bhai had bought tickets for ‘Aandha Kanoon’ which I had seen. They told me to come again bt I didn’t at all want to go and I didn’t.

                                     31^st October 1983 (Mon)

It was a damn ‘shit’ (sorry) day.

Almost the full day I though that I didn’t want to live and I felt damn bored and sick and shaky.

In the morning only, Meena –Meeta went together out to keep Ami (who had come with Bhabhi today) to Tiku Ben’s and I was sad and felt lonely. It is so nice to have a ready friend at home. I felt jealous of them and I had a deep sad feeling for myself and I wanted to run, run from myself and everybody. But how? God can’t take his little harp, he had to use me for his show.

I saw a tarzan’s movie and till then it was peace, then again I went with Manisha to temple, Doctor and library. Then we had to go to Hansa Masi’s place to have dinner and I was two minded and felt disgusted with m,yself and everybody around. I felt again angry at Meena for her selfishness. I wish I could never talk to her but life has to go and like always I’ll start liking her and then again. Oh shit, shit, shit.

                                1^st Nov 1983 (Tue)

I was in a better mood, though in the morning I was in a tension that I had to go to the doctor, alone and then bravely went and came back. I wondered what would happen to me for the greater tension of life. No wonder I feel like killing myself. I’m a coward but I’ll learn to live. Yes, I’ll do that.

The doctor said that I may have to do tonsils operation.

All night we all sat and wrote cards and letters. It was fun. I send Raji a card. I hope she has done the same. I hope I get Hazel’s card also.

                                     2^nd Nov 1983 (Wed)

Today full day I was feeling very boring especially as Meena-Meeta went for shopping. I would have liked to go but three is always a crowd. Kailash Ben was going to a special show of ‘Mavali’ and I didn’t go as I was alone and I didn’t find her eager to take me. It’s her choice. ButI did feel a bit sad.

In the evening I phoned Raji and we both went to the temple and doctor.

At night, I wanted to put oil as Meena-Meeta both were putting and I always find everybody against that. It could be because I couldn’t put oil for them. And I was irritated.

                                     3^rd Nov 1983 (Thu)

Today was Kali Chudas. It was nothing great and out was all boring.

                                           4^th Nov 1983 (fri)

                HAPPY DIWALI

In the morning all was same. But then in the afternoon we got ready (I wore my new skirt and blouse). Everybody liked it. Babita had come to make us ready. Meena Ben – Meeta ben had both worn a saree. They both looked good.

When we reached Pedhi, Pujan had started and everybody had come. We sat in the cabin and talked and talked. When the pujan was over we all went in cars and taxis to Woodlands. And there while we were waiting Ajay Bhai and all made great comic and it was fun. Then we all came back and it was the end.

                                           5^th Nov 1983 (sat)

                HAPPY NEW YEAR

It was first day of the year and in the morning only, I was sad and cried. I didn’t go to the temple as I had no company. Many people came home. And in the evening we went to Kailash Ben’s place, Hansa Masi’s place, Babita’s place and Narottam Bhai’s place(a classic house). It was a very trying day and at the end I was pleased that I went on and was not misguided by my wrong ideas.

                                           6^th Nov 1983 (sun)

Ajay Bhai-Shailesh Bhai-Varsha Bhabhi had come. Even Kalu. Oh, it was fun. I always enjoy wth them. Then at about 3:00 we went to see the drame ‘Chitkar’ in Bhaidas. Shailesh Bhai left us in the car. It was very nice. It was about a girl who couldn’t live because of her background when she was mad. Parimal Bhai had taken us. Then we had dinner at Kanu Mama’s place. Tiku Ben and Pankaj bhai had also come.

                                       7^th Nov 1983 (Mon)

Nothing unusual. We told Jamna bai (servant) not to coe any more for work as they did not come for last two busy days and we were getting angry at them for many days. I worked and helped, thanks to my good mood.

                                          8^th Nov 1983 (Tues)

All was same.

I’ve made two resolutions:

i) Never to burn your jiv. I find myself burning inside amd I know tat I can stop myself if I want and I’m going to do exactly that.

ii) Not to be Chingus and chikni and narrow minded. Changes come and you should change. World is to live. Why worry, worry, never give think that everybody is out to fool you. If you are not a fool, you should live, give and take. Live wisely and goodl. Do not be goody, goody be wisey,wisey. (Yes, it is the repeated issue)

9^th Nov 1983 (Wed)

           In the morning I got ready and went with Meeta Ben to Prithvi theater to buy tickets for the shows of the festival ’83. We saw Shashi Kapoor there and he was laughing and joking and he looked great. We didn’t get the tickets.

           In the evening I went to Rajul’s place and Priti was there. Then we sisters went to doctors and doctor asked me to show my tonsils to KL Shah. Daddy phoned him and we may go tomorrow.

           Today they showed One day match between India and West Indies in tv. India lost. We fought till the last.

           Today just now, I was on the verge of despair and burning when I remembered my resolutions and I no longer have that burning feeling. Thank God.

                                           10^th Nov 1983 (Thu)

                Today I had gone to Bombay to show my tonsils. There was no need of an operation.

                In the train we met a lady who worked and was busy always. She was bored with Bombay life but she would go on. Today was a good day.

                                                11^th Nov 1983 (Fri)

                Jasmine Bhabhi had come today and in the evening we had goneto Open House. It was fun.

                                                12th Nov 1983 (sat)

                All usual. Match.

                                          13^th March 1983 (Sun) 

           Usual movie on TV ‘Sundbad Aladdin Alibaba’ It was fun.

                                          14^th March 1983 (Mon)

                Went to college but there was no college so stood for concession form and came back.

                                           15^th March 1983 (Tues)

                We got our papers today. I failed in French.

                                            16th Nov 1983 (wed)

           Today I came after 3 lectures from college and then we al went to Matunga and it was great fun.

                                            17^th Nov 1983 (Thu)

     I had my periods but it was great day.

                                            21^st Nov 1983 (Mon)

Today, English Miss made me get out of the class because I didn’t have my book and she thought I was talking. I felt damn angry at her.

After recess, Bhavna met me in Rasraj with Gita and we three went to Nanavati to see Keyur who was operated for some fault in urine place. It was a common operation.

                                            22^nd Nov 1983 (Tue)

The English Miss came to class and smiled at me and then after some time she said that she had thrown a girl out of the class and she had felt guilty. Stupid. Sorry never makes a dead person alive, does it?

                                            24^th Nov 1983 (Thu)

We had morning college today because of cricket.

                                            25^th Nov 1983 (Fri)

     Bhavna’s phone came at 10:30 asking me to come to movie. I said yes and we went with Gita and all to Andheri. I knew that Gita’s cousins were also coming. They were all stupid guys.

We went to see the movie ‘Ardh Satya’. Meeta Ben had also come and when I said she was there, they asked me if I wanted then to go out. As if we were doing something wrong. I wonder now how Bhavna likes them. They all passed silly remarks and bad ones. I wonder now how I could have gone through that without correcting them. That is my greatest bad point. It made me thinking all day and I’ve decided never to go out with people whom I don’t know.

                                            27^th Nov 1983 (Sun)

Today there was a movie on tv at 10:30 because it was to be shown to the government heads who had come for the CHOGM and were spendinf weekend at Goa. The movie was ’36 Chowringhee lane’ It was about loneliness of old age and at the end, though she had suffered a hurt of heart, they showed us that life should go on and one should live it happily. I hope I remember the movie’s theme in my trying moments.

                                            1^st Dec 1983 (Thu)

Today was the most unfortunate day. I read in the paper that breast cancer and one of its symtome were retraction of nipples. And I knew that days would never be the same.

                                            2^nd Dec 1983 (Fri)

I told Mummy about it (my thinking that I had breast cancer). She didn’t feel so serious or at least I was not able to persuade her. I didn’t tell her about reading about it in the papers.

                                            3^rd Dec 1983 (sat)

We went to see ‘Coolie’ with Kaka. It was fun.

                                            5^th Dec 1983 (Mon)

I know that I have to do something. Go to the doctor. But I can’t gp tp a male one. Ranna Doshi, yes, I want to go to her. But do I take mummy, I don’t feel like taking her amd I don’t want to go alone. Also, oh shit what I am leading to.

                                            9^th Dec 1983 (fri)

Today, Sangita gave a treat to all the girls Rupali, Vidhya, Smruti. She didn’t call me. I was disgusted with myself (I somehow thought it was my fault. I didn’t mix properly) I didn’t want to live. It was hopeless. I’m a coward. I am dying, I hope. I don’t want to live a life without something.

                                      10^th Dec 1983 (Sat)

We went to Manori to give MaharajSahib who were on their ‘vihar’, food. It was fun there. We came back at seven.

                                      11^th dec 1983 (Sun)

Today was Kali’s birthday and Mahendra Kaka and Varsha Bhabhi’s anniversary. I went to the celebration of both and enjoyed.

                                 12^th Dec 1983 (Mon)

I wonder why I can’t be with people I like and choose a golden pin from the thousands of pins in the bag. I don’t feel like going anywhere alone. I better start choosing a suitable friend for friend, otherwise I’ll go mad. I don’t like moving with people who don’t like me. Oh God, help.

I wanted to go to Ranna Doshi today but I just couldn’t pick myself together. I wasn’t in the mood either when I came from college. I’m stranded. I don’t like at home nor in college. Oh God, you have given me a sickness, why not call me as soon as possible.

                                 14^th Dec 1983 (Wed)

Today morning Ajay Bhai’s phone had come that he is coming and I didn’t go to college for 3 reasons. I don’t like college nowadays, to see match (which unfortunately got over at 12:00, we lost) People were throwing oranges and things at Kapil Dev. Stupid people. Don’t they have brains.

Nirvi is going to come tomorrow to Bombay as she has vacation.

                                 20^th Dec 1983 (Thu)

I asked Minu to choose a ginger from two fingers. One was for going to dr. Doshi and other not to go. The finger to go was selected. But I didn’t go.

I think that I should go, fo the way I’m living is like a coward, suicide. And God knows best. Maybe he has planned something for me. I may go to America as everybody says and maybe my life would blossom. If not with happiness at least with success.

                                      21^st dec 1983 (Wed)

Meena Kaki came to leave Nirvi and Benoy.

When I came back from college, I was alone and I strongly fekt that I should go to Dr. Doshi. I said that if train comes on platform 1, I’ll go. It did, but I didn’t go. Oh, how can I do it or will I ever do it. Oh God, do something. Give me courage.

                                     22^nd dec 1983 (Thu)

Today was Lollipop day in our college. I expected to get at least one slip, but didn’t get any. Though I didn’t feel a bit sad for, if I had one I would have to live up to it. Now I’m free. Happy Freedom.

Sonia had written a chit to scholar and he showed it to everybody. She was a bit depressed but was laughing gaily (outside show) Sangita got 9 lollipops. Their group got the most.

I found Ranna Doshi’s phone number.

                                      23^rd Dec 1983 (Fri)

Yesterday I got damn angry at Bhavna. I don’t want to talk to her. I’m afraid that she’ll manav me and just make a fool of. She doesn’t really like me now (I think). She has found a friend in Sai Gita. So she has only to use me. Shit. Shit.

Today we had gone to National Park with Ketan Bhai. It was fun. I came home after three lectures. I enjoyed college today. It was the last college day of the year.

                                      24 the Dec 1983 (Sat)

Bhavna went to her Native place and even Ba and Nirvi and all went.

                                      25^th Dec 1983 (Sun)

We had gone to ‘Tiku Ji Ni Wadi’. It was damn fun. Babita had also come. She is fun. It was a cute place with trees everywhere. We plucked fruits which were restricted. We had lunch there. 40 Rs. per head.

While coming back we sang songs in the car and we were laughing till we cried. It was a time to be treasured.

                                 26^th Dec 1983 (Mon)

Today in the evening I was at home alone and I phoned to R.D. Some nurse took it and said that RD comes between 10-12 a.m. and 6-8 p.m. And she asked me if I was coming for a check up. I said yes and afternwards I smiled at the thought.

                                      29^th Dec 1983 (Thu)

Today morning I went with Meeta Ben to see youth festival dance. It was fun though we saw only 3 dances. None of the colleges had checked in. I saw our college dance and Priti-Geeta. It was good. I like Meeta Ben’s friends. We saw Milind’s friend Mithali. She was nice. I liked her.

Nowadays I feel bored with life. After all one can’t live happily knowing that she had a terrible disease.

                                      30^th Dec 1983 (Fri)

Today we went to Devyani’s Dandia raas at night. It was very cold and I enjoyed. I wore Meeta Ben’s new blue midi.

                                     31^st Dec 1983 (Sat)

Today was the marriage. Meeta Ben lost her purse and it had all of our passes. We saw the tv programme and ended our year.